CPunchworld

Hey Republicans, Why You No Make-a the Joke?

2009-09-02T11:57:00.014-07:00

I read an article last week that claimed Glenn Beck's show on Fox News got nearly three million viewers early last week. This is mindboggling to me. Firstly, that any show on cable news would register a number even remotely close to that just based on principle. But secondly because, well, it's Glenn Beck. But that isn't my point this go-round. I'm not here to bash Glenn Beck - hell, his sponsors are doing that for me. But I digress.

Now assuming that this figure is accurate, and conservatives across the nation will no doubt nod gleefully/smugly that it is, logic poses a simple question: if Beck's tv rating is any indication of the kind of audience right-wing opinion has in this country then why isn't there a conservative version of The Daily Show on the air?

Simple question, right? If we extrapolate Beck's rating in conjunction with the ratings of Fox News's other shows (cable news ratings for August 21, 2009) we should be able to appropriately assume that there is a massive audience for conservative opinion. Based on that one would assume that the majority of the population of this country, if at least a large portion, lean to the right in some regard.

Oh, by the way, this whole premise operates under the idea that Fox News propagates conservative/Republican values. If you believe this is false you may want to take a hard look in the mirror because your face is probably colored retarded. Everyone knows Fox is right, MSNBC is left and CNN is confused.

Moving on.

So let's see. We have a Democratically controlled Congress, Senate and White House with gigantic majorities. Obama is one of most popular presidents in history. And somehow most people are, according to Nielsen, conservative. This actually makes a tiny bit of sense as the entire pendulum of politics has swung to the right in the last decade. Democrats are bowing to corporations even more than usual while continuing many Bush policies and the Republicans...well, they...I'm not sure if they're not more conservative than Jesus at this point. Let's just play nice and go with that.

Meanwhile, The Daily Show and Colbert Report are on fire. Getting great ratings and even greater critical acclaim. Jon Stewart is hosting the Oscars and Stephen Colbert is doing USO shows and landing interviews with possibly more congressmen and experts than Stewart. Together, both shows have garnered countless Emmy and Peabody awards. So I go back to the question at hand: if the conservative audience is so big, why isn't there a conservative version of either The Daily Show, Colbert Report, or both?

In my view, there are only two options here to answer that question. One is that Republicans have zero sense of humor. That comedy and poking fun at something you find ridiculous/wrong/incorrect/etc holds no value. The other option is that there is simply not enough from the progressive side that is ridiculous/wrong/incorrect/etc to actually make fun of.

I cannot for the life of me think of any other option. If there is I'd love to hear it. And I'm not posing this question to be a dick or anything; I'm actually very curious as to why there isn't a right-wing version of either of Comedy Central's flagship shows.

I can already hear some of the unintelligent responses to this now, "the liberal media elite would never allow it. People have probably tried only to be killed by the Hollywood Commies!" And while that's hilarious, it's also really, really, really stupid. If something has an audience and will make money Hollywood will do it. Why do you think they greenlight crap like Fast and the Furious and Band Slam? Hollywood is full of capitalistic sellouts, not conspirators.

So what do you think the answer is? Do Republicans simply have no sense of humor or does the progressive movement simply have very few bad ideas? It can't be one or the other, can it? Is it a combination? And if so, what percentage does each side hold?

This summer Republicans have really gotten their panties in a bunch about Health Care reform. I personally haven't really heard them offer any actual ideas about reforming the system even though say they, too, want reform. (Kind of like how they, too, wanted "change" when there were 12 Republican nominees for the Republican nomination. It's a buzzword they can latch onto for political gain.) All I've heard is a bunch of complaining and how things "were better before the Democrats ruined our values". Whatever that means.

My point is, the Republicans think everything the Democrats are doing with their power in government is ruining our country. So why is it that when Democrats thought Republicans were ruining the country for the better part of this decade The Daily Show and Colbert Report went from basic cable shows sort of lost in the crowd to making Colbert a Peabody award winner, President's Correspondents Dinner speaker, and overall media darling while Stewart was voted by the USA Today's readers as "America's Most Trusted Newsman"? Clearly there's something to be said for all that.

So, one more time, I ask you: if the Republicans find what's going on in America right now under Democratic rule to be so destructive and wrong and have such a huge chunk of the population in their corner, why oh why aren't there conservative versions of The Daily Show and/or Colbert Report??! I await your response, interwebs.

Sarah Palin and the Hypocrisy Factory

2009-04-13T02:38:00.004-07:00

I was wrong about Sarah Palin. She’s not an incompetent, redneck, evangelical, thuggish, condescending bitch.

Sarah Palin is an incompetent, redneck, evangelical, thuggish, condescending bitch of a grandmother.

Yea, sorry about that. I wasn’t specific enough before. Now I know what you’re going to say: “omg so hilarious. @THE_REAL_SHAQ you’re the best diezel!! lol”.

I know, you had to Twitter. But you’re also going to say, “jeez, way to bring up Sarah Palin. You liberals can’t leave her alone huh?”

Three things wrong with that statement. 1) She’s brought herself back into the spotlight. 2) I’m not liberal. And 3) I had to listen to her nonsense for two and a half months - I’m repaying the favor.

So where am I going with this? Simple - she couldn’t just leave well enough alone and get back to not seeing Russia from her house and not naming a newspaper she reads and shooting wolves from helicopters or whatever the governor of that godforsaken state supposedly does. She had to get involved, publicly mind you, with her daughter and baby’s daddy issues.

Ever since we learned Bristol was pregnant during the campaign and Sarah and the RNC rushed to include Levi in the family and get them engaged and put on that whole song and dance routine at the convention, we’ve never really heard anything from Bristol or Levi themselves. They were told to stay quiet and act like they had figured out love and wanted to get a jump start on starting a loving, responsible, American family earlier than most of us usually figure it out. It was an atrocity and a disgusting display of using your child as a political prop. Oh, and I’m talking about Bristol here. You might have thought I was talking about Trig since he was used as a prop as well - if you think otherwise you’re more delusional than Homer Simpson after he ate that Guatemalan Insanity Pepper.

Anyway, since the muzzles were taken off after the Election, we hadn’t heard from Bristol or Levi about their impending parenthood...until recently (and kudos to them for keeping it a non-public issue for as long as they did). Bristol spoke out against abstinence saying it wasn’t “realistic because we don’t live in the 19th Century, not even in Alaska” and that teenage girls just need to be smart and truly think about their actions and if they chose to have sex to use protection. Seems like an intelligent and responsible thing to say, right?

Wrong...well, according to her mom. The Lipstick Pitbull came out of nowhere, cut her daughter off and told the media Bristol is hopped up on Wasilla brand crystal meth and doesn’t know to go along with whatever mommy says....er I mean, Bristol meant to say that abstinence education is best way to educate teenagers about sex.

You can’t see me right now Mrs. Palin but I’m giving you the bird. He’s a rare Hyacinth Macaw and I’d like you to take good care of him while I go on vacation. His food is in the bottom drawer. Thaaaaannkss!

(Read: yes, I Googled “rare pet bird” to get that species.)

Maybe I should hire that blonde he-she from the internet to say this: LEEEAAVE BRISTOL ALOOONNEE!!!!

Give it up, Sarah. No one cares about you and you keep re-proving why you were a liability to Senator McCain’s campaign. Bristol has her own opinions and in America, we let everyone have one. And when her baby’s daddy, Levi Johnston, has an opinion about you (like he did on Tyra and Good Morning America) you don’t need to shout back like a teenage girl with hurt feelings. Leave well enough alone.

You’ve got plenty to do up there in Alaska like refusing Bailout money...and then taking it. And watching your extended family get put in jail for felony burglary and criminal trespass and theft.

Bristol may have made a mistake in telling Levi he could pull out and Levi may be a cocky asshole. But you know what? They’re teenagers! This is what they do.

Screwing and deviancy: that’s what teenagers do!

Get used to it, Sarah. Welcome to the real world - it’s been this way for a long time. Christ, look at yourself in the mirror! Your husband has a criminal record and he knocked you up five times! Who are you to speak about abstinence and responsibility!?

Here’s the deal, Sarah. You bring nothing to the table. Your own running mate from the Presidential Campaign doesn’t even, and won’t, support you for a 2012 bid. The only people that even remotely support you politically are the fringe nutjobs of the Republican party that believe the Bible is literally true (Yay talking snakes!) and are slowly rendering themselves politically irrelevant.

But even disregarding political views you seem to show your true personal colors the more you talk. No one’s been asking to hear from you and for good reason. Because you say dumb shit like this. Leave well enough alone.

The First Amendment lets your daughter speak her mind just as it lets you speak your mind. The difference, though, is that she speaks with a sense of modern reality in her voice. You speak like a political dinosaur hoping to cash in on her pseudo and fading fame. Enough, Sarah. You’re through.

Oh, and my friend Willy has something he’d like to say to you:

You get NOTHING. You lose! Good day, madam.

Finding Christmas Within The Coughs of the Flu

2008-12-22T22:54:00.004-08:00

I sit here stuffy nosed, achy chested, and all in all feeling like total crap. It's 10:54pm on December 22nd and I know that none of you have read anything from me in almost two months. Not since the last word was written lambasting the McCain/Palin ticket and angry word after angry word was written criticizing those who supported them. Well, since then we picked a new president. He'll be sworn in in less than a month. But we're three days away from something that is supposed to symbolize the, if only for a tiny bit, ignorance to our differences be they political, ideological, or even just sporting.

It's funny how when you're in a vulnerable state you allow yourself to accept people more. Because when you feel trapped or helpless or in danger or merely just under the weather you cling to that which binds us together. Humanity.

(I realize that sounds extremely corny but hang in there with me.)

We ignore our differences and accept, again if only for a fleeting moment, the kindness of the core of ourselves: humanity and decency for each other.

It's been seen before. Sure you can look to 9/11 or other negative situations like the typhoon in the South Pacific a few years ago or Katrina. But why is it that way? Why is it that we refuse to notice that, hey, we're all in this together, until a large number of our species is killed or injured? That doesn't make any sense to me.

I'm a victim of it too, though, I suppose. I find ways to forget the singular reason why we're all here and take it for granted. We all do. Life is too busy. But I guess it's just me being sentimental to say, even though Christmas has become a secular capitalistic holiday, let's make sure we focus on the essential meaning behind the holiday.

We can argue over religion all day long but really, the meaning of Christmas is bigger than that. The meaning of Christmas (and maybe this is me just being idealistic) is an all-encompassing hope that we can realize the very point of humanity. However, since we cannot physically see everyone on this planet, we visit our families. Think of them not only as your closest out of all of humanity that you love but think of them as a microcosm of the rest of the world.

Does that sound sappy and corny? Probably. But you know what, right now, I don't care. This time of the year does it to me.

When we grow up Christmas changes. When you're a kid it's all about the toys and going to whichever relative's house. For me, and probably many others, this was the routine for many, many years. You establish traditions. But at some point the traditions break. Families have quarrels or some pass away or some of them move away and you have to find new traditions for Christmas. These traditions become what you feel Christmas is all about. Going to grandma's house on Christmas Eve and eating the same dinner every year with the same aunts and uncles and cousins. This is what Christmas is all about. You grow up expecting every Christmas to be the same...but it won't always be the same and you become disappointed when it changes.

I hated when these changes started for me. They're still changing, in fact. However, at 26-years-old I know there are plenty of new traditions to make and eventually traditions I will start with my kids that they will cherish.

The good side about growing up? It's slowly realizing what Christmas is really about.

It was never about the toys. It was never about eating the same thing every year. It was never about the same 47 minute drive up a dark highway into central Connecticut and then driving back late at night drifting asleep in the car thinking about what you'd get the next morning. It wasn't even about the memories. Nope.

It was about the fact that beyond whatever was happening in the world, beyond what family problems might be occurring, beyond what gifts you got or what you ate, you loved these people and wished them well.

This isn't something that I've just stumbled upon at 26. It's something you slowly realize. Everyone has that moment when it clicks and they fully "get it." I'm just now putting it into words. Why? I'm feeling vulnerable.

I've got the flu and I'm sitting here thinking about all the things I need to get done before I head back to Connecticut. Or at least I was. Until I stared at my computer screen in this dark and empty apartment and the moment struck me. It's Christmas time.

And don't think that because this is technically a Christian holiday that this message or lesson applies only to gentiles. Please. Anyone and everyone, friends and enemies, people from every nook and cranny of this earth deserve to realize and put into practice the point, the essence, the chakra, if you will (and I will), of Christmas.

Take a moment over the next three days to really think about what matters to you. When you see your family don't forget what you just thought about. The trick though? When the presents are all unwrapped, when the family's gone home, when you've gone home, when you're already thinking about the new year and work and all your everyday problems, try and remember what you felt just a few days prior...and extrapolate it. Apply it to others beyond your family. See what happens.

It's kind of sad in a way that feeling vulnerable is the catalyst to realizing what really matters. But that is how we operate in the 21st century. So I guess the point of this article is to help you realize the point of Christmas without having to become vulnerable first. Think of this as a little present from your humble author.

I don't claim to know everything but I figured this mini epiphany might help you in some way. If we only respect our humanity but once a year it might as well be at Christmas. Just do me a favor and try not to forget it until next Christmas. There's enough people forgetting altogether to cover us for years.

Merry Christmas, my friends. The jokes will start anew in 2009.

The VP Debate - Bingo Cards Not Included

2008-10-06T02:35:00.003-07:00

6:00pm PDT - Gwen Ifill gives us the rundown of the events. She looks radiant in her turquoise jacket. She must have gotten it at the thrift store I got my pedophile costume. What? At least I didn’t make a cripple joke.

6:01 - Biden and Palin meet and shake hands. Palin asks Biden if she can call him Joe. I guess this was an attempt to put Joe off his game by seeming polite. Joe should have responded by saying, “no, please call me Professor Happypants.” That would have turned the tables the governor for sure. She sure does look hot though.

6:02 - Biden talks about the bailout. Talks about Barack Obama and his stipulations for any rescue plan. Joe says he and Obama want to focus on the middle class. He’s being boring and right. Damnit.

6:04 - Palin responds with a “take a look at the economy by going to a local soccer game”. She then drops a “you betcha.” Why do I think this won’t be the last time I’ll hear that phrase. Says McCain represents reform.

6:06 - Biden says he has a lot of friends on both sides of the aisle. Drops the “McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong.” Here comes the gauntlet.

6:07 - Palin says the American workforce are the fundamentals McCain was talking about. “Team of Mavericks” is dropped. Oi. “Get down to gettin’ business done.” Shoot me now. She said “maverick” again. Anyone playing a drinking game at home?

6:08 - Ifill is annoyed because neither of them answered her question which was “why do you want to be vice president?” I’ll field that one Ms. Ifill: personal chef.

6:09 - Gwen asks who was at fault with the sub-prime mortgage problem and if she thinks it was the lenders’ fault. The first words out of Palin’s mouth are “darn right.” Really, America? I’m gonna pause real quick and ask you right now: are you seriously considering this woman to be vice president? Really? This woman? Ok, unpause.

Acknowledges corruption. Good for you. Oh God, did I just hear “Joe Six-Pack” and “Hockey Mom”? Is she trying to kill college students across the nation via alcohol poisoning? This is gonna get ridiculous.

6:10 - Biden responds by saying Obama warned about the sub-prime problem two years ago and that McCain was surprised that that could happen. Also mentions that McCain has wanted more deregulation and less oversight which is exactly how we got into this mess in the first place. I don’t really have any jokes for Senator Biden. He’s sticking to responding with details and personal anecdotes that illustrate his points. Um, I think he’s debating.

6:11 - Ms. Ifill asks if Palin wants to respond to Biden’s talk about healthcare and Palin refuses and would rather talk about taxes. Ahhhh, she said “darn right” again!!!! Kill me now. Says Obama voted to increase taxes 94 times which I know is false. She also says Obama plans to raise taxes on families making $42,000 a year. That is also not true. Who’s checking her facts?

6:12 - Biden corrects her on the “voted 94 times” thing. Says by her standards McCain voted 477 times to raise taxes and both points are not true. Then asks why Palin didn’t answer the original question about deregulation. Gee, I wonder if this is going to be a theme.

6:13 - Ifill gives Palin a chance to respond to Biden and she says “I’m still on the tax thing.” Apparently her cue cards don’t have an answer to that. OMG - she just admitted she’s not going to answer the questions the moderator or Biden ask and that she’s just going to talk to the American people about her track record...which is??!?!? Who let this woman in the auditorium, seriously?

Says she’s reduced taxes in Alaska. Biden is flabbergasted that she is going off on this tangent smiling and keeping from laughing. Ifill cuts her off because she ran out of rebuttal time.

6:14 - Ifill asks Biden about he and Obama’s plan to raise taxes on those making over $250k while asking Palin about her and McCain’s plan to tax employer’s health benefits that would put 5 million more people uninsured.

6:15 - Biden preaches fairness. Says 100 million middle class households get no tax breaks under McCain's plan. Says 95% of people making less than $150k will get a tax break under Obama's. CPunch likey. Biden talking directly into the camera now. This is good, McCain and Obama didn’t this in their first debate.

6:16 - Palin actually says something somewhat smart although I don’t know if it’s accurate. She claims that Biden and Obama plan to tax small businesses which will hurt job creation. Oh man, she just blew it though by saying that government is too often the problem and that taxing is unpatriotic. If government is the problem maybe you should ask your running mate who’s party’s been in charge of all these problems the last eight years.

6:18 - Ifill asks if Palin wants to talk about McCain’s healthcare plan. Palin says yes and she wants to “give us a couple of details”. Well, isn’t that great. Aw shucks, well thanks! Uh oh, she just said that Obama’s plan will mandate coverage - woo woo - False Alarm is ringin’. Not true Ms. Palin, his plain isn’t universal healthcare “mandated by the feds.”

6:19 - Corrects Palin on her small business jab. Biden explains how McCain will offer his $5000 healthcare rebate by taxing employers’ healthcare benefits. Then says the $5000 credit will then go straight to the insurance companies, which I’m assuming he’s implying that McCain is in their back pockets. Oooooo: “and that’s what I call a bridge to nowhere.” Snap, Joe. Snap. Dropping the hammer!

6:20 - Ifill asks about what plans each campaign would have to cut with the economic slowdown. Biden says he doesn’t want to slow down on many programs but does want to eliminate wasteful spending programs. Doesn’t really get too specific besides saying he’s had enough of offshore bank accounts skipping out on taxes.

6:21 - Palin responds by saying John McCain doesnt pander. Um....riiiiiiight. How do you think he won the primary, sweetheart? Thanks for playing.

Oh wait, she doesn’t want to answer the question. Instead she wants to talk about energy plans (?!?!?!). Oh god, she is blatantly reading off her cue cards. Does anyone honestly think this woman knows anything about anything? She is reading her cue cards and not even looking up. She’s blabbering on about how she stuck it to the oil companies when she was governing Alaska.

6:23 - Ifill re-asks Governor Palin if she is then not going to change her strategy and cut anything because of the economic downturn. Palin says “there is nothing she’d cut” and then says she’s been at this for only five weeks and hasn’t had a lot of time to make any promises. Anyone else just sigh really heavily?

She just said the bailout needs to have a ton of oversight despite her agreeing with McCain that generally they want deregulation. Does she know what “contradiction” means?

6:24 - Biden is giving out specifics on how McCain’s ties to oil companies and tax breaks for them is completely contrasting to Palin’s record on dealing with oil companies in Alaska and that actually Obama/Biden’s stance on the oil companies is just like what Palin did.

6:25 - Palin is rambling on about McCain being the only senator that wanted to put reigns on Fannie/Freddie (remember, he wants to deregulate!) which really doesn’t answer Ifill’s question. Wow, and I’m sure she didn’t mean it like this and just got dyslexic for a second but it’s funny; she said “it’s a toxic mess on Main St. that’s affecting Wall St.” Oh, Sarah.

6:26 - Biden says he and Obama support mortgage lending banks to lower the principle and interest rate for mortgage owners so that people can stay in their homes and keep banks in business. Says McCain doesn’t support that.

6:27 - Oh wow. Ifill asks if Palin wants to respond to that and she says she doesn’t and would rather talk about both tickets’ energy policies. How is Gwen Ifill not interrupting and yelling at her? This is unbelievable. This is like arguing with a child.

She says east coast politicians are the reason why Alaska can’t produce energy ie drill in ANWR. Says energy independence is the key. No shit.

6:29 - Ifill asks what she thinks about global warming and how it was caused. Palin says that it’s not entirely manmade but that also its the earth’s cyclical climate change and that there’s definitely a climate change. Was that redundant? Yup. Just paraphrasing the governor. She doesn’t want to argue the causes. Well that’s funny - we need to know the causes to find the solutions you bimbo.

6:31 - Biden thinks it’s clearly manmade and says what I just said, that we need to know the causes to find the solutions. Says McCain has voted against alternative energy development. Says it will take 10 years for any oil in our own reserves that McCain wants to drill to be used. That’s an obvious fact everyone knows. Although I’m sure Palin will find a way to disagree with it.

6:33 - Oh yea, Palin just said “nucular”.

6:34 - Biden is getting annoyed. You can see it in his face. He just corrected Palin when she said that Biden is lying about his support of clean coal production. He says the quote was taken out of context and was really pertaining to exporting the technology to China. Notice how Palin never responds with any kind of argument like this facts.

6:35 - Biden supports all rights for same sex couples.

6:36 - Palin doesn’t but says she’s tolerant. I think there was a South Park episode like this - “you don’t have to like people different than you, you just have to tolerate them.”

6:37 - Biden clarifies that he and Obama do not support gay marriage in the legal sense but that all civil rights need to be applied to gay couples. Palin says nothing but “I agree.” Great, we can move on.

6:38 - Here we go - we’re on foreign policy now and she says that McCain’s plan for the surge is the best way to go and that Obama not only opposed the surge but also funding the troops. Joe Biden just gave a WTF face.

She says we need to win in Iraq. Hmm, win. My roommate made a good point, he goes “the war on terror isn’t a hockey game you can win or lose. The only thing we’re losing are American troops.” Take that, Sarah!

6:39 - Biden: “Gwen, with all due respect, I didn’t hear a plan.” He makes a good point. She never said what McCain and her plan was on getting the troops out of Iraq. Biden also says that the only one not on board with a withdrawal strategy is McCain and that even Bush is talking to Iraq about a withdrawal.

6:41 - Palin just took about five seconds of pause staring straight down at her notes to try and respond to Biden. She comes up with: “your plan is a white flag of surrender.” Sweetheart, the “cut and run” argument died long ago.

Now she’s going on about Biden wanting to have been on board with McCain’s campaign until he got picked to be Obama’s VP and that he said during the Democratic primaries that Obama wasn’t ready to be president. Biden keeps laughing as if to say, “lady, are you for real?”

6:43 - Biden seems a bit annoyed again and emphasizes that McCain voted against funding the troops simply because there was a timeline in the bill for withdrawal. He’s really making a pointed effort to pit McCain with Cheney and Bush here. Smart strategy.

6:44 - On to Pakistan/Afghanistan as Biden says that he and Obama know that the central front of the war on terror is from the Taliban bases in the hills of the border of those two countries, not Iraq like McCain says.

6:45 - Palin says that the central front on terror is, in fact, in Iraq because she says General Petraes and the leaders of Al Qaeda said so. I have no idea how true that is but it doesn’t seem right. As far as I know bin Laden is still in the hills of Pakistan/Afghanistan and he’s the Al Qaeda leader right?

And she just said “nucular” twice again. And twice more. She’s going on the McCain rant about Obama not needing pre-conditions to meet with enemy leaders.

6:47 - Palin just said she had a good conversation with Henry Kissinger. Really? I’m sure you two had so much to talk about what with all your similarities in that three minutes you two talked.

6:48 - Ooo good one from Biden. Just let the world know that McCain doesn’t get that Ahmadinejad doesn’t control the security of Iran, but that the theocracy does aka the Ayatollahs. Biden drops the line about McCain not wanting to sit down with Spain just like Obama did. McCain did say this though the question he answered with that was a bit confusing. But still, jeez, think about what you say better, John.

6:50 - Palin loves Israel. No, you don’t understand, really. And not just because McCain needs to win Jew-heavy Florida.

6:51 - “No one’s a bigger friend to Israel than Joe Biden.” That is hilarious.

6:52 - Palin is happy that she and Biden both like Israel. Uh, what?

Now she’s saying that Obama and Biden are too busy pointing out the mistakes of the Bush administration to care about bringing change. I’m not sure she follows what they’re doing here. It’s called tying your running mate to those failed policies. To show that your administration would be no different. God, you’re an idiot.

6:54 - Right on cue, Biden: “Gwen, past is prologue.” Ooo, that’s gotta hoyt! Biden hasn’t heard how anything McCain supports is different than George Bush.

6:56 - Oh god, a nuclear weapons question. My head is going to explode over how many times Palin says “nucular.” Whoa, all of a sudden in the middle of her rambling about nuclear weapons she actually asks Gwen Ifill if she can talk about Afghanistan now. She’s trying to draw differences between Bush and McCain and she just said Obama said we’re bombing civilians and that that was a bad thing to say. I smell a Biden correction!

6:57 - Facts matter to Joe Biden apparently. He says the general in Afghanistan says the surge protocol would not work in Afghanistan opposite to what Palin just said.

6:59 - Palin says that that’s not entirely true and Biden comes back with a McCain quote from a couple years ago where he said that Afghanistan was won. It’s getting a bit chippy in St. Louis!

7:00 - Biden is proud of his interventionism when it came to Bosnia/Kosovo and thinks we need to help the people in Darfur. Says we need to rally the world to act.

7:02 - Palin just said that it's obvious she’s a Washington outsider because she doesn’t flip flop. Well, I don’t know how true that last part is but I’m not sure how that attack all of a sudden comes up. Apparently Alaska has something to do with funding the help needed for fixing Darfur. I have no idea what Palin is talking about.

7:05 - Palin just said John McCain knows how to win a war. Really? Cause I’m pretty sure we lost in Vietnam. Hahaha, the last part of her response, which didn’t answer any question anyone asked, was, “John McCain will know how to win a war.” Will know. Future tense. You just said he already knows. Wow.

7:06 - Ifill asks how the VP’s would run the country if the head of the ticket, God forbid, died. Biden says he’d fulfill all of Obama’s policies.

7:07 - Palin just called her and McCain and team of mavericks. I’m so effing sick of hearing that. Shut your freakin’ mouth, lady.

And she just winked at me. Excuse me? This is not a lapdance, Sarah.

Oh god, she just said we need to bring some of Wasilla Main St. to Washington. No thanks, don’t think we need to be shooting animals from helicopters while on a crystal meth bender.

7:09 - Joe Biden goes to Home Depot! Woo hoo.

7:10 - @#($*&)#$&@)#(&$)# “Say it ain’t so, Joe”?!?! “Doggonit”??!!? Sweet Moses Brown. What? Now we’re giving shout-out’s to 3rd graders and telling them they get extra credit for watching a vice presidential debate? 3rd graders still eat paste, Sarah. 3rd graders still eat paste. Sarah Palin has officially jumped the shark.

7:12 - Ifill points out that Palin said in July that she didn’t know what the VP does and Biden said that he didn’t want to be VP. Palin says that apparently no one got her or Biden’s joke. Um, I don’t really know what Biden meant by that but I saw the video of you saying your “joke”, Sarah, and you looked pretty damn serious to me.

7:14 - Palin is reading off a cue card again very obviously when talking about how Cheney has redefined the roll of the vice president. I’m almost at a loss for words at this point.

Wait, she just said that part of her qualification to be vice president is because she was a business owner. You know what she owned? A carwash - and it went under. Way to go!

7:15 - Oh man, Biden dropping the hammer again. Says Cheney is the most dangerous VP we’ve ever had and that the 1st Article of the constitution clearly defines what the VP does - that it’s not flexible like Palin thinks and wants it to be.

7:17 - Palin just said that part of the reason she’s qualified to be vice president is because of her strengths of, ya know, being a mom. I shit you not. I can tell you right now, I love my mom to death but she is not vice presidential material and I think she’d agree with me.

It’s funny because Gwen Ifill’s question was “what do you think your Achilles heal is?” Sarah Palin talked about how being a mom made her part of a great team with John McCain. Yup.

7:18 - Biden right off the bat jokes that Ifill was nice to point out only one flaw of his and he elaborates that he thinks he can be too passionate.

Biden starts talking about the rough times he had when his wife and child were killed and gets a little choked up and illustrates that he knows what it’s like to have to really fight through the tough times and make it out on top in the end. Really a strong point in this debate for him.

7:20 - Palin dropping the “maverick” tag again. Millions of college kids are now getting their stomachs pumped. Good job, Sarah.

Let’s say “maverick” one more time.

Wait, she just said Leiberman, Giuliani and others have different viewpoints that show how bipartisan John McCain is. Is this lady off her rocker? You betcha!

7:22 - Biden is sick of this “maverick” talk and points out a half dozen examples when McCain's not been a maverick by his own standards. By anything that actually affects regular Americans.

7:24 - Palin dropping the “bipartisan” tag again as well. Anyone still standing?

7:26 - Biden says he’s never questioned any other senator’s motive, just their judgment. That’s how he’s bipartisan, he says.

7:28 - Finally the closing statements. Oh man, how predictable - Palin is glad the mainstream media wasn’t running this debate to filter what she says so that she can just speak to the American people. Let me translate that for you: I’m glad I was finally able to answer questions I had cue cards for and was prepped for two weeks for as opposed to having to answer questions off the top of my head like I had to with Katie Couric, that annoying bitch. That’s what she really meant.

7:30 - I feel like my grandfather’s talking to me when Joe Biden speaks into the camera. Like a grandfather who always told you great stories and was there for you every birthday with a surprise gift you didn’t know you wanted but still loved years later. The man warms the heart.

Wait, that warmth is copious amounts of booze in my system from the Sarah Palin Drinking game but I really meant what I said about how Joe comes off when he talks directly into the camera.

7:31 - The debate is finally over and I think my head is going to explode. This wasn’t even close. Joe Biden had facts and spoke with certainty and poise. Sarah Palin proved she could read. There ya go, America.

McCain v. Obama - Debate #1: First Blood!

2008-09-29T01:59:00.001-07:00

6:00pm PDT - I can see the back of Jim Lehrer’s head. He already looks annoyed that America only sees him every 4 years when he moderates a debate.

6:01 - What the hell!?? We have scorecards!! (I’m watching this on CNN) Begala, Bennett, Borger, Brazile, Castellanos, and King. Let’s get it on!

6:03 - Jim Lehrer says “there will be no noise or cheers of any kind ...except right now!” as the two walk out and shake hands awkwardly. I’m surprised McCain is here considering it took him 22 hours just to get from New York to Washington, DC.

