I've Got My Mind Set On Links

I promised an article for the end of last week. That didn't so much happen but I have a good reason for it. I just can't tell you yet. With any luck I'll be able to divulge that info after Christmas. Also, last week wasn't full of a lot of humorous news so we only have three links this week. Well, four if you count the last one which is more of a link that I want you to check out because it's well written and touches on a lot of important issues that I tend to make fun of. It's just that he does it in a serious way.

I'll ramble on a few things first before I get to the Links since it's a light load this Monday. First off I have to say that the ESPN Holiday Party was tremendous. Over 2,000 employees were at this massive country club getting hammed and stuffing their faces with pretty damn good food, all on the company dime of course, and on top of that there was a game room. There were pool tables, air hockey tables, and all sorts of arcade games set up. And at one end was a stage with a drumset on it with two huge video monitors on either side. Oh yes, it was karaoke time.

I hadn't planned on going up there and doing my best Ashlee Simpson impression but when a fellow PA got up there and the first couple of notes of "Piano Man" came from the speakers, I knew I had to right the ship. Did I sing backup "oo"'s and "ah"'s? Yes. Did I sing like a drunken Trey Parker doing his best Cher impression? Yes. Did I swing the mic cable around like Mick Jagger and then around my neck? Yes. Did I beatbox and then play the drumset with the mic? You betcha. It was the probably the best rendition and performance of "Piano Man" the world has ever seen. Or so I'd like to think. My roommate told me upon returning to the floor that a few people asked him if I was drunk. His response: "No, he's just really shameless."

Also, don't lock yourself out of your apartment on a Sunday night. I say this because my landlords seem to be retarded and/or hire lazy retards for maintenance. This woman tells us he's on site which means he should get to our apartment within 10 minutes at the latest. Guess when the guy came to let us in? Two hours later. The guy doesn't live on site; he lives somewhere across town. So why two hours? Well, according to this guy (who spoke English about as well as Kevin Federline is accomplished and deserving) the other maintenance guy does live on site but never answers his phone because he's always sleeping. I'll give you one guess as to what nationality that guy is. (Jeopardy theme playing...) If you guessed Mexican you're.....a racist! Shame on you. But you're probably right. On to the Links.

Do you hate the commercialization and secularization of Christmas? Me too. Would you make a Santa model wielding a knife and holding up a bloody elf head with an evil look in his eye and decorate your property with him? Well, these people did. Some people thought it was "sick" and some wondered if it would horrify children. If so, that'd be funny. "Yes, little Timmy, Santa's real but he'll chop off your head Al-Qaeda style if you misbehave so keep in line you little f**ker!" Oh man, that'd be so sweet. Some people, however, found the scene to their liking prompting one man to say, "I wonder if these people would let me use this as our next album cover. It's perfect!" Who knew Alice Cooper lived in Manhattan?

The sad thing about our government making prescription drugs so expensive is that the elderly who need their medications start living closer to the poverty line. The good thing, though, is that it forces these geezers to be proactive and business savvy. Not only are old people dangerous behind the wheel, but now they're selling their prescription drugs to truants and other lowlifes so that they can keep up with the rest of their bills. It's sheer genius. That's the American way. Find ways to make life work for ya, Grandpa! Get out there and be the best damn Geritol peddler you can be! Now old people are not only killing us with their poor driving and long, boring stories that don't go anywhere, but they're also going to kill us via overdose. I applaud your resourcefulness Mildred but the world doesn't need more drugpushers. Unless, of course, we're talking about Vicodin. That stuff is awweesome.

If your town's cemeteries filled up to the point that you had no place to bury anymore dead and your town charter disallowed the creation of new graveyards and cremation was illegal, what do you think would be the solution? How about not dying? The mayor of a Brazilian town has decreed that you "should take care of yourself in order to not die." Yea, just don't die. And if you do you will be held responsible for your actions. His words, not mine. Yea, I'm just going to let that one sink in. Here's my idea, let's just piling all the dead bodies on the mayor's front lawn. Mmmm, I bet he'll love the smell of rotting flesh en la mañana.

Lastly, the Phoenix Suns' Paul Shirley has a running journal on espn.com where talks about anything and everything. How does he have time to do this while playing for an NBA team? Well, he doesn't really play. He's played in 18 games over three seasons while averaging 1.8 pts/game in his 6.7 min/game. That's quality. At any rate, in his latest journal entry Paul goes off on how people are so worried about being politically correct and not offending anyone that we don't talk about the important issues - at least the way they should be. I agree wholeheartedly with everything he says in his rant and I believe you'd agree if you took another five minutes to read his perspective. Good stuff for sure.

My Christmas article should be coming to you either Thursday or Friday. And if you celebrateHanukkahh then well...HappyHanukkahh. Enjoy not eating bacon.