The Over/Under: October 2004

Well, October came and went and so did the Election. Hence why this monthly column is a few days late. I had to regain consciousness. So thinking back on the past month, what was so great and what sucked huge hairy....uh...what just sucked. Here we go.

Underrated

Boston Red Sox - You knew it was coming. I had to put these guys on here...for the second time in 3 months no less. What else is there to say really besides the fact that hell froze over? The Boston F-ing Red Sox won the goddamn World Series. And they did it in the sweetest fashion. They managed to beat the two best teams (record wise) in major league baseball 8 times in a row. Coming back from 0-3 to beat the Yankees including two games in the Stadium. Then going on to sweep the best team in baseball and punk them in their own crib for the clincher. Seeing 30 year-old GM Theo Epstein douse the owners in Mums is hilarious. There's not a better bunch of guys to win the series.

Fantasy Fest - This was my 5th year in a row going to this annual event. It's basically Mardi Gras but in Key West. And it used to be really gay (literally) and for older people. But thank god college kids heard about it and took it over! FF has undergone what I like to call the Anna Nicole change. Or to verbalize it: FF Anna Nicoled. I like the sound of that. Actually I'll probably just start saying something Anna Nicoled if it goes from gross to hot. For example, all those girls in high school that were hot, most of them probably reverse Anna Nicoled since graduation day. You know what I'm talking about. A great band called Pat O'Brien and the O'Briens wrote a song about it once called "Happiness Is a Warm Cinnabun." Anyway, FF was freakin' sweet. Boobies everywhere and just allaround drunken madness. I always have a great time when it comes to south Florida and this trip was no exception. Kudos to you America's penis, kudos to you.

Overrated

NY transit police - ...can kiss my ass. If you read my worst day column you'll recall how much these guys suck. I'm about to do the court thing for both of those tickets. We'll see what happens. Odds are I'll get screwed and owe both New York City and Harrison, NY a total of $300 or maybe more. Do I have $300? Hell no. It's time like these I wish I sold crack.

NHL players union - These sons of bitches are refusing to play hockey. The owners locked them out which is why my second favorite sport isn't going to happen this year. NHL players are greedy bastards who don't care if the league loses money and fan interest goes down. So now the fans get screwed. We have to settle for the AHL which is the NHL's minor league. So despite the fact that I'll have fun going to a select few Hartford Wolfpack games, the real deal Holyfield ain't happening. I want to make some kind of Mighty Ducks analogy here but it's just not in the cards. Instead I'll mention Blades of Steel. (Remember that game for Nintendo!?) The beauty of that game is that if you lost a fight you went to the penalty box and the winner stayed on the ice. Jesus, this is what hockey has come to. Reminiscing about Blades of Steel and NHL '95 for Sega. Hartford? The Whale!? They only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime! Damn you NHL, stop being douchebags and agree on something. The NBA sucks and my NFL team isn't going to make the playoffs so I have nothing to look foward to this winter. Except egg nog. Sweet, sweet egg nog.

Madonna & Bono - Why is Madonna visiting Jerusalem? Why? Why must she act like she's some sympathetic diplomat spreading peace? Same with Bono. Guys, you're musicians. No one cares about your political or humanitarian efforts. Case in point is this year's election. How many freakin' bands or artists or actors were rallying against Bush and look what happened? I think more good will happen when you keep your stupid asses out of these situations. AIDS doesn't need you, world peace doesn't need you and John Kerry didn't need you. You hurt and trivialize all those efforts. I appreciate the effort but face it, no one cares about you except for your music. And speaking of music - hey Bono! Why does your new song start, "uno, dos, tres, catorce"? I never you counted into songs with, "one, two, three, fourteen." I feel like I want to punch you. And you in the ovaries, Madonna.

Bonus Overrated!

Tim McCarver - Holy crap does this guy suck as a baseball announcer. Why Fox still gives him a paycheck and lets him do color commentary for the playoffs and World Series I'll never know. He is SO bad. Every comment is describing what the tv is already showing me. Yes Tim, I can see that he swung and missed at a curveball. I am watching the game. He adds nothing to the broadcast. He reminds me of the episode of Family Guy when they have the medieval games when Peter challenges the Black Knight. And Diane Simmons makes that really stupid comment and Tom Tucker goes, "nice contribution Diane" all sarcastically? Yea, Tim McCarver is Diane Simmons. What an axewound! Get another commentator, Fox! (That was supposed to be in the tone of the T-mobile commercial where the guy says, "Get another wireless plan, Harold!". Sorry if you missed that. If you got, you're as lame as I am.)