6:04 - Castellanos already deducted a point from McCain and he hasn’t said anything yet! What the hell is going on here??? I mean, I don’t plan on voting for the guy but what could he have done even before this thing begins?

6:05 - Obama starts out talking about Main St. Stresses oversight on Wall St. This is the first of what I assume will be many sticks on McCain about those greasy corporate loopholes.

6:08 - McCain’s first words are to let us know Ted Kennedy is in the hospital - thanks for the downer! McCain cracks lame joke about his age - self-depricating humor doesn’t work when it’s true.

6:09 - McCain speaking in generalities. This will probably be a theme.

6:10 - Lehrer is annoyed that no one answered the question: do you support the bailout? Allow me to answer as if you were asking me, Jim: “no”.

6:11 - McCain says “a lot of people saw this trainwreck coming.” Apparently not you John since you said the fundamentals of the economy were strong just last Monday.

6:12 - Obama sticks it to McCain and says we need to stop helping Wall St. and start helping Main St. I have a feeling I’m going to get sick of hearing this from Barack.

6:13 - Lehrer tells Obama to speak directly to McCain - McCain jokes “do you think i can’t hear him?” John made me smile...ahhh, that probably won’t happen again.

6:14 - McCain is optimistic about America’s strength as an importer/exporter. What do we export again? Well, ya know, besides debt and arrogance.

6:15 - McCain says spending is out of control - says “Republicans came to Washington to change it but it changed the republicans”. I must not have been alive yet.

6:16 - McCain starts his rant against earmarks by citing a 3 million dollar plan to research bears in Montana. Apparently the senator doesn’t watch The Colbert Report or he’d know that bears are godless killing machines and are the number one threat to America. I fully support that earmark.

6:17 - Obama lets everyone know that McCain’s tax plan would only help the super rich while his plan lowers taxes on 95% of Americans. This is where McCain should counter with a bullshit alert (providing that claim is untrue)...he does not.

6:19 - McCain is a sheriff apparently. Splendid.

6:20 - Obama interrupts and corrects McCain on his tax plan with specific examples of who would get their taxes cut and who wouldn’t...again. How many times is he going to have to explain this?

6:21 - McCain refuses to talk directly to Obama. Now he’s talking about his business tax and how lower business taxes equal more jobs. Uh, no? That just gives businesses more opportunity to make a profit. That doesn’t necessarily mean more jobs. I wonder if regular Americans get that.

6:23 - Obama speaks directly into the camera about who will get tax cuts and tools on McCain’s business tax idea some more. I can’t wait till the economic themed debate - I’ve already heard all their talking points!

6:25 - McCain is now making things up about Obama’s tax plan (which is weird since Barack’s already stated specifics about his plan). Obama sticks it to McCain on his oil company ties and the tax breaks he’s given them. McCain has no response to this except to laugh nervously. Wow, that’s creepy.

6:28 - Obama talks about how he wants to invest in new alternative energy even after the economy forces the government to cut spending. Even talks about structural specifics that really nails home the fact that he knows what he’s talking about. This is the thing McCain has yet to do regardless of whether you like him or not - he’s given no specifics about any of his plans for anything.

6:29 - McCain says Obama has the most liberal voting record in the senate - at least he has a voting record.

6:31 - McCain “fixed and then killed a bill” that would have solidified, to him, a bad deal between DOD and Boeing. Fixed...and then killed; I think he just blew my mind.

6:32 - Obama replies to McCain’s claim of being the most liberal: “that’s just me voting against everything George Bush wanted.” Touche salesman, touche.

6:33 - McCain wants to freeze all spending except for military/defense and veteran’s funding. Obama quickly interrupts with “that makes no sense - how about education for young children, we can’t cut that?” He lists two or three other examples but I can’t type and remember that fast simultaneously.

6:38 - McCain apparently doesn’t like spending because it’s all he’s talking about. Probably should tell his wife that - I heard she has 13 cars and a $300,000 outfit! (That was a joke - I don’t care what his whore wife does.)

6:39 - Obama says “John, it’s your president who’s had an orgy of spending that you’ve supported 90% of the time.” That’s a point for the Blue Barracudas - what’s next Ole Mec?

6:40 - McCain drops the “Miss Congeniality” line again. Really, John? It’s getting tired. McCain cites no examples and calls himself a maverick and even calls Sarah Palin a maverick. In an unrelated story, I am a firefighter.

6:42 - McCain really driving home the point that the surge has worked and that we will win. He keeps stressing “victory”. If he were Giuliani right now we’d be celebrating the 100th use of the phrase “9/11” at this point in the debate by now.

6:43 - Obama responds with “the surge isn’t the issue, we shouldn’t have left Afghanistan and gone into Iraq in the first place.” I have no joke for that; it’s painfully true.

6:44 - McCains says the decision of the next president isn’t to worry about the fact that they went into Iraq initially. But they will have to figure out how to fix what McCain’s party screwed up.

6:46 - Obama stresses Biden knows a ton about foreign policy to try and shore up his own foreign policy credentials. “John you like to talk about the war starting in 2007 with the surge - it started in 2003. You were wrong about a ton of things.” I think John McCain just gave me the Eli Manning Face (if you don’t watch football I apologize for that one).

6:47 - McCain says Obama doesn’t understand the difference between a tactic and a strategy. But McCain sure knows the difference between a tactic and a stunt. Glad you could join us in Oxford!

6:49 - Obama is annoyed that McCain is distorting his votes and corrects him on the specifics of a troop funding bill that would have tricked Americans into thinking Obama didn’t want to send money to the troops. This is how politics work - you tell Americans that your opponent didn’t vote for a bill that would do good except you don’t tell them the reason they voted against it was because your side attached an amendment that would have screwed the whole operation or helped you profit in some sick way.

6:51 - McCain says Obama would have taken the troops out before the surge started working. As much as the surge has worked in Iraq it’s also helped to indirectly destabalize Afghanistan and strengthen Iran’s resolve.

6:54 - Obama talks about giving Pakistan no more free rides and basically says we can’t let them sit idly by anymore. Eff you Pakistan, we’re going into your western mountains and effing shit up.

6:55 - McCain admits a mistake in screwing the pooch on Afghanistan. McCain is not prepared to threaten Pakistan (read: I’m a huge pussy). McCain actually makes a good point that more troops aren’t the only solution - that we need a new strategy in Afghanistan/Pakistan to get bin Laden. If I were scoring this debate like the six CNN pundits I’d give McCain his first positive point.

6:57 - Obama with a solid comeback correcting McCain - “if we have bin Laden and al Qaeda in our sites we have to take them out. But I didn’t say I just want to attack Iran. But coming from someone who sings songs joking about bombing Iran, that’s not very credible.” Obama says we coddled Musharraf (and we did) and thusly we screwed ourselves in Pakistan. More Eli Manning Faces from McCain.

6:59 - McCain wants to take us on a history lesson by stating that he voted against Reagan about Iran in the early 1980s. Then says he supported the Gulf War and going into Kosovo and Bosnia. I didn’t know anyone opposed support for those last 3 wars and their human rights violations...

7:01 - McCain tells us a story about how he’s wearing a soldier’s bracelet and the soldier’s mother apparently told him not to let her son die in vain. Now he’s droning on about his war experience. bla bla bla. He’s very focused on the idea of winning an abstract war. This isn’t like Charlie, John. By the way, why were you a POW in the first place? Oh yea, because you suck at flying airplanes and arrogantly flied too far into enemy space and got shot down (the last of your five plane crashes). Slow golf clap, anyone?

7:02 - Obama: “I’ve got a bracelet too!” Barack, you don’t need to try and one-up McCain on the “who do dead soldiers’ parents love more” tip. Obama redeems himself with: “no US soldier ever dies in vain because they are carried out the mission their leaders gave them. The question is are we making good judgments?” Gets back to the point that leaving Afghanistan was the biggest problem. I think he’s trying to tell us that leaving Afghanistan to fight in Iraq was a mistake.

7:04 - McCain “I’ve traveled places!” John wants us to know he has a passport. His running mate....ooo, just barely.

7:05 - McCain drops the “we don’t want another Holocaust” line. Really, John? Wow, what a revelation.

7:08 - Obama says the biggest thing that has helped Iran grow is the Iraq war! I feel like we’re talking in circles now which is strange because it feels like we’re talking in circles and I wish I didn’t have the feeling that we were talking in circles.

7:10 - McCain can’t pronounce Mamoud Ahmadinejad’s name...consistently. says that Obama wants to talk to enemy leaders without preconditions.

7:11 - Obama says Ahmadinejad isn’t the most important person in Iran (I don’t get that). Saying McCain’s own advisors agree with Obama’s idea for preperations before meeting with enemy leaders. says his idea of meeting with enemy leaders isn’t like inviting them over “for a cup of tea”. McCain is mischaracterizing his position on this. Obama cites examples when diplomacy has worked.

7:15 - McCain corrects Obama on Kissinger agreeing with Obama’s position on meeting with enemy leaders.

7:17 - McCain cracks joke about meeting with Ahmadinejad: “oh no you won’t wipe Israel off the planet”. Funny joke but it’s a lie about what Obama meant about meeting with enemy leaders. Fortunately for McCain it came off as a good point for him. I’ll give him a point because I’m starting to feel sorry for him.

7:20 - Obama “you don’t deal with Russia by staring into Putin’s eyes and seeing his soul” Good dig on Bush’s policies. Hey, did you hear that McCain has supported Bush over 90% of the time? That means that McCain just got burned by Obama by association!

7:21 - McCain looked into Putin’s eyes and saw a “K-G-B”. Good line as well as talking about Russia’s corrupt economy and bank on petrol-dollars. However I’m not sure anyone didn’t think Putin wasn’t a part of the KGB.

7:26 - Obama says McCain has voted 23 times against alternative fuels. I think on-the-fence hippies just made up their mind.

7:27 - McCain says the opposite and claims off-shore drilling is a short-term problem for gas prices. That’s funny because we won’t see that oil for 10 years.

7:28 - McCain says we are safer now than just after 9/11. Why don’t you ask Americans if they feel safer; not sure they’d agree with you on that one regardless of what you know.

7:30 - Obama thinks we are safer in some ways but not completely. We haven’t fixed problems with ports. This is a huge point. Doesn’t think we’re spending enough money on nuclear proliferation. The ports thing is big - the idea that all those crates are coming into the country unchecked everyday scares the crap outta me. I’ve seen the second season of The Wire. That shit is crazy.

7:32 - Obama really knocking home the point that the current administration has botched spending money on a war we shouldn’t be in while help at home isn’t there. Ron Paul’s been saying this for a long time now. That old gyno comes off a little crazy sometimes but he makes sense on this issue at least.

7:33 - McCain just said Obama as stubborn as Bush. Are you serious? I think I just crapped my pants. McCain says he doesn’t need any on-the-day training. However he will require adult diaper training.

7:34 - Obama says no one around the world looks at America the same as they used to in that positive light that America is the beacon of hope in the world. It’s funny how an honest and true statement like that will get spun by Republicans to be un-Patriotic. Sorry we all don’t live in a fantasy camp with gumdrop clouds and chocolate syrup rain.

7:35 - McCain brings up his own POW story yet again. Serving your country is admirable but it does not give you credentials to be president.

7:36 - It’s over - Obama tells McCain he did a good job. Both shake hands with Jim Lehrer and meet with their wives. Obama asks Michelle, “how we doin?” I’m not sure but I think her response was “I’m wet.” I guess she thought he did well.

As an aside...

Final CNN tally:

Begala - McCain 0 Obama 9
Bennett - McCain 4 Obama 2
Borger - McCain -2 Obama 5
Brazile - McCain 1 Obama 4
Castellanos - McCain 9 Obama 11
King - McCain 7 Obama 5

McCain 19 Obama 35

That’s all she wrote. See you later in the week for the vice presidential debate running diary. I’m going to bring an extra pair of underpants as I’m prepared to piss myself laughing at Sarah Palin’s stammering incoherent responses. Until then...

This Week In News: Lightning Round

2008-09-17T16:19:00.010-07:00

I'm introducing a new segment to the site that will help to fill in the gaps between longer more fleshed out articles. It's called...well, just look at the damn title of this entry.

I'll will do quick blasts of a few of the latest headlines I've found while bored at my actual job. I will try to keep them politics-free as the main courses generally are politics heavy as I'm sure you've noticed.

So without further ado...

Britney's Mom Thought It Was a Joke

I know what you're thinking, "which joke are we referring to because her family has been spinning out of control in a whirlpool of bad decisions and idiocy for years now." Well, it's about Jamie-Lynn. Did you guess correctly?

Lynne Spears told Al Roker earlier today on, uh, The Today Show, that she found out Jamie-Lynn was pregnant when her youngest daughter handed her a written note. Lynne said, "I thought it was a joke...I kept waiting for the punch line."

Lynne, the punchline is your overall ineptitude at being a mother. Both your daughters have fallen into the dark, dangerous chasm of fame and now you're trying to profit off it with a book that only reveals how inept you were at handling both Britney and subsequently Jamie-Lynn's horrible decision making and fragile psyches. You screwed the pooch big time and now you're realizing it but figured you might as well make a buck off the fact that idiot America would rather read about the sordid details of your dysfunctional family than factcheck.org to realize when their presidential candidates are lying to them (ok, we got a tad political there).

Way to go Ms. Spears, you're not only a terrible mother but you're also a huge bitch for trying to profit off it. Your thinly veiled attempt to seek sympathy is pathetic. Send yourself and your daughters to group therapy and don't come out until your grandkids have been adopted by a foster family or when Britney gets hot again and accepts my offer to father her third child - whichever comes first (that's what she said). Thank you.

College Girl Auctions Her Virginity Away

I love America sometimes. A 22-year-old college student has decided she wants to auction off her virginity so that she can pay for college. What a great idea! In these tough economic times it's great to see that American ingenuity I've heard so much about. Some say it's prostitution. Some have ethical problems with it. Me? Dynamite idea.

Ebay told her she couldn't post her auction there (damn Ebay ethics) but the Moonlight Bunny Ranch just outside of Las Vegas gave her the thumbs up to run out of their offices. Hell, it must have been easy to get the ok since her sister is currently working there to pay off her own college debt.

What I really like though is that she's dreaming big. She hopes the auction will reach $1 million. That's really bold of her considering no hatchetwound on the planet is worth that much money. Not even Megan Fox...mmmmm, Megan Fox.

I think the Bunny Ranch's owner said it best when he said, "I think it's a tremendous idea. Why lose it to some guy in the backseat of a Toyota when you can pay for your education?" Yea, this guy apparently lost his virginity in the backseat of a Toyota and now he owns the Bunny Ranch! The American Dream is still alive!!!

TP Research Yields 3-Ply

Finally! My ass was gettin' torn up!

In college I used to rock the one-play because it was all I could afford. The rest of my funds went to my boozing and womanizing (you'd be surprised how much womanizing costs). Then when I moved to California two and a half years ago I decided I needed to step up to the two-play even if it cost me a little extra. I was sick of cornhole chaffing. I knew I would start to eat better in health-conscious southern California but I figured if I was putting good stuff in my body I should take care of where it comes out of my body.

Now that toilet paper researchers (what a great/gross job) have managed to invent three-ply (how did it take so long!? I'll make you 13-ply tomorrow!) I'm never going to have a dry parched starfish ever again. Quilted Northern, you complete me.

Sarah, You Have Some 'Splainin' To Do

2008-09-04T12:36:00.004-07:00

"We need change, all right - change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington - throw out the big-government liberals, and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin."

That's from Mitt Romney at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota Wednesday night. Either Mitt thinks it's 1994 (the last time before 2006 that the Democrats held power in Congress) or he is out of his f*cking mind. Is he not aware we've had a (awful) Republican president for the last eight years and Congress had been in Republican control up until January of 2007? Let's see what other contradictions and hypocrisy we can uncover.

And that seemed to be the theme last night at the RNC. Let's throw a ton of bullshit against the wall aka the TV screens of America and see how much sticks. Well, it's my dire hope that not much did. I pray (and I use that word symbolically) that people in this country that are undecided or teetering can see through the proverbial fecal matter on their trinitrons and plasma screens and see what the Republicans have done this week.

Last night was Sarah Palin's night and she became the queen of the poo-flinging. Lies, distortions, exaggerations all came out of her mouth like pepper shrimp out of Pierce Brosnan's mouth in Mrs. Doubtfire. Very grossly and easily identifiable.

"I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending ... and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress. I told the Congress 'thanks but no thanks' for that Bridge to Nowhere."

Well, that's not true. In her first 20 months as governor of Alaska she requested $750 million of special federal funding, the most per-capita of any state in the country. Oh, and you'd be correct in assuming that $398 million of that was for the Bridge to Nowhere that she originally supported despite the fact it connects the mainland to an island comprised of 50 people and an airport with barely 200,000 passengers a year.

"There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform - not even in the state senate."

I guess working with Republicans to pass legislation that would seek out and destroy shipments and stockpiles of WMD's (which became law in 2007) isn't a major law. And that's just one example.

What is everyone else saying though?

John McCain: "She's been governor of our largest state, in charge of 20 percent of America's energy supply ... I'm entertained by the comparison and I hope we can keep making that comparison that running a political campaign is somehow comparable to being the executive of the largest state in America."

Actually, it's only the largest state in the category of landmass. It's 47th in population and she has no control over the oil there. She can only tax it just like George Bush could only tax all the oil in Texas.

"She's the commander of the Alaska National Guard. She has been in charge, and she has had national security as one of her primary responsibilities."

True, she is the commander of the ANG. Funny story though, whenever the National Guard needs to respond militarily, you know, like actually do stuff, they report directly to the Defense Department...over her head. Therefore her responsibilities are basically nothing when it comes to the National Guard. I think she might make them lunch though.

Lest you forget about John's pill-popping wife, Cindy...

"She has made a lot of foreign policy decisions. She's very experienced...Alaska is so close to Russia."

By the way, this whole foreign policy by proximity point has been made by many Republicans in the past week. However, that just makes it even more laughable. I don't seriously believe any of these people actually believe what they're saying. This is what we call blind loyalty to get your party elected.

There are many other lies like Mike Huckabee saying that Palin received more votes when she ran for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got in his 2008 presidential bid. Even if you combine both her original and re-election campaigns stats she only received 1,525 votes. Biden received over 76,000 before he bowed out last winter. Apparently they don't teach math in Arkansas or he's just another lying Republican trying to walk the party lines.

The point is this. Before we talk about the fact that no Republican this week has talked about the economy and how they'd fix, before we talk about Sarah Palin's complete lack of real experience (being the mayor of 7,000 people and a governor of a state smaller than Austin, TX is considered real executive experience??!), before all that, we need to realize the blatant and unbelievably absurd amount of horseshit being lobbed at the American people.

It's one thing to disagree on policy issues. Palin and McCain are pro-life, Biden and Obama are pro-choice. These are the kinds of debates we can honestly have and should be having. I have my opinion on that particular issue but it doesn't matter anymore. It isn't the point. The point is deception. I'm not so naive that I don't believe the Democrats lie and twist things a little to prove their point from time to time. I'm sure they do. But if they are doing that this time, they're doing a hell of a job hiding it.

With the internet, the political landscape and reality in general are so much more transparent. Anyone can find the facts buried under the loads of dung. That means accountability is more important than ever. No one can get away with anything. I won't deny I'm not the first person to write an anti-Palin/McCain article. Hell, the last entry from last Friday was published almost simultaneously with seven others just like it from news outlets like The New York Times to the Huffington Post to the Washington Post and the Daily Kos to CNN and MSNBC. There's a reason we're all attacking her. There's a reason we're all calling shenanigans.

Because as journalists (yea, why not, I'll call myself a journalist) we're supposed to dig and find the truth. Chris Matthews said the exact same thing on his show, Hardball, yesterday. The biggest thing that pisses me off that comes out of the media trying to do its job is the idea that the media is being sexist.

THE MEDIA IS NOT BEING SEXIST.

Anyone that thinks so needs to get a reality check. If you have zero experience, blatantly lie about your opponent, have possible legal trouble and try and cover up said legal trouble and your 17-year-old daughter's pregnancy (that by itself is not an issue) when you yourself support laws that would strip rights away from the family and give them to the government when you hypocritically ask everyone to let your family deal with it (that is an issue), the media will and should come down on you.

All run-on sentences aside, you are going to feel the wrath of the truth beating you over the head. When Fox News analyst and former George Bush ventriloquist, Karl Rove says that Governor Tim Kaine of Virginia doesn't have enough experience (3 years) and whose city he was mayor of isn't big enough (200,000) and then just a month later says that Sarah Palin has plenty of experience (20 months) and was a mayor of a big enough city (7,000) you start to smell the stench of manure. You start to realize this is a microcosm of everything the conservative side of America stands for. It's a disgrace and all of them should be ashamed of themselves.

(By the way, in case you really want to get pissed off, here are the links for those two soundbytes. Thanks YouTube.

Rove on Kaine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-jrk2e0MMs
Rove on Palin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9I_5F3qXYo&feature=related)

No one honestly cares about Bristol Palin and her d-bag boyfriend. No one cares that Trig has Down syndrome (though we're all sympathetic to idea of the disability). No one cares that all of her children were seemingly named by either blindly pointing to a list of "Strange Town Names of America" or "words no one ever uses". No one cares that her husband got a DUI 19 years ago. No one cares she has a strange accent. And no one cares she was the runner-up in the Miss Alaska pageant in 1984. No one effing cares. Those facts are not important in this debate, in this campaign, in this entire political field.

What we, the media, and subsequently the American people care about is the deception and begotten from that deception, the acquired knowledge that John McCain has no freakin' idea what he's doing anymore. That is the problem. That is what Americans need to realize is what's going on here.

Would you ever think that Republicans would actually admit they're full of shit about Sarah Palin? That all this enthusiasm and defense of her is feigned? That they in their heart of hearts and their minds (They're not stupid people by any means, the strategists and politicians at least. The citizens are a different story.) know that John McCain and Sarah Palin are the completely wrong choice and cannot win based on the truth? Nah, no way, no how - right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrG8w4bb3kg

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Oh and remember that whole thing about Obama being the elitist and being out of touch with America. Say what you want about his Columbia and Harvard education but take this nugget of info as another microcosm of what the McCains are all about (them and their seven houses). Cindy McCain's entire outfit including that hideous gold dress from a couple nights ago cost, according to Vanity Fair, roughly $300,000. I'm sure that's something the lower and middle class families in the Rust Belt can really relate to.

Lies, deception, exaggeration, hiding the truth. Welcome to your Republican Party.

It's an absolute outrage and a slap in the face to every American that we are subjected to the McCain/Palin ticket as a legitimate option for the presidency.

One last tidbit before you storm the Capitol in a fit of rage. Remember that whole rumor about Trig not being Sarah's son and really being Bristol? Remember how the conspiracy stated that Bristol was out of school with mono for five months (three months longer than the longest one would normally suffer from the virus) and that that was a cover-up because she was actually pregnant? And remember how it's easier to have a child with mental disabilities when you're much older but also much younger? Remember when Sarah Palin was dripping amniotic fluid in Texas and decided to give her speech anyway before traveling 17 hours back to Wasilla to deliver the baby? And remember when all the photos of her when she was supposedly seven months pregnant seem to show no physical change from a regular Sarah Palin especially when compared to photos of her seven months pregnant with her other children? And lastly, remember when out of the blue Palin admitted her daughter was five months pregnant last week to dispel these very rumors? Remember all of that?

Here's the deal. I'm willing to believe Trig is her son and that all of the conspirators info is false. I'll bite. But if that's the case and she didn't conduct one of the greatest conspiracies in modern political history then she is the worst mother on the planet. Here's a little graph to help you follow.

http://img364.imageshack.us/img364/4628/sarahpalinla4.png

Yea. Oh, and don't be surprised if "out of nowhere" Bristol has a miscarriage with her current child. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

So kudos to you Republicans. This is your ticket. Two people with horrible judgement, a complete lack of ethics, and the balls to lie and distort every shred of truth all to win an election. That is not country first. That is yourself first. That is Joe Leiberman pandering to Barack Obama in 2006 to get re-elected to the Senate and then bashing him yesterday to promote John McCain. That is Karl Rove saying 200,000 people isn't big enough but 7,000 is. That is Cindy McCain and every other Republican operative essentially telling you that since her proximity to Russia equals foreign policy experience that than apparently I should run the INS because I live two and a half hours from Mexico. That is John McCain calling himself a maverick despite voting along with George Bush nine times out of 10.

That isn't country first. That is f*cking bullshit. And you, my friend, should be enraged at the audacity of these people to think they can convince you otherwise.

Forgetting Sarah Palin

2008-08-29T21:14:00.008-07:00

Well played, John McCain. Well played.

You aren't so senile after all. You've also proven you've still got some fish swimmin' in your man pond because you chose a former Miss Alaska runner-up to be your running mate.

That Sarah Palin is one fine piece of ace.

Unfortunately, as fine as Governor Palin is, and she's super fine (look at those glasses - she could peruse my card catalog any time), she has excruciatingly less experience in public office (at least public office that matters) than Barack Obama. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the main tenant of the McCain/Republican attack on the Democratic candidate?

Now I'm not going to sit here and jerk off Obama (I've already done that enough that any women that read this site have probably been blog-o-seminated by proximity.) However, I will try and examine why John McCain chose Sugartits (that's my new pet name for the governor - like it?).

According to her Wikipedia page (because seriously, why should I even bother doing any more research when other people have done it for me!?), Sugartits was a Wasilla, Alaska city councilwoman in 1992 until 1996 when she became mayor of Wasilla. She was re-elected in 1999 and ousted incumbent governor Frank Murkowski in 2006 where she's been ever since. Wow. That's quite the resume. I'm sure there's so much important stuff to take care of as a city councilwoman...in Wasilla, Alaska. I suppose she had a little more responsibility as mayor of a town 6,715 strong. Ah, to be fair, they give themselves the status of "first class city" on the city's web page FAQ. One can only assume it earns that label because it's the home to the Iditarod Dog Sled race. Shouldn't they then give the city the classification of "Best In Show"? What, no good?

Here's a fun fact though - Sugartits was an original supporter of the Gravina Island Bridge or as you may know it, the Bridge to Nowhere. Remember that little ditty? It was a bridge that would have cost $398 million of federal money that would connect the town of Ketchikan to its airport which for some reason is on an island off the mainland. What's the problem you ask? The airport barely has 200,000 passengers a year and already has a ferry that transports people to the airport.

The biggest gripe about the bridge besides the fact that it's only a quarter mile from the mainland to the island is that Alaska officials refused to fund the bridge themselves. They wanted all $398 million to be taxpayer money. Not only that, but when the government wanted to re-apportion all that money away from the bridge to help New Orleans recover from Hurricane Katrina, Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK) threw a temper tantrum and threatened to quit the Senate.

This became a media spectacle and everyone from Alaskan residents to the media to Congress itself called the bridge project an example of porkbarrel spending which in layman's terms means "a waste of f*cking money."

Now, back to our beautiful governor.

She supported this plan...well, until it blew up in the state's face and became an embarrassment and she had to save face. So last September she officially canceled the plan. But guess what, all that taxpayer money got to stay in the state! Yup, the government said that Alaska should decide what to do with all that money. Wonder where all that money went...

A few more tidbits about Sugartits (hey, that rhymed!). She fully supports opening up the Alaska Wildlife Reserve to drill for oil that we wouldn't see for 10 years and is a metaphorical thimble full when compared to the rest of the world's supply. Also, she stated that she does not think global warming is man-made...but only after she was announced as McCain's running mate. And on that same tip, she threatened a lawsuit against a government motion (by the Repbulican Secretary of the Interior) that would put the polar bear on the endangered species list because it would "hurt oil and gas development off Alaska's north shore." Aww, isn't that nice.

Now Palin, pardon me, Sugartits isn't all bad. I'll give her one piece of credit. Remember that blank check the government gave Alaska after the Bridge to Nowhere plan was abolished? This year she's given Alaska residents an "energy debit card" worth $1,200 to help ease the crunch of gasoline prices. So actually, I think we should all feel better about ourselves because now we know where some of our tax money is going. To help all those Alaskans drive a little cheaper! Yahoo!!

That's about it for Sugartits. Remember, she's only been a governor for 21 months. I mean, I can see why John McCain picked her now. I mean she totally has more credentials than Barack Obama and his eight years as an Illinois State Senator and four as a U.S. Senator. And I mean, Sugartits's Broadcasting degree from the University of Idaho is so much more impressive than Obama's Political Science degree from Columbia and Law degree from Harvard where, oh by the way, he was the first black president of the Harvard Law Review and graduated magna cum laude.

There's no comparison, right? I mean, Obama's biggest flaw is his lack of experience right? That's what McCain is trying to convince us of. He's not experienced enough. Man, I'm sure glad he picked a running mate that has experience then. He's not throwing a Hail Mary in an attempt to convince all the pyscho-feminist Hillary supporters that they should cross party lines and choose him instead of Barack Obama whose policy stances are very similar to those of Clinton. He's not trying to do that. And I mean, it's just a coincidence that she happens to be very attractive, right? You're not going to intentionally try and convince sexist Republicans that wouldn't vote for a woman president but would let it slide if she's a VP and easy on the eyes, right John? Nah. Not calling Shenanigans on that one.

I'll assume the Republicans are trying to take the high road here. Maybe a bridge; those are high roads. Yea, that's a good metaphor.

McCain-Palin 2008: "A Bridge to Nowhere."

An Official Response - Why You're Wrong To Doubt Obama

2008-04-21T13:24:00.004-07:00

I love this country because we can have honest dialogue (if the people disagreeing with you are competent enough) about anything without fear of punishment of any kind, FCC withstanding. This is fantastic, however, the only problem that occurs is that some people think they know what they're talking about when they don't and really try to argue their point without realizing that what they're saying is both incorrect and embarrassing.

So, even though I appreciate the many responses and comments to my last article I wish the retorts against my sentiment were a little more heavy on the fact side. I will quickly respond to some of the "counterpoints" against my argument and re-explain why Barack Obama not only is the best Democratic nominee but also the best fit for the presidency of this lovely country.

There was some talk about Hillary Clinton being a woman. Well, until we get official word that she is not a succubus I will concede that fact. Be that as it may, I don't really feel that she being a woman is a bigger elephant in the room than the fact that Barack Obama is an African American. They're both pretty big elephants and I'll bet any amount of money that being black is a bigger obstacle in rural and southern America than being a woman. And guess what, that was part of my point from the last article. Read some articles about voters in rural Pennsylvania and there is a lot of talk about these towns coming from very bigoted roots and how some are still not completely in the 21st century as far as civil liberties go. There are, unfortunately, still a lot of people that have a problem with race. A bigger problem than sexism, unfortunately for my readers that think otherwise. So no, I don't think being a woman really hurts Hillary at all in this.

