This month's Over/Under will be longer than most. And it's because I was forwarded a very clever piece of writing that, in the most sarcastic way possible, rips into everyone concerning the Terry Shiavo case. It's a good read and might even make say, "F yea, those assclowns suck monkey balls!"
Here is the piece and below it will be this month's O/U.
Living will is the best revenge
Robert Friedman, St. Petersburg Times
Like many of you, I have been compelled by recent events to prepare a more detailed advance directive dealing with end-of-life issues. Here's what mine says:
* In the event I lapse into a persistent vegetative state, I want medical authorities to resort to extraordinary means to prolong my hellish semi-existence. Fifteen years wouldn't be long enough for me.
* I want my wife and my parents to compound their misery by engaging in a bitter and protracted feud that depletes their emotions and their bank accounts.
* I want my wife to ruin the rest of her life by maintaining an interminable vigil at my bedside. I'd be really jealous if she waited less than a decade to start dating again or otherwise rebuilding a semblance of a normal life.
* I want my case to be turned into a circus by losers and crackpots from around the country who hope to bring meaning to their empty lives by investing the same transient emotion in me that they once reserved for Laci Peterson, Chandra Levy and that little girl who got stuck in a well.
* I want those crackpots to spread vicious lies about my wife.
* I want to be placed in a hospice where protesters can gather to bring further grief and disruption to the lives of dozens of dying patients and families whose stories are sadder than my own.
* I want the people who attach themselves to my case because of their deep devotion to the sanctity of life to make death threats against any judges, elected officials or health care professionals who disagree with them.
* I want the medical geniuses and philosopher kings who populate the Florida Legislature to ignore me for more than a decade and then turn my case into a forum for weeks of politically calculated bloviation.
* I want total strangers - oily politicians, maudlin news anchors, ersatz friars and all other hangers-on - to start calling me "Bobby,"as if they had known me since childhood.
* I'm not insisting on this as part of my directive, but it would be nice if Congress passed a "Bobby's Law" that applied only to me and ignored the medical needs of tens of millions of other Americans without adequate health coverage.
* Even if the "Bobby's Law" idea doesn't work out, I want Congress -especially all those self-described conservatives who claim to believe in "less government and more freedom" - to trample on the decisions of doctors, judges and other experts who actually know something about my case. And I want members of Congress to launch into an extended debate that gives them another excuse to avoid pesky issues such as national security and the economy.
* In particular, I want House Majority Leader Tom DeLay to use my case as an opportunity to divert the country's attention from the mounting political and legal troubles stemming from his slimy misbehavior.
* And I want Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist to make a mockery of his Harvard medical degree by misrepresenting the details of my case in ways that might give a boost to his 2008 presidential campaign.
* I want Frist and the rest of the world to judge my medical condition on the basis of a snippet of dated and demeaning videotape that should have remained private.
* Because I think I would retain my sense of humor even in a persistent vegetative state, I'd want President Bush - the same guy who publicly mocked Karla Faye Tucker when signing off on her death warrant as governor of Texas - to claim he was intervening in my case because it is always best "to err on the side of life."
* I want the state Department of Children and Families to step in at the last moment to take responsibility for my well-being, because nothing bad could ever happen to anyone under DCF's care.
* And because Gov. Jeb Bush is the smartest and most righteous human being on the face of the Earth, I want any and all of the aforementioned directives to be disregarded if the governor happens to disagree with them. If he says he knows what's best for me, I won't be in any position to argue.
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Underrated
MVP baseball 2005 (PS2) - I haven't owned an awesome baseball video game in about nine years or so. Until this one. After EA Sports' Triple Play series started to suck in the mid-90's I didn't buy a baseball game until 2002 and 2003 when i bought Acclaim's All-Star baseball 2003 and 2004. Those games were pretty solid but I never made it through the whole seasons. This year EA Sports outdid themselves. I heard rumblings last summer that MVP 2004 was awesome. I played it once at a friend's house and it seemed pretty cool. But this year I heard that the game had been improved upon. So much that it was garnering 007 GoldenEye/Tecmo Bowl/Megaman2 status. I had to check it out. I picked it up and yup, it rules. I'm about 70 games into my season and I'm kicking some serious ass. The extra features and unlockables like alternate and retro jerseys is awesome. As is the ability to unlock old ballparks like Ebbets Field, Forbes Field and Tiger Stadium. I highly urge anyone that digs baseball and video gaming to pick up a copy.
Taxes - Taxes...in the underrated column? You guessed it. Why? Because I didn't make enough money at all last year to warrant me filling out a state form. And because the federal 1040-EZ form was um...easy...to fill out. And I'm getting a whopping $37 back! Woooo!
Breyers Ice Cream - I'm not a huge ice cream guy. It's tasty stuff but I don't go out of my way to get it ever. Especially in the grocery store. But let me tell you, Breyers created a new flavor called Black Raspberry and Chocolate. It is freakin' delicious. Black Raspberry ice cream with little chunks of chocolate within. It's absolutely delectable. One of the best flavors of ice cream I've ever had. Not to be confused with ass cream. I am not R. Kelly. And yes, I still feel he is ripe for parody.
Overrated
College basketball analysts - They don't know anything. At least when it comes to helping me fill out my bracket. Wake Forest, Alabama, LSU, and Old Dominion screwed me. The analysts for like two weeks were basically greasing up their hands for figurative [blank]jobs for these schools. So I think, "Oh, these guys must know what they're talking about." Wrong! Most of my gut picks throughout the rest of the bracket were on the money including Louisville, Nevada, and Duke losing in the Regional Semi's. And I figured I'd do super well with the ESPN advantage. Yea, that was a crock. The lesson is "listen to your gut". That rule does not apply, however, to Kirstie Alley, Ted Kennedy, and that fat comic Ralphie.
The Ring 2 - I haven't even seen it yet and already people are telling me it blows. But it looks sooooooo cool! How can it be bad? They said it's not scary. They said it's drawn out. But it looks soooooooo cool. And Naomi Watts is sooooooo hot. I'm going to have to see it for myself. This will be a huge disappointment for me if it really does go the way of the Mets bullpen and suck. I do predict however, before seeing it mind you, that Sin City will be top 10 coolest movies of all time.
Logging Baseball - We at ESPN who make those snazzy little highlights that you see on Sportscenter have a not-so-fun task that John Q. Pub(e)lic doesn't see. That being the logging of the baseball game in question. This entails writing down every single play and nearly every single camera cutaway in the entire broadcast. We write down the timecode, the player, the camera angle, and the play - also the speed of the play if it's a replay. Oh and if there are bugs on the screen and/or scorepanels. (Bugs are those stupid little graphics in the corner of the screen that tells you what station you're watching.) Logging baseball is considerably harder than basketball or golf or tennis or hockey. I imagine it's harder than football too though I haven't logged it yet. But I've heard the rumors. That Nick and Jessica could be splitting up? Yea, I've heard those rumors. But I've also heard rumors that baseball is the hardest to log. So far they're right. I've also heard the rumor that your mom jokes are back on the up and up. To that I give a resounding "Huzzah!"
(You're lucky I couldn't think of a good way to April Fools all of you through a website. If I did you'd all find poo in your shoes or something.)
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