News You Can Ewes

I always thought Lance Bass was a member of NSync. Turns out he's a backstreet boy. No, I can't do that. Jay Leno already made that joke but nevertheless, Lance Bass coming out of the closet was about as shocking as O.J. being acquitted. Wait a minute...no, that was shocking. I was trying to be sarcastic. No. No, that wasn't right at all.

Lance says he didn't want to hurt the careers of the other memebers in the band. That's why he didn't come out until now. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that he didn't have to worry about that from day 1. Not only did everyone think he was gay but all the prepubescent girls that loved them so much didn't even know what "gay" was yet. Way to go buddy. How's that trip into space going?

"There was something out there, close enough to be observed, and what could it be? Now, obviously the three of us weren't going to blurt out, 'Hey, Houston, we've got something moving alongside of us and we don't know what it is, you know? Can you tell us what it is?'"

That quote is from my friend character from Toy Story, astronaut Buzz Aldrin. In a recent interview with the Daily Record in England, Aldrin says that he and Neil Armstrong and the third astronaut that nobody remembers because he wasn't Neil Armstrong walking on the moon or Buzz Aldrin holding the camera (and fixing their module with a ballpoint pen that saved them from dying up there, by the way) who was probably jerking off inside the spaceship with little bits of man juice floating around in zero gravity droplets (takes breath)...saw alien lifeforms along side them when they made their historic landing on the moon in July 1969.

Aldrin said all this has been classified until recently. Well. If this is true I suppose we have to throw out the whole "the moon landing was fake" business. That would suck. I mean, it's so much fun to watch the crazies get really into the whole conspiracy thing. What I really want to know is what were the aliens doing. C'mon Buzz, were they checkin' you guys out? Were they posting a flag of their home planet? Were they emersed in sweet, sweet alien humping? These are the things I need to know.

You know how sometimes radio stations change format? For example, 94.9 Zeta in Miami changed to some sort of salsa/Latin station a couple years ago and 92.3 K-Rock in New York changed to an all talk format on January 1st of this year. K-Rock was New York's only modern rock channel, by the way. Well, a station in Fresno, California recently changed formats from Christian Rock to, you guessed, sex radio. Or as they like to call it, "porn radio."

The station was sold this month and the new owner quickly made the switch. It's basically nearly non-stop music that all have the subject of sex. You've got your "Why Don't We Do It in the Road" by The Beatles, "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye and "Nasty" by Janet Jackson. Not only that but they had extra moaning and groaning sound effects to enhance the listening experience. Now that's some good J-O'ing radio. And I like how the new owners went to the extreme opposite end of the spectrum on content. Nothing like a good audio only rusty trombone to piss off the conservative religious nutjobs. That's America, baby. Don't tread on me...or my right to listen to two midget, biracial porn stars giving each other Cincinnati Bowties on the radio. Yea!