Also, I never insinuated that the media backed Hillary. What this comment was in response to was when I said this:

"Now as soon as Clinton hears this and the media hears this they realize that our overprotected prudish hears can't handle it and therefore must cry out. Well, Clinton and Fox News cry out. Everyone else reported the cries and made things worse because they need something to fill the space before next Tuesday's primary. Shame on all of them."

I did not intend to assume that the two parties were in cahoots. What I meant by this was that Clinton hears what Obama said and knows that her less than educated friends will think Obama means this in a derogatory way and knows it's a good soundbyte for her to put on her virtual bumper stickers. Similarly, the media realizes the same thing and knows it can get ratings by airing something he said, out of context, and spin it to make him look like an insensitive dick. This doesn't mean that the media is backing Hillary. It means they both know how to exploit something. That's not what we want out of our media or our president.

Moving on...

Someone else mentioned that Obama's comments came from a "misanalyzation" of a NY Times article about rural Pennsylvania and the lack of jobs. First of all, Obama is far too intelligent and has far too many intelligent people surrounding him to "misanalyze" something like this since it's so important to this primary. Secondly, why would he get his information from a newspaper? Don't you think he'd have people on the ground getting his information for him? Politicians on the campaign trail respond to articles about them, they don't use them to gather information. Those newspapers report on them. Oh and I used quotations because "misanalyze" or any derivation is not a real word and the commenter used it. See, I can exploit someone else's inadequacies too!

Anyway, this person goes on to say that Obama is "spitting in the faces" of these rural people because he wants to "socialize the country." Well, no, you're wrong. Hillary Clinton wants to socialize the country. If you read both of their health care plans you'll realize that within the 3% difference of their plans is the biggest point - and that is that the way she wants to cover everyone in this country is socialization whereas Obama wants to keep the current system but make everything less expensive so that people can afford health care. Which in turn would create universal health care without making you feel like you're in socialist society. Know the difference.

Another argument against Obama was that he is talking down to us. That's your opinion and you're entitled to it but it can still be factually wrong. When he speaks out for the little man, when his entire campaign is about government transparency and wanting the people to be apart of the government process again, he is speaking with and for the people. Not down to them. His entire "hope" message has been about uniting the country as a common people. That is why he is where he is today. That is why he's leading Clinton and, save for the Second Coming where Jesus flips the crazy switch and Hillary wins every remaining primary by a 70/30 split, will become the Democratic nominee.

I know this person said this, though, in response to the "bitter/cling" comment. And if one was to rush to comment against an online article then I could see why such a person would respond the way they did. Clinton and the media found a soundbyte they knew people that either already didn't like Obama or just wanted to find something to talk about would spin to make Barack look like a huge dick. And congratulations, that's exactly what those people did.

Here's the thing though, no matter how insulted middle America might be by that statement, it doesn't make it any less true. That's the simple fact of it. Again, that's the fact, not my opinion. My opinion is that it was, for the most part, an okay thing to say.

Here's where I will compromise though. I'm not going to be completely stubborn. I know, shocking, right? The one thing I will budge on is the word "cling."

The only thing Obama should have done differently is not use the word "cling." That's it. Not because it pissed people off but because it probably isn't true enough. Yea, I'm sure plenty of people are in love with their guns and in love with their religion and one or both are a huge part of their lives. Is there something wrong with that? Eh, that's a tough answer. I briefly touched on it in the last article and I'll say again that if it doesn't affect anyone else and it makes that person happy then go for it. Problem is that when these people apply the belief pattern that leads them to cling to guns and religion in the way I described to how they operate in the political world it affects everyone and that isn't cool.

Also, I guaran-damn-tee you that Obama did not mean that because people have lost their jobs that therefore they "cling to guns and religion." Those aren't a part of a cause and effect relationship. Anyone who isn't a part of the Jump-To-Conclusions Board would understand that.

Let's first acknowledge that the majority of people who lose their jobs (in general, not only in middle, rural America) become bitter about their government and the economy when their job is outsourced. And even more so when it's outsourced to a country where many of the locals flee to America illegally. You cannot tell me that that isn't the case. If I worked in a steel mill or a GM factory, etc., and lost my job of 25 years to Nicaragua and then realized a lot of Nicaraguans were coming into this country I'd be pretty pissed. But that doesn't mean that all of a sudden then I would decide I want to be really religious and shoot at things. That's not what Barack is saying. The vast majority of people in middle America already have a close relationship with guns and religion - that's just a part of the culture there. Being pissed off and bitter about losing your job to another country just adds salt to the wound.

Now what Barack is trying to say is that this situation is shitty. This situation needs to be fixed and he wants to fix it. He wants to help because he does care and guess what, he's campaigning for a job in which he can actually make some changes to help these people. He's not talking down to them. He was at a fundraiser in San Francisco, a place where there aren't a lot of people that understand the plight of rural America (note: too busy listening to the Grateful Dead and not trimming their pubes). He was there explaining what he's seen on the ground there and why he needs their help (mostly monetarily) so that he can become president so that he can therefore help middle America.

Lastly, being an "elitist." I said it last time and I'll say it again: what's the problem with being an elitist? Think about the root of the word - "elite". Dictionary.com tells me that means "the choice or best of anything considered collectively, as of a group or class of persons; persons of the highest class; representing the most choice or select; best."

What am I missing here? We as a nation want...pardon me, need a person that is better than all of us. If we wanted an average person, someone just like us, to lead the country we'd petition until George Bush was allowed unlimited terms in office. Unless you've been under a rock or are a really, really stubborn, moronic Republican you'll know that that hasn't worked out too well over the last 7.5 years.

I want someone better than me. I want someone who is smarter, better connected, richer, more compassionate, more willing to compromise, more willing to listen, and overall a better person. Barack Obama exemplifies all of those characteristics without being out of touch with those that he's better than. That's the difference between him and just about every other politician especially Hillary Clinton who has been in the game for far too long. She knows exactly what to say to trick regular Americans into thinking she really sympathizes with them. She's lied a million times and will continue to do so until regular Americans realize she's making them eat shit sandwiches. And personally, I like roast beef. The Clintons are far too proud and far too filled with a sense of entitlement to play nice or back down gracefully when they've been beaten...which they have been for the last two months.

So while using the word "cling" wasn't the best word choice, what Barack Obama said was, in the grand scheme of things, factually correct. His problem, if you can call it that, is that he assumes most of America is smart enough to realize he doesn't mean what Clinton and the ratings-hungry media want you to believe. And I know the media has been easy on Obama. But then again, it's hard to be hard on someone when they don't have many negatives going on. There's a reason millions of people have fallen in love with him. It's not an aberration. It's not trickery. It's not a scheme. It's a politician trying to have an honest dialogue with Americans as if we're all equal. Imagine that - an elite person having a quality discussion with regular Americans about the things that matter to them. So that when he has the opportunity to fix the government, we the people will have our voices heard. Yea, it's a novel concept I know. But I guarantee that if you open your eyes and strip away your cynicism you'll realize that this man, as blunt and honest as he is, is the right person to lead us on January 20, 2009 and beyond.

I might not have much faith, but I have faith in that.

The 'Bitter' End For Hillary Clinton

2008-04-16T11:25:00.004-07:00

Yea yea yea, it's been a few weeks. I know - and it'll probably start being more like that unfortunately. Long story short, the people that were going to put me on TV over the last couple months have realized they made a mistake by not having me on. So my good friend and I will be on the road reporting from various college towns checking in with said college's baseball teams. If you have the CBS College Sports network then you can watch us almost every night on their Sportscenter type show called College Sports Tonight. We'll be on the air from April 25 - June 25. If you don't have CBS College Sports then demand that you get it from your cable or satellite provider. I don't want any excuses!

Now, we're here, we're queer, get...wait, no. That's the wrong phrase. Well, right now, I'm here and I'm 'bout to get in your face with some truth. Ready? If not, avert your eyes. I don't want to scar you for life with reality. I'll let you know when it's safe to put down your Bible.

Ok, so in the past week we've been hearing a lot about a certain comment by Barack Obama about middle America and small rural towns in Pennsylvania in particular. He said the following:

"You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton Administration, and the Bush Administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not."

"And it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

Am I the only person that has no problem this this statement?

I understand the media has to talk about something but something isn't news because Hillary Clinton wants it to be news. In the past few weeks we've heard a public "gaffe" from each side - Obama with these comments and Clinton with the lie about when she landed in Kosovo in 1996. The difference between the two, though, is that Obama's statement was true albeit un-PC and Clinton's lie really was a lie, not a "misspeak." Clinton's lie made her seem like more of a hardass than she is. And she'd made those claims multiple times before until some in the media finally called her out on it. Obama's recent statements are not only dead right for the vast majority of middle America but brutally honest. He's not mixing words.

Now as soon as Clinton hears this and the media hears this they realize that our overprotected prudish hears can't handle it and therefore must cry out. Well, Clinton and Fox News cry out. Everyone else reported the cries and made things worse because they need something to fill the space before next Tuesday's primary. Shame on all of them.

It just boggles my mind that some people can be so stupid that they can hear Hillary and all these news outlets rip Obama on his comments by saying he's an "out-of-touch elitist" and a) find the first part to be true and b) find the second part to be a negative.

a) Barack is not out of touch with middle America. He and his wife grew up poor as dirt. Hell, he's from middle America. And even though some people may not want to hear it, almost everyone knows in their heart of hearts that what he said about middle Americans is undeniably true.

b) What's wrong with being an elitist? Did I miss something? Jon Stewart made a great point on The Daily Show Tuesday night in which he said, "I want someone running for president that knows he's better than me." We've had 7.5 years of a president that we know we could beat in a spelling bee let alone properly discuss nuclear arms treaties and global warming initiatives. Aren't we ready for a change?

It's really a shame that so many people in this country can be told something by the media and accept it as truth and not think for themselves. Instead of letting all these news outlets (and I don't consider Fox News a new outlet considering it's just hate and fear mongering 24/7) talk about something for 48 hours because they have to fill their programming blocks and having us buy into it as fact, why don't we as Americans take a step back and realize that what Barack Obama said is painfully true. There was no level of dickitry involved. He was blunt, honest and even sounded a little sad about the plight of these people. Hell, he's right! They've had thousands of jobs taken away from them and shipped to China and India and who knows where else. You don't think they'd feel bitter about that?! If not, you're out of your goddamn mind!!

What's the next part of that statement: "they cling to guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiment." Are you going to tell me with a straight face that on average most people in these small rural towns in middle America don't have these traits? I mean, it's not Opposite Day or anything. They do own guns. Keep in mind, no one ever said it's a negative thing to own a gun. It's in the Bill of Rights. The negative connotation associated with that comment is that some people have less prudence when owning a gun than others. They do cling to religion. You probably already know my position on religion but if someone believes in X, Y, or Z that's fine...until they press those "teachings" on others or apply what their religion has taught them to how they interpret reality in ways that affect others (like politics). And the anti-immigrant sentiment. When your job has already been shipped over seas and then you see millions of Mexicans and other Latinos come into America and take jobs (that too many lazy white Americans think they're better than) I'm pretty sure you'd be anti-immigrant too.

So basically what I'm saying is: why are we getting on Obama's case for pointing out the obvious? It's apparently one of those things that everyone is thinking but no one says because they're afraid of offending someone. Hey, I got news for you, just because something is offensive doesn't make it any less true. And guess what, what Barack said wasn't meant to piss anyone off. It was said with tact and it was said in plain English. There was nothing derogatory about it. He didn't namecall. He didn't make any snide comments. He called it like he's saw it. And guess what, he's right!

This country, even with its liberal edges, is still way too conservative. Middle America is great. I've been to many place and will go to many more places in the coming weeks in middle America and I look forward to experiencing these places. There are some great things to do in these towns and some friendly people (and don't forget the great food!). But when it comes to serious matters like politics people crawl back into their conservative shells and find ways to get angry over something that they all know is true. They just don't want someone else pointing it out. And god forbid a black man points it out.

Wake up, America. Barack Obama is a brutally honest, in-touch-with-regular-folks, brilliant guy who "gets it." There's a reason the most recent national Gallup poll has him ahead of Hillary 51-40 and ahead of John McCain 46-44. There's a reason he's had just about 1.5 million individuals donors to his campaign with little to no money coming from corporations and none from lobbyists. Clinton and McCain get much of their funding from the people that are NOT in touch with regular Americans yet say Obama is the one that is the elitist. It's unfortunate for them that the scoreboard says regular Americans want someone better. They want an elite candidate. The status quo may have worked before (actually, it didn't) but now America wants someone who won't bullshit them...and can form a full sentence. That person is Barack Obama. And no matter what the news outlets say over the next week and even if Hillary wins Pennsylvania it doesn't change reality. She needs the comeback to end all comebacks - she's sitting where Mike Huckabee was about six weeks ago.

One more time, wake up, America. Take your chastity belts off and take your hands away from your ears. It's time for an unfiltered, unbiased, honest president to get this country out of the clusterf**k that it's in right now.

Barack Obama 2008 - Si se peude.

Florida (and Michigan) F'ing Things Up Again

2008-03-24T17:05:00.003-08:00

So you're telling me there's a chance!!

That's what Hillary Clinton is thinking right now. Well, maybe a couple weeks ago more than today. Talks have stalled in Michigan and Florida on how to handle the delegate situation in those states. If you have no idea what I'm talking about then you may want to do a bit of reading. But since I feel sorry for you, I'll briefly recap where we're at in this long Democratic Primary season and why we haven't anointed Barack Obama the nominee yet.

The states of Florida and Michigan agreed, along with all other states, to keep the schedule of primaries the Democratic National Committee slated. For whatever reason I'm not aware of, nor does such reason matter at this point, both states decided they wanted to move their primaries ahead of schedule knowing full well they could be penalized by the DNC by doing so. They wanted to do this so that they would be better assured their primaries would matter, in so many words. Well, wouldn't you know it? The DNC got pissed and stripped all the states' delegates from the field. This means that Florida and Michigan will have no say when the delegates officially vote for the nomination of Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama in August at the Democratic Convention in Denver.

Now no one thought anything of this months ago when the primary season opened. All the candidates conceded this and agreed not to campaign in the state of Florida. Well, when the newly-moved-up primaries in both states happened on January 15th (Michigan) and January 29th (Florida) voters turned out and voted. But you might be asking yourself, who did they vote for and if their votes weren't going to count then why bother? Well, I'd like to give those citizens the benefit of the doubt and think that they felt it was their civic duty to vote. That's honorable and commendable and all but who could they vote for if no one campaigned in Florida and everyone knew the states, in simple terms, weren't going to count?

Well, wouldn't you know it, Hillary Clinton was on both ballots. All other candidates agreed not to even put their name on the ballot in Michigan (so you could either vote for Clinton or "uncommitted"). And in Florida, Obama and John Edwards were on the ballot but neither had campaigned there just like every other Democratic nominee including Hillary Clinton. So in essence no one really tried in either state as they agreed to and abided by the the DNC's penalty that neither state would get to seat delegates. Well, almost.

Hillary Clinton, in theory, played by the rules. Although it was kind of a dick move on her part to keep her name on the ballot in Michigan while everyone else made a respectful gesture to remove theirs. And no one really paid too much attention to this little hiccup until Obama started to gain ground on the once thought presumptive nominee Hillary Clinton. Until he swept the entire month of February which included 11 straight victories. Until he carved so deep into her lead in Ohio that she only picked up nine delegates out of the 139 available. Until he carved so deep into her lead in Texas that he, after a week's worth of counting, beat her in Texas in delegates by a 99-94 margin. Hillary claimed victory but the fact of the matter, and what really counts in the primary race, is delegate count and she lost it in Texas despite her campaign's spin. (She won the primary but lost the caucus. I won't try and explain the "Texas Two-Step" here. Look it up yourself - it's retarded.)

So after all this happened and Barack Obama overtook Hillary Clinton in the popular vote lead, the states won lead, and most importantly, the delegate lead, now Senator Clinton thinks Michigan and Florida should count. As is, she says. As is, we ask? How can that be?

No one campaigned in Florida and only Clinton was on the ballot in Michigan. How can those states all of a sudden count?

Well, there's a bit of conflict on this. If we were completely steadfast in our rules they shouldn't count. Hillary should be stuck in her deficit and hope she can win over 65% of the remaining delegates that she would need to overtake Obama in the pledged delegate count. (I won't even get into Superdelegates which Clinton currently leads but only 243-209.)

But I'm not so absolutist. I'm not so cold inside that I can't understand that the voters of Michigan and Florida feel disenfranchised and bitter. After all, it wasn't their fault that their legislatures screwed them over. The voters didn't decide to move up the primaries and risk being penalized. So why make the voters feel the wrath of the penalty? Their voices aren't being heard and that's the biggest crime here.

Here's what we do. We redo both primaries sometime in May. But this time both state governments pay for the elections. $10 million you say it'll cost in Florida? Oh well, you screwed yourself over Florida government. Find a way to pay for it. Oh, and you can't use taxpayer money. Whether it comes out of your own pockets or you have a bake sale, I don't care. Let the people's voices be heard and don't penalize the ones that weren't responsible for the mishap in the first place.

I know it's not as simple as just that. Money doesn't just come from thin air and I'm not an economic genius. But I am positive that overpaid politicians and state Democratic Party officials can find a way to make this happen. Hell, so many of them probably have corporate ties and lobbyists in their pockets that they can take all that dirty money and put it good use. Turn off the lights to all state buildings for one hour every night for a few weeks. That's got to save some money, right? And it'd be good for the environment - a Democratic staple!

The point is the people need to be heard. To let some dumbass kingpins of the party and the state government F it up for everyone else and then refuse to fund a redo themselves is preposterous. No matter how the people vote their voices must be heard. That's what democracy is all about, is it not?

Would this change the outcome of the election? Who knows. But it would make it right. And right now that's what the Democratic party needs as this contest drags on. And in the end, that's what America needs.

(Ok, this column was too serious. Insert fart joke here. Thank you.)

Target May Have to Change Its Name

2008-03-12T14:02:00.003-08:00

Yea, it's been awhile. I apologize. I've been caught up in some madness, some of it March related (yes, that is a college basketball reference). I've brought my services to CBS for the big college basketball tournament this time around which means I will be on the east coast through the first week of April. I know this makes my Los Angeles contingent very sad yet hopeful since it's now less than a month before I return to home base.

But until then I need to keep CPunchworld alive and kickin'. Here's a little something that was brought to my attention by a friend local to the story. I'll link to the news story right here so you know it's true (yea, it's that ridiculous) but I'll summarize here nicely for you kind readers.

Let me Rembrandt this for you in a very "Vantage Point" kind of way...

3:25 PM - Imagine you have a young daughter, let's she's three years old. And you're walking around your local Target perhaps shopping for household items or some electronics or maybe your daughter really wants this new toy or doll and you are feeling generous so you've taken her to get it. Everything's going swimmingly.

Then, out of nowhere, BAM! You've got knucklechildren all over you and your toddler. You are grossed out and yet so surprised by what's happened you have no idea what to do.

(Crazy reverse video montage with swirling music and then fade to black...)

3:25 PM - Imagine you are a guy in your late 20's. You head into Target to check out the latest DVD's. Suddenly you feel a strange urge. A sexual urge! You don't know what to do about and resort to your instincts. And since you're a sleazeball you decide masturbating in the middle of an aisle in Target is the best decision.

You're going at it vigorously presumably looking at the middle aged model on a vacuum cleaner box as "inspiration." Then all of a sudden a young woman and her daughter come strolling right into your landing zone and SPLASH! You've scarred a 3-year-old for life.

Now...

How about that? Does this story sound believable? Well it's damn true and damn disgusting. However, after you've been disgusted and feel bad for the mother and daughter you can't help but laugh your ass off at the complete absurdity of the situation.

When have you ever heard of something like this? Bums peeing on subway cars in New York? Yea, we've heard of that. Bums picking their nose and flinging said booger near your feet on the street corner? Yup, that too. I guess what I'm trying to say is, we accept that the homeless and disoriented will completely gross out the general public with bodily functions and overall disgusting habits. We accept this as normal even if it's completely disturbing.

But when a seemingly normal member of society takes part in one of these kinds of acts it's abominable. Why is that? Why do we automatically assume that just because someone has the capability to shave or to wear clean clothes and afford a cell phone that they don't possess ridiculously neanderthalistic qualities? Some people are just freakin' gross, man. That's what it is. And this guy, whoever the hell he is, is just plain gross.

The dude not only was whackin' it in public but in the middle of a retail store...during store hours...out on the sales floor (and not in the bathroom)...and ended up spurting all over a 3-year-old. I imagine that little girl was going to eventually have that experience in her life but ya know, maybe not till college and on her terms.

The authorities say the charges against the suspect will be "harassment and second-degree criminal mischief" and that "more serious charges may follow if evidence recovered from the crime scene reveals the suspect has a sexually transmitted disease."

(!?!?!?!)

Can you imagine if this guy had herpes? A study just came out that said one in four teen girls has a sexually transmitted disease. Now, I know girls might be more promiscuous these days and that this girl is only three but hey, don't rule out any way of getting VD now. I'm not sayin'; I'm just sayin'.

Harassment and second-degree criminal mischief. I hate these vague all-encompassing crime labels. Why not have a court of common sense try this guy? I'm pretty sure it'd be a swift trial and I'll bet anything the punishment is more appropriate. Here's how it would probably go:

Judge: Prosecutor, please state your case.
Prosecutor: Judge, this man masturbated and ejaculated on an innocent bystander and her 3-year-old daughter in the middle of a Target shopping store. I mean, come on!
Judge: Defense, your rebuttal?
Defense: Um, my client is very sorry.
Prosecutor: Judge, the guy jacked off on a 3-year-old!!
Defense: Yea...
Judge: Ok, I've made my decision. Young man, you are disgusting. As a punishment I am mandating that three very ugly women masturbate and ejaculate on you. And trust me, they'll be squirters.

Case closed, baby. The truth may be disgusting but sometimes you have to call it like you see it. And I've always believed in an eye for an eye. And in this case, well, you get the idea.

Showdown In Austin - The Running Diary

2008-02-23T12:34:00.004-08:00

So about three months ago I did a running diary of a Republican debate. This was when there was still eight candidates in it. It proved to be pretty hilarious and I suggested I might do the same for the Democratic side. Turns out some people asked that I do it so I give the people what they want.

Now for reasons I can’t really think of (probably just forgot) I hadn’t decided to do this until Thursday night.

There are only two candidates left: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Obama has won 11 straight primaries/caucuses and even Bill Clinton has said if Hillary doesn’t win both Texas and Ohio on March 4th she should withdraw from the campaign.

So, with that in mind I dusted off the laptop and got right to it. Here’s how it went down:

8:00pm - CNN....HD!!! And we’re off. Campbell Brown loves polka dots. I’m not gonna lie, she’s one of the hottest news women I’ve seen in a long time. Tremendous work outta her.

8:01pm - Univision’s Jorge Ramos is a little camera shy. Come on out big guy!

8:03pm - Here come the candidates. Big cheer for Hillary. Can’t tell if the applause that continues is for Barack or a continuation of Hillary.

8:07pm - Yay photo opps. with local media! The president of the University of Texas (which is hosting the event) is taking a long time with Clinton. Either he thinks she’s the best candidate or he really loves pant suits.

8:09pm - Ok, Obama won the coin toss so he defers to the 2nd half in the game of Opening Statements. Senator Clinton, pander away!

8:13pm - Alright Hillary, you said exactly what you had to. Status quo is fun. Texas is great, bla bla. Ok, Barack, how can you equal that?

8:15pm - Barack gets right to the economy while Hillary stares without blinking at him. “She’s pulling you in with her tractor beam!”

8:16pm - Man, first punch thrown by Barack about NAFTA sucking balls. Hillary tries to kill him with her smug stare. I think her cheeks are plastic. They’re freakish.

8:18pm - George Lopez sighting! America’s Mexican!

8:19pm - First question is from Jorge Ramos - would you meet with Raul Castro presuming he takes over Cuba? Clinton would meet with Castro if “Cuba was ready.” What a political answer.

8:21pm - Same question to Obama. Applause for Barack as he states that “we have to talk to our friends and enemies.” Essentially says the same thing but somehow he gets a better response than Hillary.

8:23pm - Campbell questions Obama and he is forced to correct her accusation. This would be a theme of the evening. Maybe CNN is annoyed that Clinton supporters think the media isn’t scrutinizing Obama enough. It’s hard to scrutinize someone who keeps winning.

8:24pm - Clinton takes credit for wanting to start relations with Iran first. She seems to be trying to state what she’s done. Which, ohbytheway, hasn’t worked at all this campaign.

8:25pm - Clinton realizes she’s just repeating what Obama just said so she uses the “Bush sucks” card. Big applause. When in doubt, bash on Bush. I wonder if people use that in other areas of life. A doctor botches a surgery and when explaining to the enraged family decides to attack Bush to deflect the real point.

8:26pm - Obama bounces back by saying the president can’t be arrogant and think he knows what’s best for America. That he needs to listen. The crowd applauds but shouldn’t that be a basic characteristic of a president? Kind of sad that it has to be said.

8:28pm - Obama says we need to repeal Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthy. Crowd likes it. “Trade shouldn’t be viewed through Wall St. but by Main St.” Wow, Barack was gracious and would like Hillary to comment. He realized he was going long and told the moderators he wanted Hillary to be able to respond. That’s the kind of civility and maturity you don’t get from Clinton. At least in public.

8:31pm - Hillary: I agree with what Barack just said.

8:33pm - Hillary is starting to shout and get a little pissed. She’s full of piss and vinegar!

8:34pm - Campbell Brown tries to cut Hillary off as she plays the Bush Card again. Hillary panders to the University of Texas. When in doubt say nice things about those around you.

8:35pm - Hillary hates when kids go home to houses without parents because the INS has taken them away. This is a big bullet point on her immigration reform. She wants to reform Immigration within 100 days of he being in office. Noble point.

8:37pm - Obama says immigration reform bill he tried to pass got tossed around like a “political football.” “We are a nation of laws and a nation of immigrants. Both should be reconciled.” Obama is on a mission to nail home every single detail of his Immigration Reform. Hmmm. Not so much from Hillary’s speech. She spoke more so in vagaries.

8:40pm - John King brings up the border fence issue. Controversy! Oo, I’m so giddy.

8:42pm - Hillary namedrops and calls Bush stupid. Way to walk on the edge! Hillary does make a good point on the border fence splitting a university in two. That is ridiculous. This fence thing is a tough issue.

8:43pm - Hillary contradicts herself by saying a fence isn’t necessary in a wide open space like Arizona’s desert and we should have a bunch of guards patrolling all that space. Uh, don’t we call those guys the “Minutemen”? They’re kind of batshit.

8:45pm - A nice closeup of Hillary nodding in agreement with Obama. She’s been losing the crowd and being shown smiling and agreeing with Barack on a controversial topic like this isn’t good for her national image. At least in how she’s trying to contrast herself from him.

8:46pm - Obama says we need to let children born to illegals who grew up in America stay and that we need to help them get an education and that they should not be punished for basically growing up as “proper” Americans. “We shouldn’t have two classes in America.” Clearly the very Hispanic crowd in Austin loves this.

8:48pm - Clinton says we should all be bilingual but English should be the common unified language. A fair statement that I think most would agree is the wisest compromise.

8:49pm - Obama says every student should be made to learn a second language. Barack makes a good point that the global landscape is getting smaller and everyone needs to understand everyone else and that includes learning other languages. ESL shouldn’t be the only class in schools. It goes both ways. Yet another instance in which he and Hillary share a viewpoint but he expands on it more so that the audience better understands it.

8:50pm - We hit our first commercial break just about 50 minutes in. The crowd seemed to be slightly in favor of Clinton but Obama has expanded upon a lot of Hillary’s cheered topics of discussion with applause. It’s probably an even crowd at this point.

8:54pm - John King pulling out the punches on Hillary saying she offers solutions vs. Barack’s speeches. He wants her to explain how she’s better qualified which is what she’s been implying.

8:55pm - She deflects the question by bashing Bush again. She goes on about her history and experience. I realize you’re both vying for an important job here, but a regular job interview type approach where you rattle off your experience isn’t going to get it done.

8:56pm - Barack counters by showing off his accomplishments. Crowd loves it when he mentions he helped the Walter Reed vets. For some reason he does what Hillary does and lists is resume but for some reason the crowd likes it more. I think it’s because he lists very specific things he’s done that more closely effect the people of Texas.

8:57pm - Question posed to Barack challenged his message of hope. Obama throws up the scoreboard to show his supporters aren’t dillusional. They know who they’re supporting and what he can bring to the table. Crowd loves it. Huge applause as Barack takes off the gloves. Long applause - probably the longest of the evening so far.

9:00pm - Obama has to defend his speeches on the implication that he plagarizes. Crowd loves his defense. All Hillary can do is smile. Obama pats himself on the back for his speeches. Crowd has a laugh. Barack starts talking about his specific plan to fix the tax code and making college cheaper and getting out of Iraq.

9:02pm - Hillary says Obama copied entire paragraphs of speeches. She tries to be clever by saying, “words that aren’t your own aren’t words you can count on - they’re words you can Xerox.” Barack interjects as if to say “that is uncalled for” and the crowd boos. Calls Barack “you” in a scolding way. This might start to get ugly. I think Hillary feels like it’s slipping away and is pulling out all the stops to try and stop the slide.

9:05pm - Barack talks about all the details of both health plans to correct the vaguery Hillary is producing. Crowd likes his take on healthcare reform. Barack gives credit to Hillary for trying to reform healthcare in 1993. This is a heated issue where they clearly disagree on how to get every American healthcare though their plans are 90% similar.

9:09pm - Hillary is pissed that she can’t retaliate because Campbell Brown sends it to commercial. Kudos to Barack to not even acknowledge the ridiculous claim that Barack stole parts of his speeches. Uh, both of you have speech writers. Get over it, lady.

9:13pm - Hillary ignores Jorge Ramos’s question about being ready to be president and responds to Barack’s healthcare talk. The moderators seem annoyed.

9:15pm - Obama gets to retort quickly. Explains why Hillary’s plan is wrong...again. Now both are just repeating what they’ve already said about their health plans.

9:16pm - Hillary almost jumps out of her seat to retort. She’s pissed.

9:17pm - Obama, annoyed that Hillary keeps insisting on this, says he’s not interested in leaving people out. He is forced to re-explain how his plan differs from Clinton’s but that if people are responsible they will not be in a bad situation as Hillary claims many people would definitely been in no matter what.

