The Over/Under: July 2005

There once was a man from St. Clair, he F'ed his wife on the stair. The banister broke, he doubled his stroke, and finished her off in midair.

Yea...that's all I got.

But seriously, can we do something about MTV? I'll explain a few graphs down...

Underrated

Ozzfest - Throw those horns in the airya if you'sa a true playa! Wow, so white. Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden alone were worth the price of admission. Ok, that's sort of a lie 'cause tickets were a cool bill. But both of those bands proved to be exactly what I thought they'd be - F'ing amazing. The power that emanates from those two bands is incredible. Neither of them were as heavy as some of the other bands on the bill including Killswitch Engage (always awesome), Mudvayne (loved them), or Shadows Fall (the new Metallica). But they were both more powerful than these heavier bands. Bruce Dickinson (the cock of the walk, baby!) ran out during the first Maiden song with a giant UK flag wearing one of those Buckingham Palace guard uniforms on. Aaaand they had a 20 ft robotic skeleton type of monster walk around during one of the songs. His name is Eddie and he's been Maiden's mascot for years. Unreal show and I'm so glad I finally got to see ALL the bands on Ozzfest this year unlike my attempt in 2000 when I got arrested for underage drinking. What a crock, stupid Jersey.

Paid Holidays - I worked on July 4. I'm gonna say there's not many things cooler in life than working on a holiday and getting paid double for it. Ok, well there's a lot of things but when you don't have much going for you getting paid double is frickin' awesome. The extra cool thing about it is that I forgot about it until it showed up in my most recent paycheck. It didn't show up in the pay period it was in. For some reason it was floated down to last week's. But it was a wonderful surprise as I have a vacation to prepare for. Stick it to Uncle Sam baby. Now to blow it all on strippers n' coke! Woooooo.

Verizon/Motorola - New every two. That's Verizon's slogan. If you sign up for a two year contract you get a $100 credit toward a new phone after two years. So theoretically you could get a new phone for free. However, I completely forgot that my contract was running out in September so if I signed up for another two years I could get a $250 phone for free! I love Uh-mare-ee-cuh! It's got everything, camera, downloadable wallpapers, all that jazz. The one stipulation I had for this new phone was that it was able to play TruTones. I needed to have my ring a real song, not one of those stupid ringtones that sound like Flava Flav farting through a harmonica. Those suck ass. So now anytime someone calls me I got Pearl Jam's "Hail Hail" blaring. So freakin' cool. Oh and I can also make pictures of people show up when they call me. I know, I know. I'm way behind the times. But it's ok. Cause I have a website and you don't. Suck on that, bitches!

(I'm sorry, that was out of line.........sike!)

NHL - Finally! We have hockey. It's back. I said in last week's column but this deserves its own spot on the O/U. Now if it wasn't for this guy...

Overrated

Gary Betteman - ...The NHL draft was last week and guess who didn't get the number one pick and therefore God-in-the-making Sidney Crosby? The New York Rangers. C'mon commish! I thought you had some pull around here. Wasn't Crosby supposed to go to a big market team to help sales and marketing and bring the league back? The blueshirts needed him and you couldn't rig a simple draft lottery!? That's preposterous. Preposterous I say! I guess he can't help it though, he's Canadian. What else do you expect from people who wear jeans, a denim shirt and jean jacket and call it a tuxedo?

SoCal/MTV - These guys have been on this side of fence so many times. And they never cease to amaze me. Hot off the heels of last fall's blockbuster "Laguna Beach", MTV is churning out another version of it with older people and they're also (I think) doing a reunion type show with the first crowd. You know, catching them back in the OC when they get off for Christmas break. Oh no, Steven and Lauren? (I don't know her name) are gonna meet up for the first time since parting ways for school. They promised they'd stay close and still love each other by way of flashback montage, but oh no, Lauren's left a voicemail on Steven's phone saying she met some guy named Matt! What will Steven do? I know, let's follow them meet up for the first time and show, in real time mind you, their awkward meeting followed by Lauren bashing Steven on the phone to her whore of a friend (I assume) about how Steven has an "attitude". Sorry bitch, but you're the one who F'ed him over when you were all "oh my god, my perfect situation would be that we're always together." See, look at me! I"m going all drama I hate for being stupid SoCal drama in the first place! I swear to God, if people from Orange County are really that obnoxious I think I might kill all of them. There's just no excuse for the ridiculousness of their actions and attitudes towards life.

Bristol, CT Softball Fields - Yea, so never slide on a softball field in Bristol if you ever get the chance. I'm pretty sure there's broken glass or something all over the field because I tore up my thigh sliding into second base last week. Want evidence? I knew you would! (Lovely huh) If you didn't click on that link you're missing out on some sweet Italian leg action. Yea, so that's after five days. The of there was so much dirt under my skin that I couldn't properly clean it. The next day it started leaking puss. You know when you get a scrape that clear liquid stuff that helps clean and scab your cut? I don't know what it's called but it was basically flowing out my leg. Very gross stuff. I had to walk around work on Friday with a paper towel wrapped around my thigh held by medical tape. Not a pleasurable experience by any means.