It's baaaaack. Ok, sorry that this column was promised for the first of every month...and then promised again for last Friday. And I had it ready for Friday but alas Hurricane Frances came and F-ed up my server so I had to settle for my crappy old blog style site. That is gone now as you can see and we're back up and running.
So without further adu, here is The Over/Under for August 2004.
Underrated
Boston Red Sox - As of Tuesday September 7th the Sawx are 18-2 since August 16th and only 2.5 games back of the Yankees. They're on such a roll right now. Ever since Jason Varitek, or J-Tek as the cool kids call him, gave Pay-Rod the forearm shiver up in Beantown on July 24th, Boston has been disgusting especially after dumping Nomar to the Cubbies. Their defense is better and the Yanks have been playing like a bunch of Sally's. It's great! Nobody, not even the most hardcore of Boston fans, would have thought the Sox had a chance to take the division from the Evil Empire, especially when they were down 10.5 games...on August 16th. Hopefully on October 4th we'll see Boston above New York in the standings. (On a sidenote, it's hilarious to see Yanks pitcher Kevin Brown break his hand over the weekend. Yea, by punching a wall in the locker room out of frustration. God, they're losers and dumb.)
The Assistant - If you didn't watch this show then you are simply not cool. There are so many people that cannot stand Andy Dick...and to those people I say "your lack of comprehension of B-rate comedy which is often times unintentional or made to seem that way, is astounding." That's a mouthful, I know. I was just trying to sound smart. Did it work? Damnit! Anyway, the show captured me. I think one of the reasons I liked it so much was the main reason my mother did not. "He's so rude and crass." Hahaha. He got to have 12 young punks be his bitches for a few weeks. He made them clean up his puke bowl from when he was sick. He made them perform embarrassing sketches, break up with his girlfriend (by fft, fft, fft, clipping her...she's super hot by the way) and made one pointdexter look for a contact lens in his swimming pool for an entire afternoon. Andy Dick is freakin' brilliant for creating this show. It puts him back in the spotlight and he gets to boss around kissasses on national television. Now that's Hollywierd.
Key Lime pie - Scrumptious. Simply breathtaking. I'd never had it until early August and let me tell you it is a delight. My aunt made it after I played a round of golf with my father and uncles. It was some type of store bought mix, I think, with a graham cracker crust. I think key lime pie is the Paris Hilton of pies - simple yet satisfying. And if you don't like that joke then you can suck it 'cause it's late and I'm tired of thinking. (But for your information I was going to say cocaine...if that matters.)
Overrated
the Olympics - I gotta say, I watched a lot of the Olympics this go-round and there's just some things that bother me. My biggest beef was the absence of the three sports I cared most about...from the television coverage I mean. These sports are handball, table tennis, and badminton. I saw about 30 minutes of table tennis one morning at 4am. I know what you're thinking, and yes I was drunk. And that made the Chinese players that much more exciting to watch. No one ever beats the Chinese at this. It's like the U.S. and getting fat. There's just no challenge from anyone else. On the badminton front, Bob Costas said at the beginning of the Olympics that badminton would be the new underground cult sport like curling was in 2002. I never saw badminton. "Supposedly" it was on at like 7am during the week. Now who the hell is awake at 7am? I mean, honestly. You can't create an underground following when the only people that will see the sport are geritols and Al Roker. I want my shuttlecock, goddamnit! And then there's handball. Never saw it. I think it was supposed to be on once but instead they aired race-walking. And if you read my The Excitment of the Olympics column, you know how I feel about that.
Hurricane Charley - Oooo, the big bad hurricane. Give me a break. They say 21 or more people died (depending on the report you read). That ain't no hurricane. Man, back in my day hurricanes obliterated like 200 people and they had manly names like Andrew and Hugo. Hugo cost the U.S. $7 billion in 1989 and then came Andrew in 1992. I don't think I need to mention how much damage that one gave south Florida. Charley? That sounds like that ambiguously gay and/or nerdy kid in high school everyone got creeped out by. Or was that just me? And what about the most recent hurricane to hit Florida - Frances? What is that? And now there's Ivan out there by the Antilles? What's with these Euro names? I guess those are more fitting for something that frustrates millions and makes a dirty mess.
Macy Gray - Has anyone seen the Sony Walkman mp3 player commercials lately? They feature Macy doing the worst hackjob of a performance of Aerosmith's classic hit "Walk This Way". I wanted to strangle the television in hopes there'd be some sort of voodoo effect on her. The cover is absolutely horrible. I don't think she's ever in key. And by the way, why did anyone ever expose her to drugs? Within 3 months of breaking through a few years ago she began stumbling around in a doped up haze...everywhere she goes. I swear to you. I dare you to try and find her sober. Go ahead. I can't even remember if she's good at singing either. She might be but no one can remember since she slobbers inarticulate lyrics into the microphone out of key now. Someone Old Yeller her ass already.
No comments:
Post a Comment