9:18pm - Jorge Ramos gets to re-ask his question about Hillary implying on the campaign trail that Barack is not ready to be president and that she is.

9:19pm - Hillary rattles off her resume about dealing with other countries. Does not address Obama. Just says how ready she is. What a p*ssy. Answer the question. If you can call him out on the road but not to his face then you have a problem. Strap one on, Hill.

9:20pm - Barack talks about using the military wisely and how he said no to the war in Iraq from day one where Clinton has not. That he has used presidential judgement. Crowd digs it.

9:23pm - John King: is Iraq better off due to the surge?

9:24pm - Hillary says logically having more troops will subdue violence but politically not much has happened. Says she wants to withdraw troops within 60 days of taking office(!). I don’t remember if I’ve heard that from her before but that is freakin’ quick. I highly doubt that’s feasible to do. Sounds more like a soundbyte than a practical application of judgement.

9:26pm - Obama agrees that the logic of having more troops in Iraq will deter violence but maintains the surge still was a bad idea because it was a strategic blunder. Barack says arguing John McCain on this front will be easy. Crowd applauds Barack wanting to get mental health benefits for veterans. Once again he agrees with Clinton but expands on the issue citing specifics. Hillary just isn’t doing that and the crowd loves Obama for it.

9:28pm - Well, it’s been 90 minutes and according to Campbell Brown, “we have a lot more left.” Interesting. Obama leads us into the break shitting on John McCain for agreeing with and wanting to continue Bush’s failed economic policy. Crowd really digs it.

9:31pm - John King wants to know where all his earmarks come go and accuses Obama of not disclosing this (he’s gotten $91 million from Congress for this, she’s gotten over $300 million, granted it’s Illinois vs. New York) [Earmarks are money designated for special projects across the country. What that district’s Senator and/or Congressman do with that money is sometimes unknown publicly.]

9:32pm - Obama says he’d gladly show everyone where the earmarks went. He wants full transparency.

9:34pm - Does John McCain have an advantage of not having pork-barrell spending [getting a ton of earmarks from Congress for your region and spending it friviously].

9:35pm - Hillary says no and makes a good point by saying he’s supported the tax cuts for the rich and poor military spending for Iraq. Claims she will get us back to fiscal responsibility.

9:36pm - Jorge quotes Nancy Pelosi: “It would be wrong for the superdelegates to not vote along with the popular vote when it comes to determining the Democratic nominee.” What does Hillary think?

9:37pm - Clinton says she’s not worried about it and that there will be a unified Dem. party and that they’ll win. She basically deflects the question knowing full well she’s been petitioning the superdelegates for the past 4 weeks to vote “however they feel”. This is in stark contrast to Obama and his supporters and organizations like moveon.org.

9:37pm - Barack says the will of the voters should be respected. What else is all this hard work and campaigning for, what was the point of the people making their voices heard? Crowd digs it.

9:38pm - Campbell: what was the moment that tested your judgement in a moment of crisis?

9:39pm - Barack says the American people deserve a president that respects them and their generosity. He focuses on a two-way street with government and its people - a very old-school and Constitutional philosophy that has been long since forgotten with the recent years/decades of corruption.

9:40pm - Hillary jokes about Bill and Monica as a “crisis.” The crowd softly chuckles at the tired joke. Uh oh, it sounds like Hillary is trying to force tears. Her voice is trembling a little bit. This is so fake. Says her crises are nothing compared to that of regular Americans, which is probably true. Crowd applauds. Hillary drops a “hope” in her rhetoric. Clinton appreciates that she is at this stage with Barack. Obama extends his hand to shake. A warm friendly ending! Yay, all fuzzy inside.

There you have it. The second to last Democratic debate and number 19 in total.

For the most part the debate centered around Hillary not wanting to force the issue too much and she ended up doing the same thing she’s been doing for four weeks (which hasn’t worked) in that she lists her accomplishments.

On the other side, since the New Hampshire debate which Hillary dominated, Barack has become the more presidential looking figure. He responds maturely, articulately, and always seems to say more. He’s got more substance even when he agrees with Clinton. This is huge because for the past month Hillary has been accusing Obama of not having any real experience and being all about rhetoric.

Well, he proved tonight (again, and on another national stage) that he has plenty of substance. When you elaborate on everything your opponent says, even when you agree with them, it sends a message to the people that you know what you’re talking about better than your opponent.

This has got to be a source of concern for Hillary. Throughout the debate you could tell that she felt the chokehold getting tighter as Obama won over the crowd on almost every issue. It was only at the very end when she seemingly opened up and became real while talking about veterans she met with months back that she gained points with the crowd. In this writer’s opinion, the trembling and the glassy eyes were not very sincere. When she teared up in New Hampshire, that looked real. Thursday night I felt she was forcing it.

No one can say that she is not a passionate person. But how is it possible that she could not be herself (which is passionate and connecting) all this time in between New Hampshire and Texas? She’s been a divisive Ice-Queen for the most part and now on two occasions she lets down the guard and is able to achieve the same connectivity that Barack gets every time he steps into a room. The problem for me is, this time didn’t seem as authentic. The way she spoke seemed like she was passionate about the situation (who doesn’t feel for our veterans coming home, some injured) but that she knew she had to overdue it a touch to score some late points in the debate.

It’s sad that’s it come to this for her. Her campaign has been run so poorly that she is forced into acting (albeit quite well judging by the crowd’s response) like she cares a little bit more than she does.

As for who won? Well, if you look at the whole debate Obama substantively got the better of her as he has been doing now for some time. But that emotional ending for Hillary probably made the debate seem like a wash to most voters. Unfortunately, with a statistical dead heat on our hands in Texas, a wash wasn’t going to be good enough for her. She needed to win the debate convincingly and needs to win both Texas and Ohio convincingly to stay in the race.

March 4th is going to be an interesting day in politics. Stay tuned.

Valentines Love For the CPunchworld

2008-02-14T09:56:00.006-08:00

So it's Thursday. Why do I have that something's-crawling-up-my-skin feeling? I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Oh right, it's Pitchers & Catchers Day!! That's right, pitchers and catchers report to spring training to start the very long Major League Baseball season. I wonder if Andy Pettitte will show up after admitting to using human growth hormones more than he originally stated! Maybe this will take some of the spotlight off of Roger Clemens, who, for my money, is as guilty as that cop who flipped over the paraplegic out of the wheelchair. "What? I thought it was fake HGH and wanted to prove a point." Suuure Rog, and Britney is mentally stable.

Wait, that's not it. What am I missing though? Roger Clemens' (accused) steroid and HGH use are pretty creepy and makes me lose some faith in baseball but that's not it. Uh oh...oh god, no.

Valentine's Day!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I'm going to guess the majority of us hate this holiday even if we follow the status quo (if we are, in fact, coupled up) and do the normal V-Day thing. (I wonder if February 15th is VD-Day. Would make sense.) You're "supposed" to go out to dinner and do something romantic for your girlfriend - usually something creative though. Because "everyone's" done the cheesy traditional flowers and candy thing to death. However, there's inevitably that year out of nowhere where she'll want the cheesy traditional V-Day and you're like WTF and she's like OMG. Christ, I think I've been hanging out on AOL's homepage for too long.

The point is, Valentine's Day, in this humble writer's opinion, is nothing more than an excuse to buy more crap no one needs including allergy inducing flowers and diabetes blocks known as chocolates. F**kin' Russel Stovers.

Being that I'm on an extended, uh, vacation we'll call it, I've no Valentine of my own (to which I'm not overly upset). Therefore I've decided to devote my full attention to something V-Day related from our highest love institution in America: MySpace.

I received a bulletin (if you don't know what this is, be glad) in which lied a survey. Survey bulletins have been all the rage on MySpace since its inception and I cannot deny that I have partaken in my fair share. I can honestly say I have not filled one out in a couple years now though so I have made peace with myself. This does not stop my friends from receiving and reposting survey bulletins though. And this is fine - they can do whatever makes them happy.

I rarely read any bulletins. The ones I do read are usually ones from closer friends and ones that generally seem like they could be interesting. My friend Alan posted a survey bulletin in which the title had to do with Valentine's Day. Knowing Alan as I do, I knew this had to be a short comedy piece. I was right. But this got me thinking. Why not repost this Valnetine's Day survey on my website? Why not answer the questions in that CPunch way? Well, I've thought it over and decided that doing so is so the bee's knees. Yea, that's right - I went there.

Without further ado, my 2008 Valentine's Day survey.

1. Are you single?
According to all known government agencies, yes. According to any supremely hot girls, yes. According to girls I find extremely annoying, no.

2. Chocolate or flowers?
How about doing a little research and finding out if she even likes either? Maybe she doesn't want that normal stuff. Maybe she's on a 3-month bender and wants a gram of Colombia's finest and a "fotey O-Z" of Schlitz. Who knows. Either way, make sure it screams [insert your girlfriend's name here].

3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day?
Does masterbate vigorously count? Ewww, I'm sorry. That joke was in poor taste. And I would know something about poor taste when it comes to masterbating. Oh god, I've...I've gotta...hey, look over there! Yoink!!

4.Do you like anyone?
I like tons of people! Do you mean do I like-like anyone? Because then I'd have to say yes. If I said no would you believe me? You'd either call me a liar or a homosexual. And though I am fond of the gays, I am not fond-fond of the gays.

6. What would be your dream Valentines date?
Whatever made my lady wet and got me some sweet action. What? I'm talking about water skiing. You people are sick.

7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines?
Now? I don't know. When I was in 4th grade, you better believe it. I Valentined the shit outta every girl in my class. They knew what was up.

8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
If they were secret how would I know about them? God, what a stupid question. Now, when it comes to unknown admirers I'm the mad note. I'm like Dick Tracy when it comes to finding them out. Hmm, maybe a dick joke was too easy.

9. Would you ever write someone a love letter?
If any guy says they haven't already done so in their lives they're lying. Unless they have major father issues and are completely emotionally repressed. That's not really supposed to be funny but hey, what are you gonna do? I'm pretty sure I wrote really sappy, really cliched letters to a girl or two when i was like 13 or 14. Maybe even younger. Nowadays finding the G-spot is just as relevant.

10. Do you believe in Cupid?
If he exists he's in prison somewhere. Shooting people with arrows, albeit love arrows, has got to be some sort of felony.

11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentines Day?
My mother does. Why, I have no idea. I thought Valentine's Day was supposed to be about relationship love, not family love. Two years ago she sent me a giant heart shaped pez dispenser that you can record a message into. Motherly cute? Maybe. Awkward and embarrasisng when opened in front of your male roommate? Un poquito.

12. Do you still send out Valentines cards?
Negatory. I do send out "Will you sleep me with out of pity and/or boredom? Check: yes, no, maybe." cards though.

15. Is Valentines Day depressing?
Only if I've run out of Jergens, Bounty, or both. And even still I'd just improvise with spit and my roommate's pillowcase...

16. How do you feel about PDA?
I don't need one - I have an iPhone.

17. How is your love life?
Why don't you ask the half dozen girl friends of mine that I'd like to sleep with that one! No seriously, that'd help me out a lot.

18. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines?
No. In fact, I've managed to stay girlfriend-free for all but one Valentines Day. It's like my offseason. If you can avoid Christmas and V-Day you save at least $500. I'm telling you, how do you think I can afford all those faberge eggs I have?

19. How many roses would you want?
Three. One long-stem and two short-stem. Hehehehehehe - I'm sentimental like that.

20. Will you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend next Valentines?
According to my schedule, no. But hey, if one of those half dozen girls you're supposed to question is feeling unloved I'm sure I can fill that listless void.

Ah, good times. Jokes are fun. But if I had to be serious for a moment I'd say this. Valentines Day is a forced holiday. Nevertheless, both parties are going to want to feel special in the eyes of their boyfriend/girlfriend so let's not keep this a completely female centric holiday. Guys like feeling loved too.

Here's the thing though. Screw the capitalism of it. There is no reason to spend X amount of dollars on this, that or the other just because you feel obligated or think that's what he/she wants. Ladies, you know your guys. Do something simple that shows you actually pay attention to his inane ramblings about wanting the ESPN Full Court cable package or tickets to see the live stage interpretation of "Point Break". It's as easy as that.

Now fellas, I do not intend to sound like I know what I'm talking about. I'm just saying what makes sense to me. If I were you, this is what I would do and keep in mind I do not know your girlfriend. The easiest thing you can do is listen to her. I know, I know. What a drag, right? How many times can you fake agree with her that Betsy Johnson makes the best shoes? Here's the deal. Actually make the effort for like a month or so leading up to V-Day. When you do that you'll uncover some gems about what to do on the 14th.

It's all about the Little Things, is it not? Because to both parties, though girls especially, knowing the Little Things means you're really listening to her and that's probably the biggest thing girls stress with guys. If I'm wrong about this I'll shut up right now. But as far as I can tell, if you realize the Little Things (that ironically are capitalized) you will think of the perfect way to show her you, in fact, do love her more than the wannabe model working at the Gap that always gives you the eye. If she's into spontaneity maybe tell her you're going to some run of the mill restaurant and then take her to her favorite beach with a bottle of wine and some tortellini carbonara (that she loves) that you figured out how to make. Simple right?

The thing is though, what I don't understand is, shouldn't all this stuff be normal anyway? The listening and the spontaneous trips and the cooked meals and the tickets to bad movies turned musicals and all the Little Things. Shouldn't this stuff, in theory, be done everyday you're together? Call me a sap but I mean, am I wrong here? Aren't the healthiest relationships the ones that even amidst all the modern day hustle and bustle find ways to do this stuff on a regular basis?

Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic that knows all the right things. But then again I'll be loving myself tonight. Just me and Jack Daniels gettin' all kinds of freaky naughty. Enjoy YOUR Valentines Day however you spend it.

The Newest Testament

2008-02-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

Everyone, I have some great news - anything is possible.

Yup, I am a firm believer now that anyone, no matter what, can do anything. Miracles are possible. I was never really sure before if stuff like this could happen but after what transpired over the last six weeks and culminated Sunday night, I am born again. I see now. It all makes sense. You could call it a religious awakening(although I am still firmly nonreligious)!

Maybe this new found respect for the unbelievable-coming-to-pass only applies to a
small realm of reality but I want to believe that its scope is much larger. I need to know that its scope is much larger. It would make me a better person, I feel, if I knew that this new found sense of possibility was universal. That this applies to everyone in every way of life under any circumstance. Anyone can get what they want and accomplish what they set out to accomplish. Maybe this was always the case and this Natural Law never really reared its head until now. Maybe it has before but only does so every 75 years like Halley's Comet. I don't know.

Maybe I'm not supposed to know. The world is a complex place and it's hard for any one of us to understand how things work. Karma? Maybe. Evolution alone? Maybe. Complete and total randomness? Probably not. This is why certain people believe in some kind of religion. It's generally agreed (amongst learned people) that science is the answer to "how" and religion is then, therefore, considered to possibly be the answer to "why." This is fair. When something unimaginable happens, say, like someone walking again after being paralyzed (i.e. Kevin Everett of the Buffalo Bills) or a man falling 47 stories and surviving, we cannot grasp the end result through reasoning or logic. This is where religious people attach the "miracle" tag or that their god willed the event to result the way it did. This situation? I don't know what to think. Like I said, I'm not a religious person so I'm searching for what could possibly explain this phenomenon.

You're probably asking yourself, "what are you referring to?!" I'm sorry, I felt I should get the major theme of this article out in the open first before I delve into specifics. The event to which I'm referring, if you couldn't already tell, is the rise to glory of the 2007 New York Giants.

Now, many of you (mostly Giants fans) are going to immediately roll your eyes and call me a bitter Patriots fan. I want to first denounce both those claims. For one, I'm not bitter. The system we have in football to decide a champion has been in place for over 80 years (more or less) and it's worked out fine so far. I trust the system and I am not arguing that by this system the Giants aren't the 2007 Champions - they are. Secondly, I am not a Patriots fan so their loss doesn't bother me past the small wish that it would have been fun to see New England make history. Any time something of that magnitude happens in your lifetime it's a special moment. The Miracle on Ice in 1980. The 1972 Miami Dolphins. The 2004 Boston Red Sox. Wilt Chamberlin's 100 point game. There are countless spectacles in sports that regardless of your affiliation are just tremendously entertaining to see. I am a fan of that.

I'm not going to deny that I am not a fan of the Giants. I am not going to deny that I am a fan of one of their biggest rivals. In fact, I'm happy for my friends that like the Giants that truly appreciate this championship. It pains me to see the Giants do better than my team but sports are sports and this kind of stuff happens all the time. It wasn't the first time my team did worse than its rival and it won't be the last. That doesn't bother me. I can honestly say that while I don't like seeing my favorite team's rivals succeed I do not disagree that in said instances those rivals accomplished greater feats than my favorite teams and therefore, in the context of and by the rules of said sport, are the better team. These are facts and I live in a real world. I don't live my life in denial and I don't pout and make excuses when my team has been honestly beaten. All you can do is tip your cap to the better team. You'll get back at them one day. This is all you can do.

This 2007 NFL season was an incredible one. The Dolphins almost went winless while the Patriots became only the second team in history to go undefeated in the regular season while obliterating everyone they played. Records were set and there were fantastic finishes (Dallas over Buffalo and Green Bay over Denver come to mind). But the last six weeks really puzzled me. In fact, they still do.

Here's the long and short of it. For the New York Giants, the road to the NFL Championship started in week 17 against, oddly enough, the New England Patriots. The Giants didn't win the game but gave Goliath all it could handle. This threw me, and many others, for a loop because there had been little evidence prior to this game that the Giants could give the Pats any problems. Somehow the Giants found a way and nearly toppled the New England juggernaut.

Next was the Wildcard Playoff game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This game proved to be a fairly even game however most Giants fans, check that, reasonable Giants fans would agree that they didn't give themselves much of a chance against the Bucs. Personally, I wasn't surprised New York won as Tampa Bay was fairly overrated. After all, they played in a very weak division and really had no offensive threats.

Following this was a third meeting with the hated Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys beat the Giants in both meetings in the regular season and scored a total of 76 points against the G-men. New York, even with its stout defensive line, didn't challenge Dallas all that much in either contest despite scoring 35 points in the first game. The Cowboys won the division with a 13-3 record tying a franchise record. The problem for Dallas was that they hadn't won a playoff game in 11 years. Well, they found a way to keep the that streak alive. The Giants won again, this time in Dallas, astoundingly, and moved on to the NFC Championship game.

Many assumed it would be Packers/Cowboys in this game. The Packers had been hot all season - never showing any chinks in the armor and getting better as each game passed. Even for a Cowboys fan, a Giants/Packers NFC Championship game seemed like an overmatch. Even after the previous week's victory most people did not give the Giants much of a chance to go into frigid (it was -1 degree without wind chill at kickoff) Lambeau Field and win. Even though Dallas had clinched homefield advantage throughout the playoffs and beat the Packers in Week 10, many people still considered the Packers to be the best team in NFC. Even Giants fans understood this. Yet, for the second week in a row the Giants opposition found a way to lose. Brett Favre wasn't himself and ended up throwing the game-deciding interception in overtime that led to New York's gamewinning field goal. Now the Giants had found themselves in the Super Bowl against the then 18-0 New England Patriots.

Immediately following the Giants win over Green Bay, Las Vegas made the Super Bowl spread: 13.5 points. Eventually the line fell to 11.5 as video surfaced of all-world quarterback, Tom Brady, in a soft cast on his right ankle. Still, the line for the meeting between the supposed two best teams in the league was 11.5. If you know nothing about gambling, that is a huge line for any NFL game let alone a Super Bowl. That means that Las Vegas was saying that the Patriots should win by at least 11 points. And remember, there is a reason Vegas makes money.

What happens? The Patriots offense doesn't play the way they had all season until their final drive and ultimately this cost them the game. The Giants defensive line played great just as they had all season but you can't win championships with just good defensive line play. Unfortunately, the Giants offense didn't play so well. They played as well as the Patriots' which in and of itself is a bit strange. But they didn't do much to win the game. So how did the Giants escape Glendale, Arizona with a championship and monumental upset over, what we debated to be, the greatest team of all time in the New England Patriots?

Well, that's what I've been wondering for 24 hours now. How did this happen? By any sort of logic or statistical reasoning the Giants had no business even making it past the Cowboys let alone winning the Super Bowl. So how'd they do it? I understand that games aren't played on paper. If they were Georgetown would have beaten Villanova in 1985. The Colts would have beaten the Jets in 1969. The Yankees would have beaten the Marlins in 2003. And the Soviet Union would have beaten team USA in the semifinals of the 1980 Olympics. But we don't play games on paper or, as we generally do now in the 21st century, in video game simulations. No, that's the beauty of sports. The underdog always has a shot and I do love a good underdog story. Who doesn't? It's a very American thing. Rooting for the little guy. Hell, if the Giants weren't in the Super Bowl I would have had a tough time picking between watching an underdog win vs. watching history in the making. I would have probably just rooted for a good game.

But I'm puzzled. I'm puzzled because through 16 rounds of play, through 16 games, a full regular season where the cream always rises to the top, the New York football Giants were barely treading water in the sea of mediocrity. They finished with a 10-6 record, just one game above .500. They lost both games to Dallas, got ripped apart by the Packers by 20 points, got murdered by a decent Minnesota team at home, and only beat lowly Miami, Chicago, Philadelphia, and Detroit by an average of four points. Not what you would call an impressive resume. Not only that but the Giants quarterback, Eli Manning, finished the season by throwing 23 touchdowns and 20 interceptions (not a good ratio at all) with a 73.9 quarterback rating (above 90 is considered good).

Statistically Eli Manning played better last year and virtually no one, even through this regular season, has been terribly impressed with anything he's done. When he plays well it's very sporadic. He's been consistently inconsistent not unlike my golf game (that's another story). What did Eli do this postseason though? He threw six touchdowns and only one interception and that was in the Super Bowl and wasn't even his fault. His quarterback rating was 95.7 for the playoffs.

Now you are starting to see why I'm so confused. Eli's career quarterback rating is 73.4, five tenths of a point lower than what he put out this year. And then all of a sudden in January he manages to play 22 points better than that? Did I miss something?

I'm not the only one questioning what happened over the past six weeks. Even the experts agree something peculiar happened. ESPN.com said, "The Giants are good, but they also conjured magic." No one's questioning their Super Bowl win. It happened. It's just a little hard to figure out how and why.

Some might say that the Giants changed defenses in the middle of the season and that's what brought about their turnaround. Well, that was in Week 3. They still played mediocre football after those first two losses. The Giants defensive coordinator, I'd say, deserves the vast, vast, vaaaast majority of the credit for the improbable run. His blitz schemes worked well. But even with a great defensive front you can't win. You need more than that. You need an offense and you need some luck.

Here's how I desribe the offense of New York. When talking with Giants fans over the last few weeks during this run (and let's keep in mind a couple of these fans are the generic obnoxious New York fans you all know about) the defense of New York's offense was this, "Yea well, Eli's not making any mistakes." So basically what you're telling me here is you're satisfied that your quarterback, your leader, your captain is doing just enough to not lose the game himself. That's what you just told me. Well...I suppose you add that and an above average (but not fantastic) running game and you've got yourself a "good enough" offense to maybe make the playoffs.

A "good enough" offense plus a solid defensive front (their secondary made plays when they had to but generally weren't anything to be frightened of in the regular season) should not be enough to win you a championship. It will get you into the playoffs. Look at Tampa Bay this year. But there isn't enough talent there to get you over the hump. Nine times out of 10 that team will realize who it really is and falter. Not these Giants though. Somehow they played better than they were for five straight games. They managed to play that one out of 10 game four games in a row in the playoffs. This goes against everything natural in our world. It's unconscionable.

So we come right back to the beginning. How and why did the Giants manage to overcome all of this and become NFL Champions? Well, there's only one answer left - miracles do happen.

If this New York Giants team, this 2007 version, managed to defy every odd, every statistical reasoning, every shred of logic and normalcy in our sports world and conquer the sport of football, then anything is possible.

I truly was angered and annoyed when the game was over. After all, like I said, I'm not a Giants fan. I never want any of my favorite team's rivals to do better than my teams. But after a day's thought (and believe me, I've been pondering this outcome almost nonstop), I've realized that a positive truth has risen from the aftermath. I now see that the unthinkable is possible.

If you ever think that there is something you cannot do in this life, just think of the Giants. If you think you can't write that screenplay, think of the Giants. If you think you can't become CEO of your business, think of the Giants. If you think you can't record a Grammy-winning album, think of the Giants. If you think you can't win an NBA Championship, think of the...wait. Are you small and white? Are you the Knicks? No! Even the Knicks! Anything is possible!

From now on go about your life with the knowledge that if the 2007 New York Giants can defy everything that makes sense in this world and sit atop the NFL mountain alone, then you too can achieve what you wish to achieve.

I'm off to go wrestle an alligator! Good luck everyone; if it worked for the Giants it'll work for you.

How We Can Bring Back the Real NHL

2008-01-24T10:46:00.000-08:00

Don't care about hockey? Well, first off, that's a shame. And secondly, I'm about to launch into a complete overhaul of the sport to make it not only a better game but a sport that will draw back the casual fan of the 1990s and more.

After the lockout that erased the entire 2004-05 season, most casual fans left the sport leaving only die hards to embrace it upon its return in the fall of 2005. I was one of those die hards. We were sad to see so many people write the sport off. But at the same time we understood where they were coming from because the sport had been bogged down by stupid rules, boring teams, and low scoring affairs. All of these things will definitely push a crowd away.

But since the NHL came back three seasons ago we've seen new rules and new players that have re-energized the game. And while most of those rule changes helped the game (no more two line pass, stricter enforcement of penalties, smaller goalie equipment) there is still work to be done.

New young talent like Alexander Ovechkin, Evgeni Malkin, Rick Nash, Dion Phaneuf, Henrik Lundqvist, Patrick Kane, Jordan Toews, and so many, many more are making this game extremely fun to watch. Oh, and you may have heard of a guy named Sidney Crosby. He's kind of the new Gretzky or Lemieux.

Need some proof that these new kids are what's going to bring hockey back to the forefront of North American sport? Peep these short highlights.

Sidney Crosby

Alexander Ovechkin

Henrik Lundqvist

And this goal by Rick Nash might be the greatest goal I've ever seen:

I really enjoy the glee from the announcers on that Nash goal. Cracks me up every time.

Now all this talent is phenomenal but the game still needs some help to get it back to the popularity of yesteryear. Hockey was unbelievably solid in the 1960s through the early '70s and then became uber popular in the late '80s through the mid-'90s. Why was it so popular before? In my estimation it's a couple reasons. One is a lot of superb talent. Well, we're getting that back with the aforementioned players. The other big reason is exciting play. And by that I don't mean a lot of goals. But I do mean a lot of scoring chances.

We need drama. The reason soccer is so popular across the world is because each goal is so precious that when one is made it's generally a really beautiful display of skill that really means something to the outcome of the contest. This is what Gretzky and Lemieux and Messier and Leetch and Cam Neely and Patrick Roy and Steve Yzerman and all those guys brought. They brought incredible skill, intelligence and inevitably, drama to the sport. People like that. Oh, and the fights. People like fights.

But what are fights? They are tension and drama erupting into a confrontation that will rejuvanate a crowd and a team and intimidate the opposition. Hockey, aside from the batter in baseball, is the only sport where the players are always holding a weapon. You can really hurt someone with that thing. Hockey players don't fight to injure otherwise they could just as easily swing that stick at someone's head. No, it's to police the unwritten rules of the game. It's to intimidate the other team. It's to defend your teammate who's been picked on the whole night. When fights escalate into something that can really hurt the players and the game the referees step in and break it up and in bad cases dish out suspensions as they should. If fighting was punishable by more than a five minute major penalty there would be even more violence and the sport would suffer. Players would get more frustrated that they can't stick up for teammates. Ultimately you'd have what we have in the NBA right now: a league full of seemingly p*ssies that don't want to protect their teammates and police the unwritten rules. Now we know that's not true - NBA players would like to be able to step in when they need to and break up showdowns and make sure everyone on their team is respected. But with the rules David Stern has in place it creates worse fights from bottled up emotion and ridiculous suspensions for teammates that take one step off their bench in a kneejerk reaction to help a teammate in a fracas.

But I should not digress into the NBA.

We're here to fix hockey and so far I've shown that hockey needs these young players and fighting to help it get back to where it once was. The following are rule changes I feel need to be made in order to bring the greatest game on the planet back to where it should be.

Instigator Penalty - What this means is if a player starts a fight in the final five minutes of regulation or overtime that that player is given an extra two minute minor and a ten minute misconduct penalty as well as a one game suspension. I'm sorry, but how does fighting in those parts of the game differ than from any other part of the game? If you fight you get a five minute major and that's it. Get rid of the Instigator rule.

Goalie Trapezoid - This rule was instilled a few years ago and it was put in to keep the New Jersey Devils' goaltender, Marty Brodeur, from playing the puck too much and ruining offensive chances. Basically there are two angled lines from the end boards to the goal line that make a trapezoid behind the net. The goalie is only allowed to play the puck in that zone otherwise it's a delay of game penalty. This is just dumb. It was more fun before when the goalie could play the puck and if he screwed up had to scurry way back from the corner to his net. Also, the goalie had a rare chance to score a goal when the other team pulled their goalie. What they need to do is allow some forechecking by the offensive team on the goalie. Not plow into the goalie but be able to take the puck away without being called for an interference penalty. Goalies are too protected yet they have the most gear. Also, they need to give less leeway to goalies on where they can cover the puck and stop play. Some goalies cover it up way out of net. That should be a delay of game penalty as they are actually delaying the game.

Over the Glass penalty - There was a rule change after the lockout that said if you flip the puck out of the rink and it doesn't hit the glass first it's a delay of game penalty. That is dumb. They just need to go back to the way it used to be where discretion was involved. If a player obviously flips the puck out of the rink on purpose then that is a penalty. If the puck is bouncing or it's clearly a mistake in another way, just have a faceoff and move on.

Five Players Per Shootout - The shootout, in my mind, was a great idea. I hate ties. But I like the idea of the overtime loss. If you can push a team into extra time you deserve a point for that. But to get the full two points you need to win the game. If you can't do it in overtime then the shootout is a supremely fun way to decide a winner in the regular season (unlimited 20 minute overtimes in the playoffs is still perfect). Hey, if we love it so much in soccer, why not keep it for hockey? But right now the shootout is only three players aside. Let's bump that to five players and let's make it a rule that each player has to participate sans helmet. What's it for? Not only does he not need it at this point but it looks cool and old-timey!

Now, there are some other rules in place that some want to change that I think will detract from the game and make it worse. Here they are.

Icing - Right now when the puck is sent down the ice from behind the red line (the middle line) and it goes past the goal line and a defensive team touches it, this is deemed icing the puck and the faceoff occurs back at the other end of the ice in the guilty party's zone. The team that iced the puck is not allowed to change their lines as a sort of penalty for "delaying the game."

I like this rule. It's been around forever. So what the hell am I talking about? Well, many people want the NHL to change it so that the defensive team does not have to touch the puck to make it icing. All the puck has to do is cross the goal line. What this is does is it gets rid of the race. What I mean by this is that when the puck is iced the offensive team still has a chance to "un-ice" it by touching the puck before the defensive team. That means there's a race to the puck and this in itself is a touch of drama. The supporters of the no-touch icing say it will save players from injuries. I highly doubt the number of injuries saved by this will really amount to anything significant. This rule must remain as is.

Shorthanded Icing - This is when one team is on a power play and the other is on the penalty kill (5 on 4 or 4 on 3 hockey). For as long as there's been hockey (as far as I can remember) the rule has been if you're the penalty killing team you can legally ice the puck. You're down a man and you need to get that puck of your zone so the other team can't score. Why should you be penalized again for dumping the puck to the other end? I'm not sure what this rule change would accomplish.

Visors for All - Some people want every player to wear a visor on their helmet in the same way all hockey leagues below the pros are forced to wear cages on their helmets. I don't know about this. I realize it will save players from injuries but I say that these players are adults. They can choose how they want to play the game and if they want to endanger themselves in order to see better then let them. If they get a puck or stick to the face it's their fault. And if owners are worried about losing money on an injured player not playing because he didn't wear a visor then maybe they should tell him they'll give him a little more money if he wears it or fine him. These are men. Not boys. Let them wear what they want.

Goalie Equipment Smaller/Bigger Goals- Some people want goalie equipment to be scaled back and made smaller yet again. This change occurred after the lockout and I was ok with it. But we don't need to keep making goalie gear smaller. The reasoning is for more goals. This is the same reasoning for having slightly bigger nets. Both are dumb. There are plenty of goals being scored now. Like I said earlier, the NHL doesn't thrive on goal scoring, it thrives on scoring chances i.e. drama.

Now, even more important than rule changes are league-wide structural changes.

First off, get rid of the second referee. Right now there are two referees and two line officials. The second referee just gets in the way. But the way the NHL is set up, only the referee can call a penalty. This is stupid. Why not make it like the NFL where any official can call a penalty and then relay it to the referee so he can make the announcement? Boom, solved.

One structural change is actually being implemented next year and that is going back to the old schedule format. Since the lockout the NHL has instituted a division heavy schedule where each team plays their division rivals eight times a season. That's way too much. The NHL wanted to make the rivalries better and deeper but it only made the schedules more monotonous. Also, it means that certain teams in opposite conferences won't see each other for a couple of years depriving fans the chance to see stars in the other conference. This is no good especially if we're trying to market the awesome new talent mentioned above. So kudos to the NHL on that front.

However, bigger sweeping changes need to be made.

All the major sports leagues have expanded in the last 15 years. For hockey this has been detrimental, in my opinion. There are too many teams and that means too little talent per team. It also plays into the current (and almost defunct) schedule. With talent more localized to certain teams, it may be a while before you see your favorite team play a team with a lot of talent. You might go on a 10 game stretch where you see three of the same teams and one or two of them actually has talent. This dilutes the level of play and therefore makes the game more boring.

I say we contract four teams. Get it back down to where it was in the early '90s. Also, I think we need to move a few teams.

Much is debated about whether or not some of these newer southern based teams should be in the league. The people that argue for them will say that they bring in some good money and that the last three Stanley Cup champions have come from warm climate places (Tampa Bay, Carolina, Anaheim). Regardless of those cup wins only one of those teams has stayed at the same level of talent it was at the one season that it was good. Tampa and Carolina basically had fluke seasons. They played well those years but haven't been at that level any other year. Anaheim has been steadily good for the last decade almost.

The four teams that should be contracted completely are the Columbus Blue Jackets, Nashville Predators, Florida Panthers, and Tampa Bay Lightning. The state of Florida does not need hockey. No one in that state cares. For all the arguing of attendance in Tampa the response would be three-fold in any city in Canada and that includes a significant financial response as well.

On top of these contractions there should be a few teams that move. One is the Phoenix Coyotes. The Coyotes became a team when
they were moved from Winnipeg in 1996 when they were called the Jets. This should have never happened in the first place. Winnipeg absolutely adores hockey and they have a brand new arena. Move the Coyotes back to Winnipeg and rename them the Jets.

The next team to move should be the Carolina Hurricanes. They used to be the Hartford Whalers and they should become them again. The owner moved this team to North Carolina in 1997 after the Connecticut governor refused to reimburse the Whalers for up to $45 million in losses during the three years their new arena was to be built (it would have cost $147 million). Word on the street was that the Connecticut governor was holding out because had hopes of building a football stadium to lure the New England Patriots to Hartford which, of course, did not happen. The people of Connecticut, myself included, never wanted the Whalers to leave and felt that they got screwed. Build a new arena in Hartford and bring back the Whale.

The last team that needs to move is the Atlanta Thrashers. This one bugs me the most because Atlanta did originally have a team in the NHL (the Atlanta Flames before they moved to Calgary). However, Quebec sorely needs a team and they deserve one more than Atlanta. The Colorado Avalanche became a
team when they were moved from Quebec as the Quebec Nordiques in 1995. This move hurt the NHL but not as much as the previous two mentioned (Hartford & Winnipeg). The reason is because Denver is a very hockey-centric city and there deserved to be a team in Colorado anyway. I can live with the Avalanche there. They've also been a contender every year since the move except for the last two.

Finally, after the relocations and contractions we need to rename the divisions. With no more southeast teams that entire division wouldn't be justified anymore. So with all the changes what can you call these new divisions? Why not go back to the original names? Two conferences, four divisions. The Wales Conference (East) with the Adams and Patrick Divisions. And the Campbell Conference (West) with the Norris and Smythe Divisions.

These division names were changed to what we have now in 1993 by commissioner Gary Betteman (he's an entirely other article) to help non-hockey fans follow the sport. Here's my argument though: if they're not hockey fans then what do we care if they can follow the game or not?

The conference names are that of the trophies given out to the champions of each conference. Naming the conferences this way actually makes more sense than the NFL believe it or not. In the NFL there is the NFC (National Football Conference) and the AFC (American Football Conference). That's all well and good but the trophies each receives after winning the conference championship game are the George Halas trophy and Lamar Hunt trophy respectively. Why not call each conference the Halas Conference and the Hunt Conference? I think that would be awesome!

The new league structure would be as follows.

Wales Conference

Adams Division
Montreal Canadiens
Quebec Nordiques
Boston Bruins
Hartford Whalers
New York Rangers
New York Islanders
New Jersey Devils

Patrick Division
Toronto Maple Leafs
Ottawa Senators
Buffalo Sabres
Philadelphia Flyers
Washington Capitals
Pittsburgh Penguins

Campbell Conference

Norris Division
Detroit Red Wings
Winnipeg Jets
Minnesota Wild
Chicago Blackhawks
St. Louis Blues
Dallas Stars

Smythe Division
Edmonton Oilers
Vancouver Canucks
Calgary Flames
Colorado Avalanche
Los Angeles Kings
Anaheim Ducks
San Jose Sharks

There you go. Those are the new divisions. Now with less teams and different divisions you need a new schedule format. Here it is: six games played against each divisional opponent and four games against other conference opponents. Every team will play every non-conference opponent twice (once home and once away)...well, almost.

If you're in a seven team division (Adams and Smythe) you play nine of the non-conference teams twice and the other four once. If you're in a six team division you play 10 non-conference teams twice and two just once. The teams that only meet once a year will alternate home and home and back to back years and these match-ups will rotate every year so that the Devils aren't playing the Oilers once a year forever and so on. Sound confusing? It kind of is but it will create a better hockey atmosphere.

A couple more things before we close. ESPN must get back into the fold. They must become the premier American television platform for the NHL again. Versus and NBC should stay on and the rights to the playoffs and Stanley Cup Finals should be bid on just like the other major sports Finals are. But we need hockey on ESPN again. We need more Barry Melrose and Darren Pang. We need Gary Thorne and Bill Clement. And we need National Hockey Night for the sport to flourish in America again.

(And word from my friends at ESPN is that this will in fact happen in the next couple of years. So look out for that.)

Last but not least - jerseys. I don't know anyone that likes having the white jerseys worn on the road and the coloreds worn at home. It makes no sense and it looks ass backwards. If you're a Kings fan every single game you go to or watch is black versus white. It's boring. The point of the colored jerseys is so that crowds can see different colors in their arena each night a new team comes in. Make the switch back and it'll be better for everyone.

There are other minor things like disciplinary changes that could be made or left alone that I don't think change the game enough to warrant mentioning. And I like the idea of skipping the All-Star game every four years to allow players to play in the Olympics. Olympic hockey is one of my favorite sports to watch. I think many "non-fans" would agree with this.

I know this was long and I know many of you don't really care about hockey. But I do and I want to see the game flourish in America again. If you read this far there's a chance you agree with me. Now let's get these changes in place!

And you know what? Why not post a video of a really good hockey fight to make everyone's mouth water. It's brought to you buy none other than enforcer extraordinaire, Tie Domi! Oh, and the background music is pretty good too. Enjoy!

Tom, Tom, He's Our Man - If He Can't Do It...

2008-01-15T15:55:00.000-08:00

Boy do I love Tom Cruise.

No, seriously. The man is a never ending supply of comedic fodder. His beliefs and subsequent ramblings captured by video will never satiate my need for batshit philosophies of which to make fun. I'll retroactively disclaim this article by saying that if you are, in fact yourself, a Scientologist...well...uh, lord help you because I'm about to launch into some pretty negative prose here.

I'll at least say this - I really don't care what religion anyone is. I honestly don't. If you don't intrude on anyone else's life in anyway and keep your religious beliefs to yourself than what do I care? There are enough examples in this world to prove that my view on religion as a whole is the most logical. *cough 9/11 cough* I personally really couldn't care less about the idea of religion - I'm fairly agnostic as it were but that has no bearing on how I feel about anyone else...just so as long as they don't try and impose their views on me or anyone else especially in a negative and/or annoying way. I have my views and I respect everyone else's...that is, until you start spouting ridiculousness that only a licensed therapist should be forced to listen to. Case in point: Mr. Tom Cruise.

Not only does this guy think his religion is the only way to help anyone in any way of life out of any problem, but he truly believes that he himself is the best one to assume the position of lead helper. Don't believe me? Peep this video. (I dare you to watch the whole thing and not vomit a little in your mouth.)

(Go on. I'll wait.)

(Almost done?)

So, yeaaaaa. Right? Here's a quote that perfectly sums up the Scientologist approach as interpreted by Maverick, "When you're a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you're the only one who can really help... We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures."

You might be saying to yourself, "How can you really make a judgment on him? How do you know everything about the church of Scientology and what it has to offer?"

Here's my response, "A) Scientology is not a church. It is a cult designed to make money off of weak minded individuals based on the writings of a crappy science fiction writer in the 40's and 50's. 2) The book that Scientology is based on, Dianetics, is so asinine that authors in the science fiction genre that L. Ron Hubbard looked up to dismissed it saying it was "a lunatic revision of Freudian psychology" that "had the look of a wonderfully rewarding scam." Which, of course, it is. And D) Tom Cruise is short. No man listens to short people and no woman finds them attractive.

Ok, ok. That last part was a little mean but I just really wanted to fulfill the rest of that "Home Alone" parallel.

Have I not convinced you I know what I'm talking about when it comes to Scientology? Maybe this video will help.

Mighty funny right? Well, that's the truth people. You're saying to yourself, "This is just comedy. It's not the truth. They made that up to be funny."

Uh, nope. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are not only smart people but they also know that truth is stranger than fiction. There's a reason that the Scientology episode of South Park caused national media buzz. Not only does it make fun of John Travolta and Tom Cruise by saying they're "trapped in the closet" (that's an entirely separate article), but it simplifies the absolutely insane story that is Scientology.

And this brings me all the way back to my original point. That is, that I really love Tom Cruise. He has become so absolutely out of touch with the rest of humanity that one can only laugh and laugh at everything he does. Within that though, I feel for Katie Holmes and, of course, baby Suri (and lord knows if that's Tom's anyhow, right?). I'm defending Katie because she was a normal girl until being corrupted by Tom. Maybe one day she'll snap out of it. Who the hell knows but what I do know is that Katie Holmes is supremely gorgeous and as far as I can tell a very sweet person. And she and her daughter are the first in the line of Tom's fire.

What's funny to me and you is a sad, sad story to someone else. While we can all thank Tom for making us feel more sane than we sometimes come off as we can also feel really badly for the
people he's affecting. First Katie. Just recently Will Smith joined the club (don't know about Jada yet). And word on the street is they're now gunning for the Beckhams. Now this is when it gets personal. I'll be damned if I'm going to let Tom corrupt my favorite player on my favorite American soccer club.

It's kind of like eight years of President Bush. At first you tolerate his idiocy because it's so easy to make fun of but after a while the damage is too much and it just ain't worth the laughs. Let's try and be a little more pre-emptive on the Scientology front than we were on the terrorism front, eh?

21st Century Voting Boy

2008-01-11T17:07:00.000-08:00

You get to a point in your boredom where you spend way too much time trolling around websites that you'd ordinarily not spend so much time trolling around on. For me, at this hour, it's Facebook. Am I proud of this? Running a slalom course through my friends' pages and their friends' pages checking out pictures and interests. Sending messages to friends I haven't talked to in forever. Proud? You betcha!

In the year 2008 the rules officially change. Trolling around websites like Facebook and MySpace to kill time, to meet friends through friends, to anonymously tell someone you think they're "finer than fine china" is perfectly acceptable...well, minus the lameness of that line. But it's all come around. No longer is dating online a faux pas. Commerce online has been widely accepted as safe and secure for some years now. The 21st century is finally starting to fulfill the promises we made for it 20 years ago in crappy sci fi movies. The Jetsons? We're still a bit off from them...begrudgingly.

But one rule is still in place. Well, I'm sure there's many but this one closely ties in to the first couple paragraphs I just wrote so let's go with this one. As I was motoring through pages on Facebook I saw on the main page that a couple of my friends had participated in a "debate". This "debate" was merely a page devoted to the question, "Based on the debate, do you think a Democratic President could keep America safe from foreign threats?" You could vote either way and then post on the discussion board more thoughts of yours and so forth. I like this idea for a couple reasons. For one, it's smart on the part of the Facebook team to instill political topics and discussions on the young public. Moreover, it's important that the young public learn more about politics because far too many of them have no f**king clue what they're talking about. How do I know this? I once was that age and I was just as ignorant and stupid. For those of you unlearned, those two qualities actually can be mutually exclusive.

So what's that one rule? Simple: if you're in high school you have no voice.

No, I'm not saying they don't have an opinion on matters political. Some may even though many young people (by the way, young people are those under the age of 21 and generally have never voted in a presidential election) don't care about politics at all. They may not care for a myriad of reasons some of which I'll be the first to agree are ruthlessly acceptable. (How much can you listen to pundits yap about the same topic that is inevitably a non-issue?)

What I'm saying is that young people, for the very most part, should not be allowed to voice their opinion. Some of you are going to flip out and jump out of your chairs and yell "unpatriotic!" and other ridiculousness but let me explain. Young people, as evidenced by their penchant toward watching television programs like American Idol, The Hills, and the Real World (and thinking that this is what really matters in life), generally have no idea what lies outside MTV studios and music featuring T-Pain.

When asked about politics young people either say, "I don't know - I don't care" or recite whatever they overhear their parents yelling at the TV. The latter is often spiced up with their own brand of language and attitude that's usually saved for Britney Spears debates.

The point is, most (note I did not say all) young people have no idea what they're talking about when it comes to politics. So when I check out a political message board and see people in high school voicing their opinions on something, I get a little annoyed. There's a reason you're not allowed to vote until you're 18. Sometimes I think even that is too young. You haven't experienced enough yet. You haven't learned enough yet. If you try and tell me that an 18-year-old can make an informed decision about America based on a US History and Civics class in high school I'll probably throw a shoe at you. (That's who throws a shoe.)

When I voted in 2000 I was 18 and three months. I was a fresh American voter...and I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. I was excited that I was allowed to participate in the process. I was finally given some real responsibility. Only problem is people that young aren't ready to wield that responsibility. They don't know anything. I didn't. I'm not saying there aren't informed kids mature past their age that actually could make a legitimate decision and not put a wrench in the cogs of the American political process. But the vast majority don't have the attention spans or knowledge yet to make a proper decision.

I refuse to believe it makes sense for in ill-informed young adult to have the same vote as I. I'm not saying I know everything and I'm not saying my votes are always made with all the knowledge possible. Hell, that's not possible for anyone. But I learn as much as I can and read and watch and do what I can so the vote I cast makes the most logical sense for the growth and prosper of this country we claim is the greatest in the world. What are the odds people under 21 really go through that process? You might try and argue that those under that age that don't know anything generally don't participate anyway so why worry. You're probably right on some level but it's not worth it for the ones that still go to the polls unlearned.

And this election is probably the biggest reason why we cannot have uninformed young voters coming to the polls voicing their opinions. They just don't know enough. These times are way too important and volatile and I'll be damned if I let some 18-year-olds decide our country's future. To understand the problems this country faces and the rhetoric tossed around in the political process you need a college education. You just do and I refuse to believe anyone that argues otherwise. I don't care what college you went to just as long as you gained the proper information and perspective one gains in post high school educational institutions.

Maybe we should just raise the voting age to 21. I'd have no problem with that. More young people are being thrust into the political process this go 'round because of the significance of this presidential election and the effect it'll have on the younger generations. They are almost being forced to voice their opinions. Well, let me tell you, I'm young enough to feel those effects too but I'm smart enough to make the right decision for my generation and the ones behind me.

So what can we do? Well, if you know anyone younger than 21 you should probably teach them about what's going on. That is, of course, if they care to know. If they care enough to get involved in November. Obviously you have to be up on the issues yourself which I assume most of my readers are but you understand the disclaimer. Let's get our generation, everyone older than 21 and younger than 31 up on the issues and pass that knowledge to those that get to vote for the first time in a presidential election so that the young voting populous that is expected to show up this time makes an informed decision that betters this country. I don't need four more years of arrogance, ignorance, and uninformed irrational decisions. Remember, a high school education alone isn't enough these days for a reason.

Welcome to Media Purgatory!

2008-01-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I was going to wait to tell you all this but I figured now is a better time than any to lay it all on the table. Someone in charge of putting people in front of a camera finally decided that it'd be a good idea to make me the person in front of said camera. I know, I can't believe it either. No, I'm not kidding you. I have no reason to kid. It's not National Kidder's Day aka April Fools' Day. And I really don't have the energy or care enough to try and concoct some ridiculous hoax involving me being paid to make an ass out of myself in front of a camera for the entire country to see.

No, I really will be hosting an almost daily segment for College Sports Television. I should revise that actually - my good friend Brody will be co-hosting with me. In fact, it was his moxy that got us the gig in the first place. You think my lazy ass would have found out about such an opportunity? Anyway, Brody and myself are set to become the next great roadtripper team for CSTV. What the hell is that? I'm glad you asked.

Basically, we are going to be making short comedy pieces about and in a different college towns almost every single day between January 5th and the National Championship at the Final Four in San Antonio on April 7th. Well clearly it's past January 5th and I'm still not on the road. Why is this you ask? Jesus, you ask a lot of questions! Well, it's because the sales team at CSTV hasn't quite yet nailed down a sponsor for our trip. They say it's their number one priority and that they're doing everything they can to get this trip going. They say this. I believe them*. Don't worry about that asterisk. For reasons I can't get into I cannot explain the entire situation or what my take on it is. Basically, they haven't started paying me yet so I don't feel like saying anything that will compromise that. You understand.

It's all about the almighty dollar. CBS, the parent company for CSTV, will not allow our trip to start unless it's being paid for buy Chick Fil-A or Timberland or Mastercard or some corporate sponsor. So until then I am forced to sit on my ass and watch television. You might say this seems like a dream vacation. I assure you it is not. I could not be more bored. Not only this but I can't even be bored in my own home in Los Angeles. I subleased my place out. So I'm forced to enjoy the rent-free surroundings of my parents' home on the east coast. Brody? He's doing the exact same thing.

It's media purgatory people and it's freakin' obnoxious. It's good to know that at the very least our producers empathize with us and want the sales team to secure some money pronto. But when you hear through the grapevine that there was a sponsor ready to sign on months ago and said sales team sat on their hands, it tends to get you a little annoyed. But I digress.

So what can I do while I await my soon-to-be employers and purveyors of the CPunch brand of ridiculousness...on television, mind you? Well, I went out and bought myself the last two seasons of South Park on DVD. I'm halfway through the second one already and it's only been two days since I bought them.

I've also inquired about temporary work for a few production companies in New York but to no avail. No one needs anyone and the writers' strike isn't helping matters. Not only that, but the cost of taking the train into Manhattan would almost certainly offset the money I made temping. I've thought of driving a delivery truck for the local dry cleaners. I thought to myself, "Hey, it could be fun if they give me a cool little hat!" But alas, I've received no call from them yet either.

I have a bit of time until February 1st. That's the day CSTV says they're now aiming to start our trip. Of course, that's provided the sales team actually comes through this week with a sponsor. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath. And let's just say that if this trip gets delayed any further I'm going to be very, very pissed off. If I hadn't subleased my place out I could go back to what I was doing before but I cannot. I'm stuck in media purgatory.

Media Purgatory. I think I'm going to coin that phrase right now (patent pending!). This is pretty much what guild writers are dealing with right now. They have a job but they're not allowed to work it. Why? Because of monetary issues. I suppose I should go stand on the picket lines myself. But then again it's cold and it would cost money to go into New York. Media Purgatory. Then again it's better than Media Hell. Just ask Louis Anderson, Carrot Top, and Kathy Griffin. At this point it's like picking the lesser of two evils.

I'll end with an exchange from a Simpsons episode where the Simpsons go to New York and Homer interacts with a street vendor. In this metaphor, one soft drink is Media Purgatory and the other is Media Hell. See if you can tell which.

Homer: Ugh, what do you have to get that taste out of my mouth?
Vendor: We have Mountain Dew and Crabjuice.
Homer: Yiiickkk. Ugh! I'll have the Crabjuice.

I'm drinking Crabjuice, people. Motherf**king crabjuice.

A Spears Christmas Wish

2007-12-23T19:10:00.000-08:00

I think the best news I received in the past week wasn't that I had gotten a new job that allows me to make an ass out of myself in official online videos and TV but that Britney Spears' mom was set to release a guide to good parenting book on Mother's Day in 2008. Then the news came that Britney's younger sister, Jamie-Lynn, was pregnant...at age 16. How effing appropriate is that? You can probably guess that the book has been tabled.

There are many things to be thankful for this year and I'd say personally that not being the spawn of anyone with the last name Spears is probably my number one. Really, could you be any more grateful for anything than that fact? That family isn't a trainwreck. No, because when there's a trainwreck people tend to forget about it soon thereafter. This is far worse. This is like if you let Stevie Wonder fly Air Force One through a thunderstorm over the Rockies and the only vile of the cure for cancer on the planet was onboard. It's a freakin' mess.

Let's look at a very simplistic timeline of the Spears girls from the past 10 years. Britney gets famous with slutty school girl song. Britney gets more famous with more slutty pop music - gives 30 million guys erections for the next three years. Jamie-Lynn is still really young. Britney gets the urge to have kids at 23 and hastily picks an idiot to marry and thusly procreate with. Jamie-Lynn scores a roll on some crappy pre-teen show. Britney divorces K-Fed after having two kids and proceeds to give Courtney Love a run for her money for the coveted "Dirtiest Whore On The Planet" award. Britney shaves her head and goes nuts. Britney cuts comeback disc that isn't half bad but continues to act like an idiot. Jamie-Lynn, now a "teen TV sensation" gets knocked up by her 18-year-old boyfriend at age 16.

Whew. That was a lot even for a scaled down version. I think really the only logical next step for Britney is to do softcore pornography. Right? Get back in shape. Do a couple full frontals with the Barbara Walters lense on the camera and let's just get this over with already.

I said this year that I didn't really want much for Christmas. I think I made mention of some DVDs and maybe some clothes on my list but after much deliberation and contemplation I think I've already gotten my wish. I got it long ago when I wasn't born to Lynn Spears. That family was the worst thing to happen to Louisiana until Katrina hit. Hell, it may still rival it. (This is where I really wish one of my New Orleans native friends would cut in with, "Yea, they're worse than Katrina" to confirm my point.)

So this Christmas when you're hanging out with family and exchanging gifts and drinking yourself stupid, remember this: you're not part of the Spears family. Life is good. Have a merry one, everbody.

The ABC's Of Getting Preggers

2007-12-14T10:25:00.000-08:00

I feel like a good question to ask women these days is: "when do you plan on getting pregnant?" I say this for a few of reasons.

I think when I initially thought of this I was bored and figured I'd get a bunch hilarious responses that for the most part included the words "f*ck" and "you" however I was surprised (although I guess I shouldn't be) to learn that I was given fairly rational answers (which I guess is in and of itself a minor surprise...jokes!). Some sincere, some sarcastic, and most of which were unintentionally funny...well, at least to me.

The first three answers I received were the following:

Girl A: "ummm, closer to later than sooner."
Girl B: "Well, I'm free tonight..."
Girl C: "30-31. I want twins."

I found this extremely interesting as these three responses, to me, sort of envelope the main three psyches of young women. Don't believe me? Read on and you will!

Isn't it funny how predictable people can be sometimes? I would've said women but A) I would have gotten angry letters, and B) plenty of different categories of people adhere to certain stereotypes all the time. (Note: I didn't say all. I'm not an ignoramus.)

The first response is from a 22-year-old. She accepts the question as logical but honestly knows it's not something that's in her immediate future. This is different than, say, a teenage girl who is either scared shitless because she's just started having sex and getting preggers was one of the initial fears she had to hurdle to get herself in the sack. Or she responds with delusions of grandeur about how her entire life will pan out with names for the children and where she'll take them on Saturday afternoons.

The second response is from a 24-year-old girl. Her joke of "Well, I'm free tonight" is admittedly funny. However, in my estimation (which for all intent and purposes is on par with a licensed psychologist for this article), this girl is at the age where some of her friends already have kids and she's scared of hitting 25 because that's halfway to 30. And by 30 you're "supposed to" have a couple of kids and be married. So even though the thought of having a couple scamps running around is almost as far off her mind as the 22-year-old's, she finds ways to joke about the subject to, presumably, distract herself from her instinctive feelings to procreate.

The third response is from a 26-year-old girl. She responds directly and honestly about the subject and shows no problems of knowing exactly when she plans to get a couple buns in the oven. Not only does she know the exact age she wants to do it (which then one can infer that this girl is career driven, which isn't necessarily a bad thing) but she knows how many she wants. This confidence can be attractive to guys but the fact that she's confident about having kids at a set date can easily turn off just as many. It's quite the conundrum she lives in.

So what have we learned here? We learned that the psyche of the female, at least in the hormonal realm, seems to function as a bell curve. At first they hastily plan out their entire life including kids, job, husband, where they'll live, and how often they'll wax nostalgic on their husband's hoohoo. Then they wise up and realize that making babies is far down the line. Then they realize they're getting older and peer pressure only compounds their instincts to procreate. Then they realize peer pressure is stupid and they set their plans again but much more responsibly. The only problem is guys are naturally hesitant to settle down (it's instincts people, we're socially getting a little more mature each generation, bear with us) so this can turn us off.

So there you go. I asked the first three girls I thought of this simple question and got an entire sociological lesson out of it. Obviously I only surveyed three lovely ladies and that surely isn't enough to properly make full-bodied assertions. But then I'm CPunch and that's what I do. Hell, I gave myself a friggin' PhD for this article. Have a terrific weekend.

An Ode To Andy Rooney

2007-12-05T17:26:00.000-08:00

You know what I don't get? Why Andy Rooney's still on 60 Minutes. I mean it's clear he hasn't formed a coherent sentence in 15 years.

My roommate started TiVoing 60 Minutes about a month ago. Never did before. I found it interesting but something about watching it left me a bit puzzled. As the years have gone on I've seen some of the reporters move on, retire, or pass away. But Andy's still there. He really has that same office? You'd have thought he'd get sick of the mahogany by now.

Every week we've recorded the program I've watched some fascinating stories and every week I imagine Andy has these thoughts:

"I've seen a story on coma patients coming out of it because of Ambien. I don't get how that works - that stuff always make me sleep like a baby. I've seen reports on the environment. I suppose we have to help mother nature out these days - in my day you just picked yourself up by your bootstraps. What's wrong mother nature? I've even seen a story on Will Smith, the African-American actor. I'll tell you, I've seen this Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and I don't think he's very fresh. That kind of humor might have been funny to inner city kids in the early nineties but it's not to me in the year 2007."

So after I've educated myself with some engaging television I always seemed surprised when I see one of the reporters introducing Andy Rooney. Maybe I subconsciously think he died five years ago. Maybe I just try to tune out the idea that he's still employed by Viacom. Lord willing. But every week there he is with more inane complaining.

Last week he was agitated by the amount of retail catalogs he got in the mail. Not sure why he was so peeved. Most people shop on the internet these days anyway. It's not like he'd have to look through the magazines to see what he'd want. And then when he's found it copy and write down the item number into the order form insert and then mail it out. This system of consumerism is very outdated - heck, I remember when I was a younger man. I ordered a few things out of catalogs. Never complained about it, really. In fact I kind of relish the thought of those more innocent, some might say primitive, times.

Not Andy though. He finds it annoying that companies like him so much that want to send him a little bit of Christmas, pardon me, Holiday cheer this season. I mean after all, his parents have surely passed on and any and all of his kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews have certainly stopped talking to or visiting him for years now. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if CBS without his knowing moved that mahogany desk and bookcase to a senior citizen's home and told him he was still at CBS studios. Never had to do that with one of my family - hope I never have to.

I guess I'll just have to keep dealing with kooky old man Rooney and his asinine ramblings. At the very least he's good fodder for these articles. And that's what really matters - my ability to make fun of others' shortcomings.

Everything's Fine In The Land of Status Quo

2007-11-28T17:05:00.000-08:00

My roommate was watching the pre-show to the Republican Presidential debate on CNN when I walked in the living room tonight. I sat down and watched a couple minutes of the coverage and realized this was going to be too funny for me not to sit down and keep a running log of what transpired. Below is how it all went down.

5:00 PST - Here we go!!! Let's let some fat white guy introduce another white guy who happens to be the governor of Florida, Governor Charlie Crist.

5:03 - [Lights out - laser show and spotlights] And now...heeeere's your Republican nominees!! (Ok, that didn't really happen with the lights and lasers but it woulda been awesome.)

5:07 - CNN shows a montage of questions that we won't see. Most of these include questions from children and wanna-be comedy pieces. Kudos to CNN for showing some sense of responsibility. Yesterday they aired one of the questions that had been submitted. It was from a fifth grader. I said to myself, "yea, maybe I'd give a rat's ass what you have to say if, ya know, you could actually participate in the political process. But since you don't have pubes yet, I think I'll pass."

5:09 - First question comes from a guy who sings a song with a guitar. Um what? Get to the point dude. Oh wait, there wasn't a question. Great, way to waste my time.

5:13 - Bam! Bitchslap from Mitt Romney on Rudy Giuliani about New York being a sanctuary city for illegal immigrants. This baby starts off with a bang.

5:14 - Oh snap!! Giuliani slaps back: Romney paid illegal immigrants to clean his house!

5:15 - And Romney pops right back! It's getting crazy! Giuliani says: "If you're gonna take this 'holier than thou' attitude..." Man, they're loosening the lapels in St. Pete tonight!

5:17 - Fred Thompson's alive! "I will not grant amnesty to illegals already here." I think Fred just offered me a Werther's Original.

5:20 - John McCain apparently doesn't remember what he does in the Senate.

5:21 - What a surprise, everyone wants a secure border! Now back to The Obvious Show.

5:23 - Tom Tancredo says everyone's trying to Out-Tancredo him! When Dennis Kucinich seems like the sane one...

5:25 - "It's nice to listen to people make statements." - Duncan Hunter. Thanks for coming out.

5:27 - Mike Huckabee speak good. He's pleasing. I feel like he's reading me a book like when I was in 2nd grade. You know, like he'll read the passage and really get into characters and make you really dive into the story. Only problem is he never shows you the illustrations.

5:30 - Huckabee laying down the hammer to Romney when being accused of giving illegal immigrants breaks on college tuition! "We can't punish children for their parent's crimes." But we can punish children for not being Caucasian. Pardon me? We can't? Oh...nevermind then.

5:32 - Ron Paul talks about the international highway and the North American Union non-conspiracy. And no one argued him. Hmmm.

5:35 - McCain makes a bear sex joke! Oh baby, it's gettin' wild down there. McCain doesn't wanna spend a dime. Presumably because he's secretly spent all his money on bear prophylactics.

5:36 - Romney agrees with McCain on the spending problem. Weren't the "everyone agrees" debates like 10 months ago?

5:37 - "Oo, oo! I'm here too," says Giuliani. Playing the Ronald Reagen card. Too bad McCain just played it himself.

5:38 - Intelligent spending question from a girl in LA. Thompson wants social security reform. I just want social security.

5:38 - "Washington didn't change me," says Ron Paul. Paul wants to get rid of pretty much every federal program. I can't say I disagree with him. Less government, baby. Go get 'em Ronnie!

5:39 - Huckabee wants to get rid of the IRS. Woo, no more taxes!! "More people are more afraid of an audit than a mugging in this country." Preach on! Oh wait, he used to be a pastor? Well, isn't that ironically humorous of me.

5:40 - People are both booing and cheering McCain for saying Paul supports World War II...in so many words. Paul refuses to be called an isolationist and fights back calling McCain a balding doodyhead. Ok, I may have made that up.

5:46 - Romney is pro-farmer. Put it on a bumper sticker!!

5:49 - Tom Tancredo likes making crappy YouTube commercials about himself foxey boxing Hillary Clinton. Oh, Tom.

5:51 - Duncan Hunter says buying American-made toys for Christmas will save soldiers' lives.

5:52 - Fred Thompson likes to make jokes about Mike Huckabee in his YouTube commercial. However Huckabee comes back with a good barb, "My old pastor used to say, 'if you're getting kicked in the rear at least you know you're still in front.'" That crafty Huckabee!

5:54 - We hit our first commercial break nearly an hour in. Biggest reactions so far go to Ron Paul and John McCain. Everyone is pretty much sticking to the same old song and dance. Paul hates pretty much every federal program. McCain panders to anything troop related because he knows no one doesn't support them. And when the Iraq talk starts in a little bit you'll be sure to hear Giuliani singing his 9/11 song.

5:59 - Duncan Hunter supports owning a gun. In fact, America ain't America if you don't own a gun. Oh dear...

6:01 - Dumbass gun question to Giuliani. It's a softball: why do you want a written exam for people to get guns if we're allowed to get them via the 2nd amendment? Oh I don't know, maybe to stop crazy people from owning one! Thankfully Giuliani sort of said this....but doesn't properly or completely explain it. Which is why he's a political retard.

6:04 - John McCain knows how to use a gun. Wow, really?

6:05 - Duncan Hunter wants you to know exactly what guns he owns. He's pretty proud of this.

6:07 - Mitt Romney doesn't understand black America. Someone get the Mayor of Baltimore on the phone!

6:09 - A girl named Journey from Texas just asked an abortion question. Ron Paul thinks states should set their own abortion laws. Everyone follows suit. Remarkably there wasn't a Sopranos/"Don't Stop Believing" joke. I'm absolutely floored by this.

6:12 - Mitt Romney wants to outlaw all abortion. A decade ago he said the exact opposite. Either Mitt is confused or really likes ping pong.

6:14 - Mike Huckabee disagrees with Jesus - the death penalty is appropriate sometimes. This has gotta dock some points off your tally dunnit?

6:15 - Tancredo gets religious on us when asked what would Jesus do in regards to the Capital Punishment debate. "I would pray to Jesus." Great, way to defer responsibility, Tom.

6:17 - Giuliani says he reads the Bible frequently. I bet his three ex-wives would be able to contest that fairly easily.

6:18 - Someone asks a blunt question: "Do you believe every word in the Bible?" Huckabee knows how to answer the question whereas Romney stutters by repeating, "I believe in the word of God." I wish I had Mike with me when I wanted to convince a girl to go to bed with me. The man makes you believe he believes what he says even if it's outlandish.

6:20 - Second commercial. Poop break!

6:24 - Giuliani calls Islam a great religion. Way to be edgy, Rudy.

6:25 - Oh man! Our first 9/11 reference from Giuliani....and there's another within 15 seconds!! Here comes the lightning round of 9/11 references. I'm so giddy!!

6:26 - McCain apparently thinks we're winning in Iraq. And once again let's thank the troops. Ok, we get it John.

6:28 - Romney stumbling over his words again trying to deny waterboarding is torture. Here comes McCain to scold him.

6:33 - Fred Thompson says oil prices will rise because he envisions Iran in our military future. I thought Dick Cheney was the fear monger?

6:36 - Ron Paul compares Vietnam to Iraq. Mixed reactions from the crowd. Tancredo may actually have a point here by saying that just leaving wouldn't necessarily mean radical Islam wouldn't follow us home. That's not very funny, Tom. Way to kill that sweet Ron Paul buzz I was getting.

6:39 - Wow, someone in Colorado asks Giuliani point blank why he uses 9/11 as his platform to the White House. His response? Apparently we're supposed to vote based on his record. Although I'm not sure anyone knows what that is since all he ever talks about is 9/11.

6:42 - Last commercial break. No one has sold me on anything thus far. Well except for Mike Huckabee's public speaking skills. I might really need him out on the club scene.

6:48 - Duncan Hunter hates the gays and assumes all soldiers would get all homophobic and do their jobs poorly. Oh jeeze.

6:49 - Romney flip flops on accepting gays in the military. What a freakin' politician. He never gives a real answer. He and John Kerry probably play golf together. Hell, they're both from (M)Assachussetts.

6:51 - A gay 74-year-old says every candidate on the panel has failed to answer his "why can't gays be in the military" question. Everyone on the panel says the soldiers wouldn't be able to be professional and do their jobs properly because of the imminent "distraction". The 74-year-old disagrees: he was also a veteran of 42 years.

6:53 - Chuck Norris, in attendance, laughs at a Mike Huckabee joke. I think we (I) just climaxed.

6:57 - Some guy in Denver asks who will support sending a human to Mars. Somehow no one laughs at this question.

6:58 - Wait a second. Tancredo thinks it's a serious question. Wow, he actually said something good - we shouldn't waste money on something like this. Whew!

6:59 - Great question from a black guy in LA - why don't we [black people] vote for you [Republicans]? Giuliani stumbles through an answer that doesn't answer the question but says how great he is at helping poor people. Somehow I'm not sure George Jefferson gives a shit.

7:01 - Wow, pretty unanimous agreement on the idea that the stars & bars [the confederate flag] shouldn't be shown in public. Why this was even a topic of discussion is beyond me.

7:07 - Starting to yawn...

7:08 - Ron Paul stickin' it to everyone. Way to go out with one last bang, Ron.

7:10 - Giuliani wants you to know the Yankees won four championships while he was mayor and none when he left office. Oh, and Mitt Romney doesn't know how many years the Red Sox went without winning a championship. He said 87 - it was 86.

7:12 - The debate is over and not a minute too soon. I'm still not voting for anyone here but I did enjoy keeping this running diary. Why did I wait until this debate to do this? The TV happened to be on the channel when it started.

Maybe I'll do a running diary of a Democratic debate soon. Then again, maybe I won't. Now where's my Communist Manifesto?

The Real Politically Correct

2007-11-24T21:04:00.000-08:00

I really didn't want to write this now. It's Saturday night and I'm in the process of thinking about getting ready to go out and grab a drink with friends. But...I've just finished reading a friend's blog about politics and it struck a nerve with me.

Let me preface this by saying that I truly like this friend of mine that posted this blog. I even support the candidate she's been campaigning for but I have my own favorite. What strikes me is how she goes about supporting this candidate. It's a little naive and somewhat ignorant. Let me explain what I'm talking about.

Her blog (Don't give her shit just because she's a girl. I know - what's up with me being nice?!) talks about going out to bars with her brother on Thanksgiving eve and passing out fliers and pamphlets to people waiting in lines to get into said bars. They were trying to drum up a dialogue and create awareness about their candidate. I applaud the grass roots effort, I really do. Here's my beef though.

Her reasoning for wanting to go out on Thanksgiving eve to these bars to discuss her candidate is because all the college and just-out-of-college kids are back home for the holiday and tend to go out to bars that night to catch up with friends they haven't seen in a while. She figured she'd capitalize on this high concentration of young(er) people and campaign for her guy (guess you realized it's not Hillary!).

Here's the problem though: while wanting to get young people to vote is hard enough, you're trying to get them to vote for your guy and are doing so while they wait in line at a bar. Do you really think the majority of these people give a rat's ass about some solicitor of anything regardless of the fact that (maybe even especially because) it's about politics? The importance of politics cannot be overstated (I don't know if you've been paying attention the last seven years...) but there is no way in hell you're going to get a positive reaction about politics from people a) waiting in line to get into a bar, b) on Thanksgiving eve when they're thinking about family, friends, and football and nothing else, and c) who are generally under the age of 27 and for the majority of their lives are sick of people telling them what they should do and/or trying to be sold something.

Yes, I get it. You feel strongly about your candidate. Fantastic. You really want to promote your candidate and want to do it grass roots style. That's very commendable and I applaud that effort and enthusiasm. But let me explain something to you about people in general: they are fickle. If they aren't in the mood to listen to something they will be more turned off to it than before you started trying to sell them on the idea. So even if I was remotely interested in your candidate before and I was standing in line at one of those bars I would have probably told you to get lost because I'm not there to have a dialogue about our crappy monetary system or the pros and cons of the troop surge. I'm there to bullshit with my friends and get drunk. Get back to me on Monday when the holiday is over and my head's back on straight.

I'm not knocking my friend and I'm not knocking her candidate despite the fact I plan on voting for someone else. I'm knocking her tactics. This story about the bars and grass roots campaigning, for me, is just the latest and greatest of instances where I felt I've been beaten over the head with political campaigning. Virtually everyday I'm told how great this candidate is and the more I hear it the more I get annoyed. I don't like her candidate any less but that's because he's a commendable candidate. Not the best (in my view) but if he were a complete assbag I'd have probably berated her by now with how obnoxiously stupid she's being. Fortunately she's picked someone fairly worthy of The Office.

The general theme here? Be smart about your political campaigning. No matter who you support be considerate of everyone else. And that doesn't mean having the mindset of "I respect your opinion but I just want to have a dialogue about the issues...and how great my candidate is in regards to them." Maybe the idiots of this country need to be beaten over the head with constant campaigning but I don't. And I'm pretty sure many of my friends don't. I'd like to believe that even though many young people are fickle they are at least intelligent enough and cognisant enough of the issues to be able to make a wise decision about our future. When you beat me over the head with "check out _____!!!" it makes me want to check it out less a) because I don't like being told what to do and b) anything repeated enough becomes obnoxious.

I have my candidate and I've mentioned to my friends who I'm supporting. They know who I support and I've definitely said I think everyone should vote for him for X, Y, and Z. But then I leave it at that. If I've done a good enough job explaining why my candidate is so fantastic then they will take it upon themselves to search out more info on this guy and make their own decision. But the moment I get bombarded with MySpace bulletins and IMs and emails and texts I'm going to get annoyed and not want to learn about that person despite your incessant requests/demands (depending on how you look at it). I got a text from her on Thanksgiving saying "Happy Thanksgiving everyone and don't forget to vote for _____!!" I thought to myself, "I love you but give it a rest. It's freakin' Thanksgiving. Take a breather, babe."

So please, I beg of you, do your own homework. Support your candidate. Do some grass roots campaigning even. Just know when enough is enough. Know the tipping point with certain demographics. You can probably push the issue more with older people because they will have more patience. You'll have to play a different card with younger people. Don't be naive and think everyone's the same. They're not. To win the White House you need to be smart about the issues but you also need to be smart about people. This applies to candidates and supporters alike. Remember that the next time you plan on ambushing 300 thirsty twenty somethings on the eve of a major holiday.

Back In the 305 Again

2007-11-15T16:16:00.000-08:00

I walked by the Limited Too today (it's like The Limited clothing store except for prebuscent girls) and there was a big sign in the window that said "It's a Girl's World." I could be wrong but I'm willing to bet the men ruling the vast majority of countries and their governments in this world would beg to differ. Stupid kids and their drugs.

Best link ever: MM Liiiiive!

If I hear Yah Mo Be There one more time I'm gonna Yah Mo burn the place down.

Barry Bonds got indicted today. Was anyone surprised? You were? Oh...well that's because you're a f**cking idiot. What? I'm sorry - I'm sure it sucks to hear that multiple times a day. For everyone else that saw this coming about four years ago (that's when he purjored himself to a grand jury over whether or not he knew he injected horse hormones into his ass), kudos and thanks for stickin' it out. We all knew this day would come.

Remember when Mark Echo set up that online vote for what to do with Bonds' 756 ball? Well the voting went the way of the asterisk emblazened on the baseball before being given to the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY. Right after that happened all of the Bonds supporters cried foul on the election claiming exactly what Bonds said about Echo: "this is stupid." Way to be mature about it, Barry.

(For the record I'm aware I called Bonds supporters idiots a paragraph before hypocrisizing myself [yea, I made that word up...I think] but the difference is that they actually are idiots whereas Mark Echo is not).

If you'll remember I wrote an article ripping Bonds a new one three years ago. You can read that one right here.

I just got back from Miami. First time I've been there in a little over two years. I saw all the kids from back in the day and it was a fun time indeed. Drinking, debauchery, rabblerousing and all sorts of revelry were had by all. I'd also like to add capricious and perspicacious or ascetic for our SAT Fun Hour.

I was in town to help send off our football team's beloved stadium, the Orange Bowl. The 75 year old girl has seen plenty of things as any 75 year old broad would: the Depression, Joe Namath, hurricanes, chlamydia...ok, maybe that last one doesn't count. Nevertheless, the OB's been around the block a few times and there's a mystique and aura around that stadium that makes other teams scared. It made them tense up and lose football games. Just ask Bobby Bowden and his 9384398 missed field goals there.

Of course, no one told the Vagina, er, Virginia Cavaliers this last Saturday and apparently no one told the Miami Hurricanes they were playing that day because they sent the stadium off with a 48-0 embarrasment. Thanks, gang. Way to almost ruin my weekend.

Best part of the weekend though? Ninja Kitten.

U Betta Believe It, Baby

2007-08-05T23:39:00.000-07:00

Nothing gets me pumped up for the new college football season like Lloyd's Barbecue Company and Tim Brando's amazing combover. Yup, it's that time of year again. It's the time of year when you're just starting to accept college football back into your life and still not willing to accept the NFL because it's still two months away even though ESPN has been shoving it down your throat since the Super Bowl ended. You'd think they make a lot of money off that league or something?

Anyway, I'm ready for college football. EA Sports' latest college football edition is out and I've started a new dynasty with the best young team in the country - the University of Miami. Ah, UM. My alma mater. There are very few programs in the country as storied as the Canes. There are probably less that are as under the radar as Miami. Miami is probably one of the most underrated teams in country this year and it shows with complete lack of respect and acknowledgment by the Lloyd's BBQ College Football Special crew. (I think I'm going to refer to that show by its full name for the remainder of this column. I'll give them the respect they didn't give Miami.)

Miami's new head coach Randy Shannon has brought some order back to south Florida. He's brought back pride to the program. He's brought back discipline (no more surnames on the back of the jerseys). And he's brought back some huevos to the UM head coaching job. I'm sorry, Larry, but you were too much of a pushover with zero killer instinct. Coach Shannon is a Miami guy through and through. He grew up there (without a father mind you - he was shot and killed when Randy was just 3 years old), he played for the Canes in the mid-80's and was a starter on their 1987 National Championship team, he was brought on as defensive line coach and in 2001, defensive coordinator. The man is Miami football.

Shannon has already gotten Miami back on the right track without even having played a game yet. The reason: south Florida athletes. The pride of Miami has always been just that - Miamians themselves. UM has been notorious for recruiting heavily in Miami-Dade and Broward counties creating a monopoly of sorts on the fresh homegrown talent down there. However, after Butch Davis bolted for the NFL (by the way, he's rumored to get North Carolina back on track as their new head coach this year) Larry Coker opened the door for other schools to pluck south Florida talent away from Miami.

No more. Randy Shannon has already signed or gotten verbal commitments from dozens of four and five star recruits for 2007 and 2008 including blue-chip runningback Graig Cooper. I have to say, not only am I pumped for Coop DeVille (yea, that's his nickname) to amass sick yardage but the man is continuing some great tradition by wearing Willis McGahee's old number two.

Now with all this information about UM's new head coach and star young talent coming to the 305 (I haven't even mentioned stud quarterback Robert Marve out of Tampa) coupled with the storied history and national presence of the school, one would think that the Lloyd's BBQ College Special crew would touch on the Canes for a least a little bit. Nope. Tim Brando, Spencer Tillman (who?), and Terry Bowden combed over (yea, that's right - I made that joke again) every obvious issue about the upcoming season. I'll quickly go over them in case you've forgotten:

The SEC is still stacked with talent. The Big 10 is still boring and Lloyd Carr is still the Marty Schottenheimer of college football. USC is what Miami was six years ago complete with the able but completely overrated quarterback (you're telling me John David-Booty is starting on any other team in the top 10?). Virginia Tech is somehow flying under the radar because of the tragedy from last spring (how Metallica doesn't go to Blacksburg and play "Enter Sandman" live before the Hokies come out is beyond me). Colt Brennan won't win the Heisman even though he'll throw for seven kajillion yards. We still don't have a playoff system even though it makes every bit of sense as the BCS doesn't and it would make the conferences more money.

Yup, they pretty much covered all that. Well, they covered those topics but didn't say what really should be said as I just did. But you get the picture. But you see, they didn't talk about the Canes. They didn't mention them when they individually went over the pre-season All-Americans (Calais Campbell and Kenny Phillips were on that list). They didn't mention them when they talked about teams coming back from off years (I guess Miami's 7-6 record along with a disgusting brawl with FIU and shooting death of Bryan Pata wasn't enough to warrant mention). And they didn't mention Miami when talking about the new head coaches in college football.

What does all this mean? It means the Hurricanes have an extra chip on their shoulder. I don't know how many, if any, saw the Lloyd's BBQ College Football Special on ABC Sunday afternoon. I don't know if they saw the shoddy production and the bad editing. Maybe they didn't see the poor direction or the lack of proper fonts. Maybe they didn't see a completely uncalled for spectacle only meant to hawk some crappy barbecue food shamefully plugged every five minutes and ignored the obvious money the NCAA was giving some low brow production company, but I'll tell you what. I saw it. And Canes talk. I'm not saying I'm the reason the Canes will have an extra chip on their shoulder (as if they need it) but I am saying that someone in Coral Gables saw this show and I guarantee you it only served as another gallon of gasoline in tank that is the Miami football machine.

So thank you random production company. Thank you ABC for airing it. Thank you Tim, Spencer, Terry and random guy from the Sporting News who's name escapes me. You did a service to the Miami Hurricanes when you slapped them in the face. The entire nation of Hurricanes fans, students, and alumni thank you. Remember what happened last time Miami felt they were disrespected? They won a couple national championships.

The orange jerseys are back. The black socks and cleats are back. And you better believe Miami is back. Don't say I didn't warn you.

For The Record: Deep Fried American Dream

2007-03-22T22:53:00.000-08:00

I almost had it. Five in a row. I said I would do one article every day this week but Wednesday night was just brutal and I didn't have any time to write. So we'll go four out of five; not bad right?

I just got back from the gym so I feel this topic makes sense. Everything one does at the gym is in complete reaction and/or prevention of what I'm about to describe to you. We go to the gym to lose fat and build muscle. We go there to work our heart and get in the best shape we can.

So how's about a deep fried twinkie? How about a Krispy Kreme burger (a KK donut is cut in half and used as a bun)? Deep fried Snickers? No? None of these things sound like a good idea? Well, I'd say you're wrong but it's true. They are all definitely horrible for you. Almost as bad as skinny jeans. They are so 2006.

An independent league baseball team, the Gateway Grizzlies, have come up with a new food for their concession stands every year for the past three years. In 2004 it was a black angus hot dog with bacon, onions and cheese sauce. In 2005 it was a bratwurst with melted swiss and sauerkraut. Last year it was the Krispy Kreme burger aptly titled the Baseball's Best Burger. So what do they have on tap for 2007 that will perfectly tie in my opening four paragraphs? Why the greatest fried idea in history - deep fried White Castle burgers!!

Yup, you guessed it. Greatest idea ever. If you've never had a White Castle burger before you've never lived. And the frozen ones don't count. As tasty as those are they are nothing compared to the fresh ones. And those that say that the Krystal burgers are the same thing have never had a White Castle burger. They're phenomenal. You know how a lot of bars serve sliders or "mini burgers" as an appetizer? They're just full burgers cut into fours. But the idea comes from White Castle. They even made a movie about how great it is starring John Cho and Kal Penn. Which, by the way, there will be a sequel to in 2008 (Woo!).

Now assuming you've tasted heaven before, imagine those little burgers, battered mind you, and then deep fried. Wow. You can taste your arteries clogging. What a great feeling huh?! I figure if you do 20 extra sit-ups and run 10 extra minutes on the treadmill you'll be fine. Because apparently eating two of those burgers will run you 90% of your daily allowable fat intake.

The Gateway Grizzlies will be selling these delights for $4 (you get two). Oh, and if you want a cheese dipping sauce that's a dollar extra. You get that and a beer and you are a man. Forget bar mitzvahs or confirmation or any other religious crap like that. You want to put some hair on a young man's chest (and clog it at the same time!) you need to feed him this tasty meal. I'm considering making a trip to Sauget, Illinois just to try them out. Opening day is May 23. Goooooo Grizzlies!!

For The Record: American False Idol Revealed

2007-03-20T22:25:00.000-08:00

You've heard me say it before and I'll say it again: American Idol is a ridiculously pointless and flawed contest that is made for record and television executives and crappy reality TV junkies. I ran a long diatribe about this a couple years ago which you can read right here. And now it gets better.

The website VoteForTheWorst.com not only busts the whole show wide open exposing it for what it really is, but also allows you the viewing public the opportunity to get back at the producers who created this monstrosity.

The idea behind the site is to have everyone pool together and collectively vote for the most "entertaining" contestant possible and make them go as far as possible. This could be a really terrible singer or a drama queen or an ugly person or a complete idiot...or quadfecta. It really doesn't matter so much as the contestant keeps moving on as far as the votes will take them.

What is American Idol really? It's a reality TV show. That's it. Is there talent involved? Sure, some of the contestants are actually good singers. Does American Idol care? Eh, somewhat. They'd much rather craft an entertaining show with a bunch of great story lines that viewers will be able to gravitate to not unlike the serialized dramas we see on television these days a la Heroes, The Wire, The Sopranos, and Lost.

People were surprised and somewhat offended when they learned a few years back that Survivor wasn't really as "survivorish" as it was made out to be on TV. No one's going to be let starve or anything. But eventually people embraced the reality of reality TV at least for that show. Now, with the help of VFTW, the lid is popped off America's favorite television show. Click here to read about the truth about the audition process and how it's a randomized fraud that leaves thousands of potential singers with real talent out on the street.

I've always hated reality television and I've always hated crappy pop music so naturally hating American Idol made sense. Now there's a reason for everyone else to hate it - it's disingenuous and misleading. It's fake and only weeds out the singers the producers want you to vote on. VoteForTheWorst.com is all about fighting back. The Fox executives don't want oddballs and "humorous but just for kicks" contestants to go far but this site lets you stick it to the execs. Keep the oddballs in there. Keep the "real" talent the producers want cruising through on their heels.

Make the show funny for you if you can't fix the show completely (which no one can or will). If you can't win the war you might as well win a few of the fights. And if any show deserves to get kicked in the nuts, it's this one.

For The Record: Needles of Redundancy

2007-03-19T22:02:00.000-08:00

In the past two years the topic of steroids has been a major issue in professional sport. Major League Baseball has been in the spotlight what with Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and many others hittin' the syringe but this past season more reports of players in the NFL using steroids surfaced. I think people people aren't that surprised by these reports. Maybe a little with MLB players but most people probably wouldn't be surprised to hear about San Diego Chargers Shawne Merriman being caught using the needle.

Now, I'm not a betting man (ok, I am), but I would say that almost everyone with a brain cell would assume that professional wrestlers, perhaps in the WWE circuit, used the ol' HGH and other steroids. I mean, there are fewer things more obvious in the world than the idea of professional wrestlers using steroids. Well, guess what was headline news on ESPN.com Monday!?

Eleven wrestlers have been linked to using steroids. Whoa, hold on. You're telling me that I wasn't woken up at 4 a.m. and dragged out of my room while someone drives around my neighborhood in a pickup truck blaring out the news through a mega horn? There wasn't a four hour press conference on Anderson Cooper 360 about this?! I can't believe it.

Why is this news? Everyone already knew this. My roommate made a good point in that this feels like a story from The Onion. How incredibly dumb did the writer from the Associated Press feel when he wrote this story? Seriously. When he found out he was assigned to this story he must have had this conversation with his editor:

Writer: You want me to write a press release on what?
Editor: These eleven wrestlers. They are linked to steroids. Steroids is a big scandal in sports.
Writer: But they're wrestlers. [long pause] Oh wait, you must be junior varsity Greco-Roman wrestling at some high school right?
Editor: No, WWE.
Writer: Mother of...

Thanks, AP! Way to break the news! Make sure you guys get someone to break open the "cigarettes are bad for you" case. Quick, before I head to my local package store and pick up a pack of Marlboro Reds unfiltered.

For The Record: March Madness Makes Me Mad

2007-03-18T23:42:00.000-08:00

After a bit of a layoff, we're back. I'd make up some ridiculously crazy story about how I went on vacation for Spring Break (regardless of the fact that I'm no longer a collegiate scholar though I still drink like one) and then was kidnapped after having passed out on the beach via a mojito induced temporary coma, but I figured you probably wouldn't believe that. No, family and friends were in town and I figured I deserved a bit of a vacation anyway. Ok, I didn't but whatever. I'm back and to make up for the lapse I'm going to post a short column every day this week. Here we go!

What is up with March Madness? I cannot figure this damn thing out. Every year I convince myself that I've picked the right sleepers, the right George Masons if you will. And every year I manage to pick incorrectly. Or if I do pick a couple upsets right (Wichita State last year, VCU this year) I end up getting screwed on one of my Final Four picks and the entire bracket goes to shit.

The trick is get out of the first two rounds with at least 12 of your Sweet 16 still alive and all of your Elite 8. I didn't manage to do that this year. This year I leave the second round with only half of my Sweet 16 intact and that includes only six of my Elite 8, three of my Final Four and my national runner-up. Thanks Wisconsin!

It wasn't all bad though. The very first day of the tournament (which should be a national holiday) produced the best thing of the entire tournament including whatever transpires the rest of the way: Duke lost in the first round...to a mid-major school! Oh yea, and I picked it. Virginia Commonwealth sent the Blue Devils packing and I couldn't have been happier. I threw a magazine clear across the room in celebration when it happened. I'm sorry Brody's Men's Health.

You either love Duke or you hate them. Most people hate them. Well, basically if you didn't go to Duke you hate them. My hatred for Duke started when I was but a wee lad. UConn was playing Duke in the Elite 8 and were up by two with just about a second to play. Inbounds pass to Christian Laettner who throws up a three from the wing and swishes it home as time expires sending my beloved Huskies home. This was 1990 and it was really the first time UConn was good at basketball. The next season Duke sent the Huskies packing again. On top of this, my favorite basketball player of all time is Michael Jordan. Where did the Bulls star go to school? The University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill. If you know anything about college basketball you know UNC and Duke are fierce rivals. There are only a handful of rivalries that are in the same ballpark intensity wise. So naturally I have a hatred for this school.

So Coach K, even though I won't be making it to the Bracketology finals this year, neither will you. And I will gladly agree to never win it if Duke never does either. See, I can pull the positive out of a negative!

The Over/Under: February 2007

2007-03-02T00:04:00.000-08:00

I'd like to point out before we move on that I made the mistake of being distracted when I wrote Tuesday's Oscar column because I completely messed up the Best Song category. I said I couldn't understand how a Dreamgirls song didn't win and that Melissa Etheridge's song from An Inconvenient Truth did. I failed to remember that Dreamgirls would suffer from the Ralph Nader syndrome of having all their votes split amongst them leaving a lesser nominee with the win a la Dubya in 2000. Whoops, sorry.

Underrated

Americone Dream - This should be obvious. I mean, hell. If you take one look at my MySpace page you'll know one of my heroes is Stephen Colbert. The man brings the truth...or something like it. If you took what Bill O'Reilly and all the other ridicu-f**ks at Fox News and other stations say on a regular basis and then mock it, that'd be the truth. And now that glorious sense of mockery and punditry, or "punkery" (patten pending), is in a delicious ice cream flavor. The fine folks at Ben & Jerry's, namely Ben (I hear Jerry's a prick), came up with a delightful new flavor which consists of vanilla ice cream (for the Caucasian in Stephen), fudge (since he has a black friend...or used to), and pieces of sugar cone (presumably the sweet, sweet invisible exoskeleton of Stephen). All I know is I'm gettin' me a pint!

The Academy - Bravo, Academy. Of course I'm referring to the the Academy that dishes out the Oscars. If you read the previous article, and you better have you son of a bitch, you know how well the Academy did this year picking the winners. And by "did so well" I mean they picked the films I felt were deserving. Because seriously, is there another opinion as worthy of the Academy to listen to? With Marty, The Departed, Forest, and An Inconvenient Truth all winning, the world was set right. Hell, let's even throw Helen Mirren in there even though she was a mortal lock. After last year's catastrof**k with Crash winning and everyone sucking off Sideways (I refuse to admit that was legitimately entertaining even without having seen it), the Academy finally remedied their mistakes and picked solid flicks this year. Way to sack up, guys. You're still on my shit list for snubbing Sacha Baron Cohen though. You should have at least nominated him over Ryan Gosling. Come on!!!

SoCal - It seems that this is one of the few places not experiencing God's (and I use that term extremely liberally) galactic wrath. I keep hearing about biting cold in the northeast, blizzards in the northern plains and Colorado, and tornadoes in the south and Florida. It's been somewhat chilly here. In fact, I've been genuinely cold at times. And by "I've been cold" I mean it's been like 50 something degrees and I've been a major hatchetwound. It's always sunny here, doesn't rain for months at a time (although April is the rain month), and it rarely gets below 65-70 during the day even in the winter. Of course, with my karma, there's going to be a 8.5 earthquake any day now. Hell, this area is so overdue for one it's ridiculous. Northridge in 1994 is the last. But until I'm huddled in my doorframe for 30 seconds I'll take this place over any in the country. Even Miami, which I love. Ok, maybe I'd live there too.

Overrated

Britney Spears - I suppose this is an obvious choice. And I also suppose I could have put her in the other half of this column. She's a never ending punchline of awesomeness. But on the other hand, and the reason why she's here and not up there, is that deep down inside, at least for this heterosexual boy, I love her. Not, like, actually...but like, only when she's lying down. Ya know, pre-Fed and babies...when she was still hot. And before the leukemia 'do and in between the Vegas trips with Paris and right after she dumped K-Fed there was a brief moment where she was getting hot again and about to hit up the 305 with Scott Storch and make her return. She would have a hot single, a hotter video, and another legion of adolescent boys (and myself, no we're not the same) dying to give her Hepatitis C. Um...I don't have Hepatitis C. Seriously. I'm just saying, there was hope. Now, man, I don't know if we'll ever know that joy again. Put your praying gloves on, people.

Anna Nicole Coverage - Really, news stations? Really?! Iraq? Iran? Darfur!? No? None of these are more important than around the clock coverage of someone that never did anything more important than star as Tanya Peters in Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult. I'm just shaking my head. I shouldn't even have to say anything about this because it's so ridiculous. Enough with all this nonsense. Bury her next to Marilyn Monroe like she wanted and give the baby to Larry Birkhead because it's obviously his. Case friggin' closed. Let's all move on. Oh, and I wouldn't put it past Howard K. Stern to have murdered her. Definitely possible. All of his money came from her and his mother. The guy is a Grade A douche. Ok, I'm done.

Playing Porn Loudly - I debated on this one for a while. I'll explain. Recently a man in Wisconsin attempted to stop a man from raping a woman. Only problem was, no one was being raped. He mistook cries of pleasure for cries of pain. When he heard the screams in the apartment above him he bolted upstairs to stop the atrocity...but not before he grabbed his trusty cavalry sword. He busted the guy's door down and demanded to know where the girl was keeping the sword aimed at the pornviewer's jugular the whole time. Minutes later James Van Iveren realized he crashed an orgy for one and not sexual assault. He feels kind of dumb about the mix up. Now I say I debated this for a while because I thought about making "trying to stop rape" and going on about minding your own damn business the subject. Then I decided I'd probably enjoy the view from outside hell a little better even if that was the funnier route. As Aerosmith once said, "I'm livin' on the edge!"

oscar wrap up

2007-02-26T18:40:00.000-08:00

Tis the season to be jolly, fa lala la la lala la Oscaaarrrs. Ok, maybe that doesn't have the same ring. But nevertheless Oscar fever gripped Hollywood Sunday night as did the subsequent traffic jams. I'd say the extra 20 minutes to drive home from work through Hollywood and Highland was a blast but then I'd be throwing a heaving pile of cow dung in your general direction and my guess you wouldn't be too into that. You're not into that, right?

After I got over the traffic woes I gladly embraced the Academy Awards and all the ridiculous pre-show crapola. Ok, no I didn't. In fact, I don't understand why everyone gushes over the five different pre-show shows. Who's wearing what (pardon me, who) and all those wannabe reporters asking the same stupid questions they always do: "How do you feel right now?", "What's it like coming to the Oscars?", "Who on this carpet right now do you most want to impregnate?" Ok, maybe I made that last one up. But you know what I'm talking about.

There's one guy that was on the E! pre-show show (I don't know what they called it) that was more insufferable than any other red carpet reporter...and that includes Joan Rivers and Ryan Seacrest. I'm sorry, I have no idea what his name is and I literally spent an hour looking for it online to no avail. I do know three things though: he's fat, he's black, and he wore a purple tuxedo. Oh, and I think he might have been gay but that had nothing to do with the fact that he sounded like an autistic robot that had the interviewing skills of a magic eight ball. This guy makes the rest of the poor souls with autism look like Stone Phillips doing a double back handspring.

He called Will Smith, Jada Pinkett and their son Jayden (I refuse to list his 27 names) the first family of Hollywood. Come on now, we all know there's never been a black president. Although in his defense, I do like the allusion to a White House full of Barack Obama scent. The man has a might African-American musk. Just what this country needs.

Before we move any farther, I have to mention one fashion note. I hate to do this and it really was the only fashion fopaux I noticed because really, I never pay attention to this crap...uh, because no one should care. However, and I do apologize to her mammary glands in advance because I'll always love them, but Anne Hathaway's dress was hideous. Did you see this? Let me know if a giant on-top-of-the-Christmas-tree-bow is ever in style. I'll be sure to kill myself. Pressing forward.

Last year, one of my favorite television personalities of all time hosted - Jon Stewart. He did a great job despite mixed reviews from "professional critics" but this year the job was handed over to, and I'm proud and legally allowed to say this, my coworker, Ellen DeGeneres.

Ellen, to me, is like a toned down female version of Conan O'Brien. She peppered oddball jokes left and right and was even able to make a, yet predictable, joke about Al Gore being America's choice before that somehow I didn't see coming. She took the time to hand Martin Scorcese a screenplay that she "just happened to have lying around" when she went into the audience to talk to the legendary director. After that she went over to Clint Eastwood and asked for a picture but ultimately decided it'd look better if Stephen Speilberg took it. After asking him to take it again because she didn't like the first one (balls!), Eastwood asked why he didn't get a script from Ellen.

Later in the show she started vacuuming coming out of a commercial break and nearly ran over Penelope Cruz's obscenely long train. Vacuuming!? Definitely a Conan thing to do and she does it well. So kudos to Ellen, fabulous job.

Now on to what really matters. How I did picking the winners! Well, I did pretty well. Not as well as I'd hoped but well nonetheless. I haven't asked anyone else how they did so I'm going to assume I'm the best Oscar picker by default. Man, what a sweet word.

De-fault! (clap clap) De-fault! (clap clap)

I ended up 12 for 24 however I was six for nine in the main categories, those being (deep breath) Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Editing, Best Cinematography, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Documentary, and Best Director. I finished my round with four wins in a row (Actress, Actor, Director, Picture). Not that they were hard picks but hey, I still got them right. Some of you were probably all smug thinking, "hey, I'm gonna go for Little Miss Sunshine because it was the only happy film and the Academy wants something uplifting." Wrong! The Departed owned. And to all the people that thought Peter O'Toole would pull it out, please. You expect the Academy to vote for a 74-year-old man playing a pedophile you've got to be out of your f**kin' mind.

There was one happy surprise though. Dreamgirls barely got anything. Jennifer Hudson won for Best Supporting Actress (that one was decided about six weeks ago at the Golden Globes) and Dreamgirls won for Best Sound Mixing. Oooooooo, sound mixing! Excuse me while I beat off in the corner.

Dreamgirls also lost in the category he had all but sealed coming into the night - Best Original Song. Of the five nominees, it owned three of them! And all three lost...to a lesbian singing about global warming! So three black women lost to one white lesbian woman. Man, that shit is racialist! Man, three minority credits (times three entries!) vs. two? Dreamgirls had that one wrapped up. Just goes to show you the power of Al Gore and sweet muff-on-muff action. Go get 'em Melissa! Break down those barriers!

The saddest moment all night, however, was when the Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay was given out. The honor went to The Departed and though it did deserve the honor, the Academy, in my mind, would have restored its collective cojones, if you will, if it had chosen Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Alas it did not and so we cannot call the film an Oscar Winner. However, we can say it was an Oscar nominee and a Golden Globe winner. Take that Notes On a Scandal! That Judi Dench...always so smug, what with her good acting and such.

Overall, I'd say I was pretty pleased with the evening. My picks were pretty spot on and the ones I missed were the ones I didn't care about (what are you gonna do about it Best Live Action Short - West Bank Story!?). Actually, that looked good; I want to see that.

Anyway, Marty Scorcese finally won (it's about friggin' time) and The Departed took a huge booze 'n blood filled dump on the competition despite Jack Nicholson's ridiculous new anti-hair do. Sorry about the imagery. I was just trying to think of what the movie was all about and then incorporate that into the film severely beating the competition. It came out a little grosser than I expected. Either way, gooooo The Departed and Marty Scorcese. Oh, and just for good measure, go me as well.

Read The Fine Print Before You Use Your Brain

2007-02-16T18:27:00.000-08:00

Idiots. They're everywhere. And this week featured two more high profile cases of such stupidity. Not only are they high profile idiots but they're both parents of preteens prominently involved in these cases. Now, I could have written a long diatribe about how the news networks are shoving this Anna Nicole Smith stuff down our throats (wait till the Over/Under) but I won't...at least right now. And besides, it's still too soon to be making the "like mother, like son" drug overdose jokes. Well, maybe not.

Anyway, back to the jackoffs that made the news this week. Our first ejemplo (that's "example" for you Spanish-retarded) is that of a father gone wild. We all know or had those fathers that made complete idiots out of themselves and embarrassed the entire family by being way too into their children's sports. Mom would berate the officials for not calling fouls on their son or daughter in a basketball game. They're worried they might get hurt! And well, moms will be moms. They're a rarity when it comes to this stuff. But dads. Man, oh man. Some dads are a wee bit past psycho when supporting their children.

(I recall a bit with Will Ferrell on Saturday Night Live where he would be having a conversation with another parent during his son's little league game and every time his son would step off first base he would yell, "Get back on the damn base! God!" It was pretty great. After 20 minutes of Youtube searching I came up empty but if it helps it was a subsidiary episode of the "Get off the damn shed!" sketch.)

They get really into winning and have the coaches' numbers on speed dial so they can both tell them new plays to run that they came up "in their spare time" and insist that their kid isn't getting enough playing time even if he or she's a starter. They're the ones that get kicked out of Little League games. They're the ones that insist on being an assistant coach when the team already has enough. They're the ones that teach their kids to throw curve balls when they're 10-years-old ruining their still-developing arms (can you spell Tommy John surgery by 17!?).

In this instance a father went too far. Aurora, Illinois's Ray Hoffman attacked his son's opponent in a wrestling match. His son was wrestling another 11-year-old when the referee was about to stop the match because the opponent was using an illegal pinning technique. Right after the referee blew the whistle to disqualify the opponent Mr. Hoffman took it upon himself to barge onto the mat and throw his son's opponent clear across the mat and storm toward the opponent's father who just happened to be video taping the whole thing. Can I get a slow clap please? You can view that lovely footage right here.

We go from an overzealous father to an overzealous 13-year-old girl. With her name not released due to her age, we'll call her Sandy. Sandy Vagina...what? It's Dutch.

So Sandy's parents are now in a legal battle with MySpace. What else is new? The Vaginas are seeking damages because they feel MySpace doesn't do enough to keep children safe from online predators. Same old song and dance, right? Why's this in the "stupid people" article? Well, the Vaginas don't seem to care that their 13-year-old daughter was dumb enough to forge her age when registering with the social community website (MySpace says you need to be 14 and at that age only your confirmed friends can view your profile). Sandy said she was 18. She then befriended a 19-year-old guy and eventually, as 87% of MySpace-originating relationships end, had sexual discussions with him.

Somehow in all of this she reported the 19-year-old as sexually harassing her. Whether it was consensual and the parents just freaked or if he really did harass her is for you to ponder. Either way the Vaginas want "straight cash homie" from MySpace. They took it to court...and were soundly defeated. Owned, Vaginas! (I've always wanted to see that in print.)

The judge ruled in favor of MySpace because "as an 'interactive service,' MySpace was protected from materials posted on its site by the Communications Decency Act (CDA) of 1996." Suck on that, family Vagina! (Same parenthetical comment as last time.)

The lessons here are well-taught and easily learned: 1) calm down - it's just amateur youth sports and 2) teach your kid forging legal information and then trying to accuse someone else of sexually assaulting you is ridiculously stupid. I could say "if you fake the age you deserve the sexual assault"...but I won't. Will I? Ugh, stupid political correctness. Ok, fine I won't say it. But please, think about what you're doing before you try to fix your problem. The brain is a powerful tool. Charge the batteries with some knowledge. (Oh, and I'm copyrighting those last two sentences. Steal them and I'll take you to court!)

2007-02-08T19:12:00.000-08:00

Ladies, if you hooked up with Doug Stanhope would you admit it? Let me rephrase that question: do you know who Doug Stanhope is? Well, Doug Stanhope is a comedian that was one half of the second team that hosted "The Man Show" (you know, when it stopped being funny) and then started hosting episodes of Girls Gone Wild. Remember him now? Well, if you hooked up with him would you admit it? Most girls wouldn't. Most girls wouldn't hook up with him in the first place but if you did, I doubt you'd admit it. Well, welcome to a place that leaves you completely anonymous to do such things - Stripperweb.com.

This is a website made for strippers to talk amongst themselves about anything and everything in their personal and professional lives. The topics range from tips on making more money on stage to their favorite kind of phallic object to politics (!). Yup. This site is filled with girls that strip and girls interested in what strippers have to say on a vast range of topics usually centered around dancing and sex...not surprisingly. Now what do you think makes this website CPunch worthy? I happened to be doing research for this lovely article and my roommate pointed out that there was a certain forum on the message board that was titled "Ever had sex with a celeb?" That's where Stanhope comes in.

Now you've got your usual NBA players, NFL players, musicians and then you have Doug Stanhope. Really, badpixie, really? Unbelievable. The only names of interest that I found while perusing the forum were Jonathan Davis of Korn (who apparently loves strippers), the singer from Alien Ant Farm (who's an cocky asshole), and, I kid you not:

"If you count the drummer from Cracker as famous, then yes, I have (you know they had that one song that was like, "Be with you girl, like being low, hey hey hey like being stoned) But my friend f**ked Colin Farrell which is way cooler."

Faaaaantastic.

If we have any college football fans here, this girl said:

"I gave a LD [lap dance] to Major Applewhite a few years ago. Not exactly celeb. Oh and that guy from Cheaters."

Though not technically sex, the fact that she considers University of Texas's overrated quarterback from a few years ago a celebrity is funny enough to mention. Oh, and that guy from Cheaters (laughing uncontrollably).

As previously advertised there is a forum in which all the girls discuss the male sex organ and how they like it. Some of their responses may surprise you; some won't. I'll take the very first poster's comment though to basically summarize what the thread's consensus is:

"I like my d**k like I like my stripper heals.

Under 6" and they need something special for me to find them sexy.

Over 6" and I cant handle them and they are uncomfortable.

Thats my new motto on penii."

So there you go boys, six inches is the new black. Just make sure you're not an arrogant douchebag that can't properly work your junk.

In case you want to further peruse the forums and read more about what these girls think, most of what I've been talking about is in the "Ladies Only!" section (it's called that because guys can read but are not allowed post).

There was a common theme going through a lot the threads on the site. Most girls seemed to revel in their sexuality and were very open about what they want and how they like it. And see guys, these are the girls we leer at and say to ourselves, "good god, she's hot" and never think we'll have a chance with. Well, a) you do have a chance if you're not an arrogant jerk and b) learn to play the guitar. It seems that it really can be that simple. And this is from their mouths; this isn't my opinion. I know, "wow, you're writing about something that isn't your opinion!?". It's incredible and it probably won't happen ever again but this is the ladies point of view. At least, the ladies that are gorgeous enough to get propositioned by America's celebrities. You've got to think that girls that aren't are probably a little more lenient, eh? Glass half full, gentlemen. Glass half full.

Girls, if you disagree with this you're either lying, inexperienced, fugly, or a raging bitch. Or possibly a combination of those. And if you are, don't worry, there's a guy out there for you. But I can't guarantee he'll have a job, smell nice, or not give you chlamydia. Food for thought. See all you crazy lovers out on the dance floor!

over/under january

2007-02-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

Super Bowl Sunday is right around the corner so I might as well make my pick for this year's edition before we get to the Over/Under. If you're not a sports fan you can skip to the bottom however if you do so a dozen kittens will meet their demise. I'm not kidding. I know a guy. Maybe you should just keep reading.

Here's the thing that bothers me. Well, there are a few. Peyton Manning is involved. Everyone is going bananas over this whole "first Super Bowl with two black coaches" thing, everyone is sucking off the Colts.

Peyton Manning has not won a big game yet. He didn't win a National Championship at Tennessee and he hadn't won a meaningful NFL Playoff game until two weeks ago against the Patriots. Of course, the Pats were a couple of penalties away from having that one sewn up as well (again). I don't have a problem with Peyton Manning personally at all. In fact, from what I've seen I think he's very likable guy and his endorsements are always amusing. How many times have you turned on the television and watched one of his MasterCard commercials and not chuckled? He's so friggin' goofy that he makes those ads work. In fact, at this point I'd rather see a Peyton Manning commercial than him play football.

Now don't get me wrong, he's a helluva quarterback...for fantasy reasons. He puts up the stats like nobody's business. But thing is, he's a robot, if you will. He seeks out the highest percentage receiver and throws him the ball. He rarely forces the ball into tight spots if he has to. Championship quarterbacks do this. They play with their gut as much as their mind. This is why that sweet piece of manmeat known as Tom Brady has won three of the last five Super Bowls.

Not only all of this, but he's facing one of the top two defenses in the league this season. The Bears are good. Really good. I know Peyton beat the best defense (the Ravens) on the road before the AFC Championship against New England. But that's because Baltimore has no offense and couldn't put up any points on the board. The Ravens held Manning and the Colts to five field goals! Peyton's stats were as follows: 15-30 (his second worst pass % all season), 170 yds (his second worst yds/game all season), 0 touchdowns, and 2 interceptions. His quarterback rating was a dismal 39.6, easily the worst he had all season. Now he's facing a Bears defense that has had to hear critics pick against them for three straight weeks (against New Orleans and the past two leading up to the Super Bowl). You don't think those boys are pumped up? Whoa, docta. I refuse to pick Manning unless he plays well in this game and wins it. Then I'll buy into him.

Then we have the Tony Dungy (Colts coach) vs. Lovie Smith (Bears coach) thing. Yes, I completely agree this is great that two black coaches are in the Super Bowl for the first time but do we really have to harp on this so much? There have been black coaches in the league for a while now and many of them have been very good. Why are we acting like this first is like Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in baseball? Yes, it's great that we've finally had two black coaches in the big game. Now let's move on, to ya know, the game. I'm sure these coaches feel very similarly. They are proud that they are involved in this first but really, let's get to what matters here. I'm sure they'd rather be focusing on their game plans than having to talk about color barriers to every damn reporter that get two minutes with them. It's enough guys. Great story but the real story is the game.

Now my next point draws upon my first a little bit. Everyone is picking the Colts. Everyone. I just can't bring myself to do it. Logically speaking, of course. On top of this, though, I'm so sick of people gushing over Peyton Manning that I actually want the Bears to win so that Peyton Manning fails and continues to prove my (and many others') point. Plus, how can you not root for a team that had the greatest team choreography in NFL history (the Super Bowl Shuffle) and has the most electrifying player in the league (Devin Hester) that happens to be from your alma mater? Yea, this one's a no brainer.

Bears 34, Colts 26

Underrated

Netflix - My roommate received a subscription to Netflix for Christmas and I've been reaping the benefits since we both got back to Los Angeles. Not only have we blown through season 1 of the critically acclaimed "The Wire" (which by the way, I can't believe I didn't start watching until now), but we've checked out under-the-radar flicks like Who Killed the Electric Car? and This Film Is Not Yet Rated. Two outstanding documentaries that got hardly any marketing muscle behind them which we will touch on later. Season two of "The Wire" is on deck as well as The Departed (Oscars article preview!) and Idlewild. Netflix is great because you are able to catch up on films you forgot to see in theaters in basically a week. Watch the movie and mail it out in the same day and you've got a new movie in two days. Just tremendous. Kudos to you, Netflix.

Cuban Doctors - But only for unintentional comedy's sake. We all know how Cuban dictator Fidel Castro is basically on his deathbed. He's had a number of operations to help stabilize him but the most recent had a hilarious twist to it. It seems Mr. Castro had an infected rectal area. How? I'm not quite sure; I didn't really feel like figuring that out. What I do know is that during the operation doctors fabricated and inserted an artificial anus into el presidente. Yea, you read that right. What that is or what it looks like I don't know. What I do know is that it's friggin' hilarious.

F**k the Movies - This isn't what you think. Well, it kind of is. The site iFilm.com is hosting an online series of called "F**k the Movies" in which these two jerkoffs critique movies that almost invariably end up with "f**k this movie". Many times they don't even see the entire movie but find ways to adequately judge the film. It's crass. It's crude. And it makes me think about as little as I have to while ripping crappy movies. I love it.

Overrated

Boston - Why does an entire city get on my shitlist? Well, they overreacted. Many of you have heard of the cartoon block called Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. It's from 11pm to 2am approximately on Sunday nights and has many different cartoons including the very popular "Aqua Teen Hunger Force". Well, to promote the show (and the upcoming movie), Cartoon Network decided to launch a marketing campaign where two of the show's intergalactic stars get a lot of face time. The Hunger Force's primary annoyances/foes are aliens from the moon called Ignignokt and Err. They are two dimensional Atari liked creations that pester our heroes throughout the show. They also have a propensity to flick everyone off. So, the ATHF team decided it'd be funny to make big glowing silhouettes of each of these characters flipping the bird on billboards and other advertisements around the country. I saw these billboards in Los Angeles and assumed other cities had been privy to this strange yet hilarious marketing campaign. Boston didn't get the memo apparently. To be fair, the ads in Boston were in delicate places like subway stations and bridges. That wasn't the smartest idea. But still - you need to understand that it's a neon cartoon. There wasn't a need to freak out especially since no other city in the country ever reported anything like this.

MPAA - This one stems from the film This Film Is Not Yet Rated. Without getting into too much detail or giving anything away (you should really just rent the flick), I'll tell you this. The people who rate every movie that comes out are anonymous. There are about 10 people that are supposed to be ordinary parents judging the films according to what they think the average parent would think when considering to let their children see a screening. There are so many things wrong with this. One of them being that almost all of them have children over the age of 20 and more often than not a film is deemed NC-17 vs. R because of sex - not violence. You may have already figured that last part out but the film will expand on the idea and make you realize the depth at how ridiculous this secret club of critics is. There's only one thing that's more overrated than the MPAA.

Those Who Oppose Hybrids - Again, drawing from a film I watched this month called Who Killed the Electric Car?, I realized that there was a great technology available to us that was squashed. At the risk of sounding too much like a hippie, I need to mention that the next car I want is the brand new Dodge Challenger that will appear next year. It's a muscle car. I'm not hypocritical, though, because I'll likely not get it and understand the importance of electric cars and hybrids. This documentary shows who's responsible for killing the electric car which actually started when the internal combustion engine was born but was killed off a few times before it ever became as mainstream as it did in the mid to late 90's. General Motors' EV1 was the electric car; the thing was quick and sleek. But it was phased out along with other electric cars for no reason and ultimately destroyed in junkyards in Arizona. The automakers, the government (thanks to our friend Dubya and the gang), and the oil companies couldn't make a profit if internal combustion engines weren't selling. Yup, profit vs. protecting the environment. And now the earth has a terrible fever, demonstrated by Al Gore's documentary from last year, and the recent report from France that even Gore's estimation of global warming's effect was worse than we thought! Watch this film and you'll realize how badly we need hybrids and how little we need Hydrogen fuel-cell cars. This isn't just some conventional argument against the government; we have plenty of beef with them. This one actually concerns the entire planet and it's very serious. Once again our d-bag administration succumbs to the almighty dollar rather than what's good for humanity. Way to go, assholes.

2007-01-18T22:42:00.000-08:00

In the year two thoooouuusand...and seven, many a movie film came out and the people cheered with great fervor and delight. These films are real films. Films with balls. Now you might be saying to yourself, "Jason, are you going to only tell me about films that you're going to want to see?" The answer, of course, is yes. But only because whatever I think is amazing, you should as well. If you don't, there's a good chance you think Save The Last Dance is a good movie and regard the three months you played with a Tamagachi as one of the best times of your life. Hate to break it to ya bub, but that's lamer than Stephen Hawking on horse tranquilizers.

The following are a few of the films I'm looking forward to in 2007. And by "I'm" I mean "you're".

Smokin' Aces - Jeremy Piven plays a crappy magician and a crappier con that decides to turn over evidence of a big time mob boss to the FBI. The Feds decide to this is a fabulous idea and protect him in Lake Tahoe. Of course, news of this spreads and freelance and organized assassins come for Buddy "Aces" Israel and the massive bounty on his head.

This movie looks pretty awesome for a few reasons: quick inventive editing, Jeremy Piven being a dick, beautiful Lake Tahoe, and a slew of stars looking to blast their way toward paydirt. Plus it sparks the film debut for one Alicia Keys. Odds that she will fall in and/or out of love? 13:1.

300 - The creator and co-director of Sin City is back with the cinematic version of his graphic novel of the same name. This movie tells of the Battle of Thermopylae in which King Leonidas and 300 soldiers fought against Xerxes (What a badass name. I'm naming my first born that.) and his massive Persian army.

All you have to do is click on the link and view the trailer and you'll see why I'm, I mean you're, so pumped for this movie. Go ahead, I'll wait. Ok, you see those visuals? Are you kidding me? I'm pretty sure my senses will melt under the sheer brilliance of it all like Peyton Manning in the playoffs (Patriots 23 - Colts 19, by the way). This is simply a good old fashioned bloodfest that's a great tale of the people of Greece coming together to save their democracy despite a more than formidable opposition. (Bush vs. the American people? Nah, too easy. Plus we apparently are too lazy to fight.)

The Simpsons Movie - Do I even have to write anything here? We'll move on.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Again, do I even have to write anything here? Well, alright. The Ninjas are back happily in all CGI's glory but sadly without Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap." A pity for sure, but anyone between the ages of 18-30 remembers the original cartoon series in the 80's and the original movies (the third counts as much as Rocky V counted in that series). This promises to be a fun romp for the whole family and a, possibly pathetic, delight for the aforementioned legion of dorks...myself included.

Reno: 911 Miami - If you've seen the television show then you know what to expect. Except multiply the funny by about 15 and that's what you've got right here. Add Miami's awesomeness and the plethora of hotties and you've got yourself a BEP'er (Bring Extra Pants - I just made that up; you like it?). If you're anywhere remotely fans of complex plots, sincerely brilliant acting, and smooth editing this is certainly not the movie for you. Volver is down the hall.

Transformers - Anyone who applied to the TMNT preview applies here. It's a battle of the Autobots (the good guys) vs. the Decepticons (...obviously). In short, the Decepticons want to destroy earth and the Autobots have been sent here to help protect us. And to add fuel to the fire (no pun intended), it's being directed by Mr. Let's-Make-Everything-Explode Michael Bay and produced by Steven Speilberg. And for you ladies out there, "Las Vegas"'s Josh Duhamel is in the picture. Oh, and the original voice of Autobot leader, Optimus Prime, is being done by the original actor, Peter Cullen. If you don't know who Optimus Prime is, here's a picture of my friend Rick from Halloween 2000.

Live Free or Die Hard - Bruce Willis is back as John McClane. I could not be happier. The Die Trilogy was quite possibly my favorite trilogy of all time and now it gets another fantastic installment. On top of that, Justin Long (Accepted, Waiting, Mac commercials), friend of the site and neighbor back home in Connecticut, is the second lead or the Ernie to Willis's Bert. Ernie was such a pussy. With this flick debuting on July 4th just like Transformers, one can only assume the testosterone level in America will nearly double what with these two flicks and thousands upon thousands of explosives being set off to celebrate America's birthday. I can feel my scrotum filling as we speak. Tremendous.

Honorable Mentions go to Balls of Fury, Shrek the 3rd, and Spiderman 3. They're gonna be good but not anything I'm willing to pawn my future ex-wife's engagement ring for.

2007-01-15T21:58:00.000-08:00

Coming off the heels of our nice little winter break, I decided to thaw everyone out with some hot and steamy women. I'm pretty sure it worked because I got overwhelming feedback about that article. I'm glad you dug it. This week we're going to switch gears from hot girls to hot films. I'm going to profile last night's Golden Globes today and switch gears and look ahead to the most anticipated films of 2007 (in my mind...and that have already been confirmed for release). Let's get the ball rolling, shall we?

Can we first please mention Sacha Baron Cohen? The man took down the joint Monday with his win for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical for his unbelievable performance as Borat. (If you haven't seen Borat yet you may want to sodomize yourself with a sandpaper covered cucumber.) My main man from Kazakhstan won despite valiant efforts from Will Ferrell (Stranger Than Fiction), Aaron Eckhart (Thank You For Smoking), Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean 2), and some guy named Chiwetel Ejiofor (Kinky Boots). Cohen threw down this fantastic speech. Note the fake Kazakhi national anthem played as he heads toward the stage.

If this man doesn't win the Oscar for the same category I may have go down to the Shrine Auditorium myself and kick some ass. The man is f-ing brilliant and really, he should win for best overall actor since he was so good as Borat he convinced regular people who were not acting that he was real.

I kind of figured Dreamgirls would win the best picture of the same category because really - were you going to choose Borat (the best comedy by far of the group) or a "highly acclaimed" flick starring Jamie Foxx and Eddie Murphy? I'll never understand why musicals are lumped in together with comedies. It taints the whole category. Yes, I'm aware I just said "taint."

As for everything else that happened Monday night. Warren Beatty's Lifetime Achievement Award speech (has he done anything since Bullworth?) was long and somewhat amusing despite not really making a whole lot of sense. But he did impersonate Borat so he gains points there.

Martin Scorsese finally won Best Director although it's not an Oscar...yet. He won for, what should be, the best picture of the year in The Departed. Hopefully the Academy will do what the Hollywood Foreign Press did not and make it their favorite. The HFP gave that honor (at least in the drama department) to Babel. I haven't seen it but I've heard mixed reviews. I hope to see all the Best Picture nominations before the Oscars to give you a full preview.

Other than that, Helen Mirren cleaned house for her portrayals of both Queen Elizabeth's (Elizabeth I - the miniseries and The Queen) while sporting some fantastic cleavage for an older woman. Kudos to you Ms. Mirren, kudos.

On the other hand, there were some losers. Well, not technically. "Grey's Anatomy" won best drama series and "Ugly Betty" won for best comedy series. Really? No, really!? Talk about two of the most overrated shows of the last decade.

The drama category featured "Grey's", "24", "Big Love", "Heroes", and "Lost." Let's go down the list here - I've never heard of "Big Love" and "Lost" (from what I heard) wasn't very good this year. That leaves "24" and "Heroes". Either one would have been fine with me as both are phenomenal shows. But "Grey's Anatomy"? C'mon now. Consider this, I didn't even realize that "McSteamy" and "McDreamy" were actual nicknames used in the show until about three weeks ago. I just thought they were Hollywood gossip magazine nicknames. But the actors in the show actually say these names. You have got to be kidding me. You lose sir, good day.

When it comes to the comedy category only two of the five nominees should even be on the list. "Desperate Housewives"? Yea, right. "Weeds"? Decent but not in the same ballpark as the top two. Those would be "The Office" and "Entourage". "Ugly Betty" isn't funny. It's the same old "pretty actress made up ugly" routine and it's boring. Who cares? "The Office" has been legitimately hilarious for three seasons now and it's brilliantly written. "Entourage" is punchline after punchline. The dialogue in the show is so quick and witty it makes my head spin sometimes. Plus, the only catchphrase that can come close to Kevin Dillon's "victory!" is Steve Carell's "that's what she said."

That's your basic rundown from this year's edition of the Golden Globes. Now that we've dealt with the best (and the actual best) of 2006, we'll examine what's coming up in 2007 that I feel is going to kick maximum ass. Until next time...

2007-01-10T23:31:00.000-08:00

Hey, welcome back.

Yea, we're gonna go ahead and ignore the fact that there isn't an Over/Under for December. Why? Because I didn't get back to this computer until late January 2nd and was pretty busy up until right now. On top of that I've completely forgotten what happened last month and at this point, who really cares anyway? Besides, what I have for you today is better than that anyway...well unless you're a girl...that's straight...and doesn't appreciate really beautiful women.

So, without further ado, for the first time since May of 2005, the Unknown Hotties List.

(in no particular order)

Sophia Bush - So maybe she isn't that unknown. But I didn't know who she was until I saw a trailer for The Hitcher. She's from Pasadena and quit USC after three years to play Brooke on "One Tree Hill" on the CW network. The coolest part about Sophia is that she was born exactly one day after me. I'm not sure if that's cool or just an odd coincidence that makes me giggle for no particular reason. Splitting hairs I suppose. She was married to Chad Michael Murray for five months for ending it and is now dating some actor named Jon Foster from the show "Windfall". Maybe I should use my connections at the "One Tree Hill" program and track her down. This Foster guy sounds like a tool. Ya know, because I've met him and all (cough).

Kristin Holt - Here's someone you probably have never heard of. She was a semi-finalist for the original American Idol and was also a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Now she's fogging up the cameras at the G4 Network for their show "Cheat!" which tells gamer dorks (I'm looking in your direction, Joey) all the best cheats and hits for their favorite games. So this girl loves video games, football and can sing her ass off. Not only that but she's Mexican and German. She loves her beer and guacamole. Move over Sophia, Kristin wins.

Katie Bowden - Katie, or Katrina as she's appropriately titled, plays Cerie on NBC's underrated comedy "30 Rock". Who's Cerie, you ask? How about the unbelievably hot blond secretary in the writers' room that Tina Fey's character has to constantly ask to dress more appropriately. I'm pretty sure she wore nothing bug a couple of strings and some Ugg boots and that was it. It may have been the greatest day of my life. Also, I'm well aware of the fact that she just turned 18 this past September which is 14 months younger than my sister...which is kinda gross. But I just find ways to ignore those kinda things.

Lillix - What the hell is that, you say? Well, technically they're four girls - not just one...or a weird cyborg vagina (I know you were thinking that). They're a rock n' roll band from Vancouver and they're actually pretty good. Not to mention I wouldn't kick any one of them out of bed especially the blonde vixen that is Tasha-Ray Evin. They're exactly what you think they are - Avril Lavigne meets Kelly Clarkson but with a splash of talent. It seems they actually know what they're doing and that's always refreshing in music. I'll admit I was sucked in by their hotness and then felt watching their music video was the next logical step. The girls can play. I'm pretty sure I originally heard of these girls when the Tasha was in a Acuvue contacts commercial like three years ago. How about that, eh? No? You don't care? Well, f**k you then!

Vera Jordanova - Pop quiz: this gorgeous 31-year-old Bulgarian a) isn't really 31 b) adorned last year's Maxim calendar July page c) secretly lusts for me. The answer is B although I'd like to believe C is possible. Vera will also be in Hostel II. Besides that she's mainly been in random European films that I cannot pronounce. And since I have nothing else to add, here's another picture of her. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the fine people at Expedia.com and book my flight to Finland.

2006-12-23T02:21:00.000-08:00

It's 2 a.m. here on the left coast and I've just gotten around to writing this damn thing. I apologize. At least you're getting it all! I'm losing sleep because of you people! By the time you read this I'll be on a cross-country flight back to the northeast for the Christmas festivities. So I'm here to spit out something really quickly so that I can get a tiny amount of shuteye before I have to board a plane that may or may not be delayed because it came from an airport under two feet of snow. Fingers crossed.

When you're sitting down to dinner this year with your family you should be thankful for everyone that's around you. Yea Jason, you told us this crap on Thanksgiving - we get it. Well, yes, but that doesn't make it any less true. Especially since you're not Muslim...and live in Indonesia. If you are, well then...uh, ignore the rest of this article.

I say this because the country of Indonesia as well as many other Asian countries don't celebrate Christmas in the traditional sense. They see Christmas as a western festival. But, seeing as how the Asians are always down for a party (?), they've decided to have big feasts in honor of a holiday they don't celebrate anyway. In these mostly non-Christian countries, including Indonesia which is the world's most populous Muslim state, the few Christians there celebrate Christmas by eating copious amounts of food. That's basically it. The difference, though? They eat pork dipped in blood and dog meat. Oh, and bats as well. Oh, and rats.

Yup, this is what they eat. And when they aren't eating that, many of them head to Kentucky Fried Chicken. And if you haven't reserved your chicken, you may not get to feast on Christmas day. Ya know, I always said it's not really Christmas if a random Asian can't get their hands on a KFC mashed potato bowl. It's just not fair.

Now I'm not saying the way these Asian Christians celebrate the man with the beard's birth is wrong. They can certainly do whatever they want. However, I'm rather content with my roast beef and creamed spinach and potatoes and ya know, normal food. I say "normal" because well, most of the "civilized" countries in the world tend not to eat things that are either referred to as "winged rats" or household pets. That's just not our style. But I'll be damned if I'm going to stop those people on the other side of the world from celebrating how they want. But I can certainly throw up at the thought of it in private.

What does all this mean? It means that there's a lot of f**ked up things happening in this world and many of them we don't personally agree with. But this time of year, if only this time of year, is the time when we need to say, "well, that's messed up to me but whatever." Ignore it. Be happy for what you have and enjoy the super sweet Best Buy giftcard you got from Aunt Jane this year since she finally realized you haven't worn Bugle Boy stretchwaist jeans since you were eight. At least she was trying.

Merry Christmas, all, and see you in the new year with the Over/Under.

2006-12-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered, "if I put my ipod in my blender, will it blend?" I know I have. Well, a man named Tom Dickson and his company Blendtec have wondered the same thing. In fact, they've wondered what else their ultra powerful blenders can blend. So they tested their blenders against everything one could think of that could fit in a blender (and even some that were a little too big!). Then they thought to themselves, "Our blenders are so powerful. But how will the wonderful American populous learn about them?" They had an idea (and inadvertently nominated themselves for the Underrated column for December 2006).

Willitblend.com

People, this is fantastic. I have never been more excited about a blender in my life. And probably for good reason; smoothies, though refreshing and delicious, are the devil's work. So to see trained professionals blending everyday household objects that have no business being remotely near a blender is a refreshing site of absurd, unnecessary entertainment. It's not a bad promotional tool either.

Tom and the Blendtec crew videotaped a whole bunch of random things that their new Total Blender (which I guess is their brand new top of the line household blender) could blend. Everything from an ipod to a rake to golf balls are blended among many other things. And the website conveniantly separates which entertaining examples can't be tried at home and which their lawyers find suitable for us mess around with. I love it.

My favorite part of the site though, is the suggestion box. You can suggest what you want to see Tom blend (or attempt to blend). Personally, I asked that they try and blend another one of their smaller Blendtec blenders. Don't know if they'll indulge me. Send in your suggestions though. You may want to steer clear of any obvious/hilarious suggestions like breast implants, dildos, or live animals. Awwww, live animals? Kidding. Friggin' PETA probably already had the first six digits dialed.

Last article of 2006 coming this Friday just in time for Christmas. For all my Jewish friends, I hope you're enjoying your latest installment of the festival of lights. Although if it were up to Iran's President Mamoud Amanadananayinajad, or however it's spelled (why should I even bother looking it up?) there wouldn't be such a thing. But Mr. President, without Jews we wouldn't have movies or television? And seriously, you'd have no one to hate. What would you do with all that spare time!? Exactly - you need the Jews just like nachos need cheese. Yea, you can eat the chips by themselves but that gets old quick. But add that cheese and bam, that's dinner, baby. Yes, I just compared Iran's hatred for the Jews to a cheap dinner at the movies. Such is life.

2006-12-01T19:22:00.000-08:00

Underrated

SmashPS3.com - How many of you are or know of someone that was dying to obtain a Playstation 3 this holiday season? As most of you know, only 400,000 units were distributed to the U.S. thus making the frenzy for the new Sony video game console bigger than a chance to win oral pleasure from Tera Patrick or Jenna Jamison (glory hole not included). With so many crazy fans and hopeful gamers waiting in lines around the country at Best Buy's, Circuit City's, and EB World Gamestop's days before the release on November 17th, it's easy to see how those people would be upset if someone managed to get a PS3, hold it up for all to see and then subsequently break the shit out of it. Well, that's what a few guys did. In fact they raised enough money to cover the cost of the game system as well as other expenses and then filmed the event for all to see. If watching gamer geeks freak out while a brand new PS3 that they covet getting destroyed in front of them isn't funny then I don't know what is.

Working Heat - Ok, so this is sort of an indirect nomination. I say this because of this story. A Georgia man got into a fight with his wife on Thanksgiving (he obviously didn't read my article that day) and eventually tried ending the squabble by putting his wife into their oven...while their five kids watched. (Slow clap.) They had left the stove on to warm the house (is this normal in the south?) and Mr. Jackson decided his wife should get a better look at the heating coils. Ya see, I have an oven, too. I don't think I've ever used it though. And I know I've certainly never used it to heat my house. I have a working heating system like (I hope) most Americans. How can you afford to leave the oven on all day but not keep the heat on? Do you even have heating ducts? I'm baffled by this one. All I know is that had Mr. Jackson had proper heating he never would have tried to stuff his wife in the oven thus saving his children the anguish of watching their father bake their mother like the turkey they ate just a few hours before. They could have watched their father beat their mother like the rest of the deadbeat husband and fathers do in this country. Call me old-fashioned...

1% Of The Internet - One percent. If you think about how many websites there are out there, that's a lot. And that one percent is entirely devoted to porn. That's just fantastic isn't it? You may be thinking to yourself, "Man, it feels like it should be a higher number than that." To you I say, "That's because all you do is crank it out to biracialteens4u.com and other porn sites." But I empathize with you. I mean, hell, one percent? Yea, it's a small number percentage wise but hey, it's still more than I'll ever get to.

Overrated

Michael Richards - Really Cosmo? Really?! Everyone knows Michael Richards went off at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood a couple weeks ago. It was ridiculous. It was uncalled for. And it was just plain offensive. And this coming from someone who just recommended a man beat his wife two paragraphs ago! (Kidding, of course) I'm not really sure where this tirade came from but at least Mel Gibson's got his back. He's come out in support of the one-time Seinfeld star. The video of the incident only shows him going off. I don't know what the tirade came from or what he was talking about prior to going off on black people but it doesn't matter. I can only assume Gibson's remarks about the Jews were similar in the offensiveness and sheer volume. Gibson blamed his rant on alcohol. After watching the video I wouldn't be surprised if Richards was hitting the bottle as well. But nevertheless, neither case warrants booze to be the culprit. When you're drunk you don't just belt out those kind of hateful words. They're already inside you. The booze just brings them out. On a good note though, Seinfeld Season 7 DVD sales are high!

Alabama - Yea, I'm just going to go with the whole state on this one. I can't figure out any other way to specify who's to blame for this one. I mean, when I read things about Alabama football fans whispering rumors to each other about highly touted coaches supposedly coming to coach their program based solely on the fact that their "tradition" comes from a twenty year stretch like 50 years ago, you know those people are a bit off. I mean, if you didn't know Alabamans...Alabamians, whatever...were a little off to begin with then maybe you live there. But this story takes the cake. A 19-year-old boy got into a fight with his brother over a girlfriend. Normal enough I suppose. What's not normal is the retaliation. Brother "A" decided to get back at brother "B" by raping their 45-year-old mother. Read that again. The kicker is that their mother was drunk and passed out on the couch and came to with her son presumably pounding away at her. That's right folks, Alabama - The Heart of Dixie!

Pop vs. Soda - I cannot tell you how much this one bothers me. Alabama, you're involved in this one, too. I think that's the first time something has been nominated twice in one Over/Under and both in the Over column. We all know how different regions of the country call soda by a different name. Some call it just plain "soda". Some call it "pop". Some even call it "Coke" despite Coke being a brand name and not a generic label for something. Well, the lovely folks at East Central University of Oklahoma, or as Stephen Colbert would say, "the fightin' Tigers!", took a break from "sooning" and pushing Native Americans off their land to do a little research and come up with a pretty little map breaking down, county by county mind you, how the country refers to soda as. Have a look for yourself. I've already succinctly explained why calling soda "Coke" is stupid but "pop"? Ugh, I think I hate that term just a tiny bit less. I don't know why but "pop" sounds ignorant to me. It sounds like you looked someone pouring some soda into a glass and saw the little bubbles popping and said, "der, them bubbles in the liquid is poppin' 'n junk!!". Obviously that's not how it came about (one prays), but it still makes me think of complete absurdity. You don't call a drink what it does; you call it what it is. I don't call milk "helps maintain healthy bones and teeth" tonic. Nor do I call beer "lowers your standards of the opposite sex while exuding your inner desire to berate minorities" juice. Seriously, people. It's called f**king soda. End the f**king list.

2006-11-21T23:25:00.000-08:00

Let me lead off the holiday by saying this: son of a bitch. It's just my luck that literally like two hours after I posted Monday's column News Corps. had to come out and cancel O.J.'s book and TV special. I had wanted to write it last week but of course I was too busy to get to it. Now I look like an idiot. Thanks a lot, Rupert Murdoch. I realize the special and book were ridiculous but you could have at least aired them so that I didn't look like a major douche. What an asshole.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

This year I figured I'd keep with the holiday spirit and write about some interesting facts about Thanksgiving. Then I thought about it for a minute and realized there's really only two, maybe two and a half, reasons why Thanksgiving is necessary (gluttony, football, and maybe to be thankful for what you have...a little).

What really matters though is the day after Thanksgiving. Ah, good ol' Black Friday. Best Buy, Circuit City, Target, Walmart and a slew of other retailers will be opening their doors as early as 5 a.m. tomorrow for your consumer needs. Because who really needs sleep when there's ridiculous bargains afoot? It'll be hard enough waking up tomorrow after paralyzing yourself with too much food and possible football injuries let alone doing so at the asscrack of dawn. But damnit, those bargains are awesome! Best Buy is selling select DVD's for four bucks! They've got a handful of flat panel HDTV's for under a grand and portable DVD players for 60 bucks. It's insane.

Capitalism never worked better than the day after Thanksgiving. You know all those crazy broads that rush those bridal dress stores when they have that one sale every year? Ok, now add everyone else to that equation and replace "bridal dresses" with super sweet electronics and the multimedia you can jam into them. This is basically what Christmas has come to.

"Yea yea, we know, Jason. Christmas became a Hallmark/yay-capitalism holiday years ago."

But look at it again. From a distance. How many people that celebrate Christmas even bother going to church on Christmas Day? How many people that celebrate Christmas have gone to church in the past year? How many people that celebrate Christmas even consider themselves even remotely religious regardless of what sect of Christianity they're from? It's mindboggling how far the holiday has come from what it's based on. I haven't been to church on Christmas Day since...hell, I can't even remember. I'm going out on a limb and saying nine years ago. Maybe 10.

Not only that but I learned that one of my new coworkers celebrates Christmas...and she's Muslim (!). Exqueeze me? Baking powder? I thought you said your Muslim friend celebrates Christmas. I had to ask her a couple times to make sure I was hearing right. The thing is she's about as Muslim as I am Catholic. She's Persian and Muslim. I'm Italian and Catholic. Technically. But neither one of us really pays attention. It's that exact apathy or indifference or laziness or whatever you want to call it coupled with the fact that Christmas has become nothing more than another excuse to buy a bunch of crap no one really needs (except new boxers and socks, I really do need more of those). So why not? Why can't my friend celebrate Christmas? When asked why she said it was because Christmas is fun. It's true, Christmas is fun. It's fun because get to buy stuff for our family and friends and in turn they buy us stuff. Yea we have dinner and catch up and all that jazz but shouldn't that kind of family stuff happen more often anyway? You know, without the alibi of gift swapping?

The point is...Thanksgiving is quick. Thanksgiving is what it is and as soon as the Chiefs and Broncos end their game tonight it's all about Christmas. The next 30 days are all you have left to buy and spend and buy. And what better way to capitalize on that capitalism then with a blowout sale at every major retailer?

If you're one of those people that "sure as shit doesn't roll on Shabas" then listen here. You know it, I know it, we all know it. Hanukkah is only as popular as it is because somewhere down the line someone complained that all their Christian friends were getting presents for Christmas and they weren't getting squat for Hanukkah. I'm not degrading the holiday but you yourself know it doesn't hold a candle to Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. But feel free to include yourself in this conversation because to an extent Hanukkah has become just as commercialized. Although I'll give you props for keeping it more kosher than we keep Christmas. So kudos to you. You know I love ya.

So I guess what I'm saying here is this; enjoy the holiday for what it is. Don't enjoy it halfheartedly while really worrying about tomorrow and all the "sick deals" you'll get when you're gorging yourself in the xBox 360 department. Take a break and enjoy your company, the food, the football and the fact that you are able to enjoy all of it. Maybe that sounds sappy but I know I'm thankful that I have the ability to have three rim to rim plates of food with three pieces of pie and five glasses of wine while watching my beloved Cowboys beat the crap out of the Bucs in high definition television. I'll worry about Christmas and the commercialism I have to endure when it matters...on December 23rd.

2006-11-19T19:56:00.000-08:00

As you've probably heard by now, O.J. Simpson will be appearing in a two part special airing on Fox next week called "If I Did It, Here's How I'd Do It". This is, of course, referring to the murders of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman of which Simpson was both acquitted. Those murders happened some 12 years ago and apparently after all the legal battles and what not O.J. has run out of money.

Some people say O.J. has problems staying out of the spotlight. I say the spotlight craves him. Some say that this special (and the supplemental book) is a confession. I laugh at the notion. O.J. confessing to crimes that he's already been acquitted of? That's ridiculous. Why even with the double jeopardy rule that would leave him completely free to confess to the murders, of which we already know he's innocent, O.J. wouldn't gain anything from such a confession besides a smug sense of satisfaction that he's beaten a flimsy court system. And I mean, seriously, what's the fun in that?

No, O.J. is here to help. After all, the search for the real killers that Simpson initiated himself 11 years ago hasn't revealed much - just some cut-up Titleists and some poison ivy. He's taking the next logical step in finding the person or persons who committed those heinous crimes. By reenacting, pardon me...by hypothesizing how the two victims were killed through television, he's letting everyone else out there who may not know much about murders (the man was in a double murder trial for over a year) what clues the real killer(s) may have left behind for us to find. See? It's all so simple. O.J. uses his homicide knowledge to illustrate how the killer or killers probably committed the crimes so that the general public can aid him in finding the real murderer...or murderers.

And not only is O.J. such a giving and helpful soul but he's also looking out for the hearing impaired. Why else would he release a book about the same topic as the television special on the same day? Deaf people can't hear his professional interpretation, his perceptive analysis of these crimes. So he goes the extra mile and writes it all down so everyone, even those without their sense of hearing, can help in the hunt for the self-righteous asshole that murdered his former wife and her mister. Is it "mister"? I know it's "mistress" when it's a woman that the husband is committing adultery with but what is it when the wife is committing the adultery? It's gotta be "mister". I'm sticking with that.

I applaud Mr. Simpson in not giving up the fight. He weathered the storm of a criminal trial, donated millions of dollars to the Goldman family out of his own generosity and even moved to south Florida to leave the fine people of Brentwood without the burden of a double-murder trial spotlight. Lord knows that must've been obnoxious. Mr. Simpson is a very generous man and now he's reaching out once again to help solve the crime 12 people failed to solve themselves 11 years ago. This search is dedicated to you Johnnie Cochran. You're up in Heaven presumably saving other alleged celebrity murderers from the chair. If not for your successful crusade for the truth 11 years ago O.J. couldn't be out there right now...on television...making money...and telling America how he would have killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, you know, had he done it. God bless the American court system and God bless O.J. Simpson.

(Ok, Mr. Simpson, I said what you wanted me to say. When do I get my $5000?)

2006-11-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

I really don't know where to begin. The last seven days proved to be one of the most interesting and exciting in recent memory and it all started with Borat last Friday.

Every once in a while a movie comes out that is anticipated that it sells out everywhere. Borat was no exception. The incredible buzz and reviews coupled with Fox only showing the movie on 837 screens meant sellouts across the country. Needless to say, my roommate and I ended up settling for the 12:20am showing here in Hollywood. Of course there was a line to get in and we had to sit way in the back. I was amazed we even found two seats together. Now I, being a huge Borat fan and using him as my Halloween costume idea, had the accent, the phrases, and the manorisms down to a tee. However, I must say that I refrained from yelling out "Jagshemash!" or "sexytime!" in the crowded theater as the film began. I do have some sort of self control. And I'm not that big of a d-bag.

The movie itself was hilarious. It's as simple as that. If you haven't seen it you need to. I will not recite anything from it as I do not want to ruin anything for anyone. I will say this though - I would have liked to seen a little more personal interaction of the unsuspecting kind but I understand there had to be some semblance of a plot for Borat to last 90 minutes. Also, being such a massive Borat connoisseur I had an idea of where he was going with certain pranks and what not so I wasn't as surprised when he let out the punchline. Someone who knows nothing about Borat will undoubtedly need to bring an extra pair of trousers as they will soil theirs. Four stars all around.

Continuing on through the week we come to election Tuesday. This was a big one, folks. Usually midterm elections are boring, uneventful, and largely insignificant. This one was not. Not only did the Democrats take control of both houses of Congress but they did it without ever announcing what their plans were to get out of Iraq, fix the budget, deal with immigration, etc, etc. All you need is an incompetent, stubborn, condescending president and a few corrupt congressmen. It's like the office supply store Staples, "yea, that was easy." For the Republicans to have kept control of Congress they would have had to kill Osama bin Laden, get out of Iraq with the Iraqi's in control of themselves, and send gas prices back down to a buck fifty where they oughta be all before noon eastern time on Tuesday. Yea, they didn't do it.

What's really interesting to me is that Satan, I mean Karl Rove, didn't pick up on something that could have swayed the results and at least kept the Republicans in control of the Senate. Chris Matthews mentioned this on MSNBC late Tuesday night. He noted that there was an article buried in the newspaper only a few days before the election detailing how the terrorist plot involving exploding airplanes coming from London's Heathrow airport was more than it seemed. Apparently, the planes were meant to be blown up over major American cities, not the ocean. Why Rove didn't see that and exploit it like he always does (9/11!! 9/11!!, don't forget. 9/11!! 9/11!!) I haven't the foggiest. Maybe he's losing his touch.

Regardless I'm glad to see that there's a traditional sense of government again. Remember that whole checks and balances thing that our forefathers wrote? Yea, sometimes that's a good thing. Granted new speaker Nancy Pelosi and Dubya hate each other, there should be some decent progress being made now. Progress. Wow. Haven't heard that term used in conjunction with our government in a while huh? Hey, it's tough to get any worse than the last Congress. In an ideal situation we'd have McCain take the presidency in 2008 with Barack Obama as the VP. Probably won't happen but hey, a guy can dream about positive change and an optimal federal administration, can't he?

The very next day the hammer dropped. The Architect, as he's called, stepped down. No not Art Vandelay, Donald Rumsfeld. When the news came down at work you'd have thought a dozen people simultaneously found out they won the lottery. I've never seen anything like it. Rummy never had a clue what he was doing and it showed...ridiculously. The only people who thought he was doing a good job were Bush and Cheney. The rest of the country had a look on their face similar to that of a kid that just took a big bite out of tuna sandwich thinking it was a PB&J. You know that face. Confused, unpleasantly surprised and just overall disappointed. Yea, that's Rummy for ya. And now he's gone.

Speaking of finally gone. Fedex has arrived. His parcel? About $300,000 and a shopping cart full of sneakers and hats. Hit the bricks Federline. Britney finally dumped him after 25 months. Everyone knew she'd dump him eventually but as Tom Petty once said, "waiting is the hardest part." So now Britney is available again. Now don't groan so quickly. It's ok (I think). The kicker to all of this is that Britney is hot again. If you caught her appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman this past Monday you'll remember Britney made a surprise yet brief appearance on Dave's show. Either by exercise or surgery, Britney is looking fantastic again. After initially hearing the news I decided the over/under on her getting hot and getting all slutty on MTV again would be six months. Guess I overestimated a touch. God bless her.

This was a very interesting week. Lots of excitement and lots of reasons to keep yourself alive for another year. (It's ok. Put down the bottle of pills; you don't want to do it. It'll be ok, Britney is single and hot again. There's no Rumsfeld and we have checks and balances in our government again. And Sacha Baren Cohen is making everyone double over in laughter.) Finally, the world is starting to make sense again.

2006-11-02T21:46:00.000-08:00

A couple of days late, so sue me! Here's the deal - with Halloween comes ridiculousness and therefore lack of sleep for me. Sooooo, I was finally able to find time to write this month's edition with the proper attention albeit a very exhausted attention. Nevertheless I must deliver and deliver I shall. I would first like to point out that I will be attending the much anticipated film Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan this Friday and you'll receive my experience in paragraph form come Monday. For now you'll have to settle for a supersized version of the O/U. That's right, kids. You can say it's a Halloween present or me making up for my tardiness. Or you can just think I'm a really nice guy. Either way we've got four pieces per side this time around instead of the usual three. Better hit the crapper, or as the French call it, the crapiér, and clear some room because you got a lot to digest this time 'round. Well, I suppose I should heed my own advice - excuse me.

(Think disgusting thoughts. Think disgusting thoughts.)

(Wait for it...)

(Wait...)

Aaahhhh, there we go. Ok, let's begin.

Underrated

People With Laptops at Starbucks - Seriously, thank you. You would usually read the title there and assume they'd be in the Overrated portion but no. I approve of these assbags because they remind me why I shouldn't shop at Starbucks or buy a Mac for that matter. Now I don't completely want to hate on Starbucks or Macs; I've used both. But the kind of people that sit on their asses at Starbucks for hours on end sipping the same one Chai Latte while working on their novel (it's really good I swear!) are just awful. Not only do these people look like no-talent assclowns without real jobs but they're wasting money on coffee that isn't even that great. Anyone from the east coast knows that Dunkin' Donuts is easily the best coffee in the country. It's a shame there are no franchises on the west coast. So when I walk by one of the 934837 Starbucks in LA alone and see these wastes of space creating assgrooves in the lounge chairs with their iBooks on their laps I know that there are people lazier and more pathetic than me out there. Really makes a guy feel good, ya know?

Mike Tyson's New Challenge - If you didn't know, Mike Tyson said last month that he wants to do some exhibition fights throughout the country kind of like a tour. Ok, nothing to wild there. But he also said he'd like to fight women. Commence slow clap. Really, Mike? Well I couldn't be happier. Is there nothing more amusing than the thought of Tyson vs. Harding on pay-per-view? Really? Anything? Yea, exactly. We all knew Mike was crazy but this brings it to an all new level. The man was scary fierce in the ring and eventually bit a man's ear off during a bout. He's been convicted of rape and raises pigeons on a rooftop in Brooklyn. What next, Mike? Oh you want to fight women? Sounds like a dynamite idea to me, Mike. Just dynamite.

StopShuler.com - Just go to that website. If you don't know who Heath Shuler is, that's ok. He played football for the Washington Redskins in the mid to late nineties and pretty much blew ass. Now he wants to run for office. Now this isn't anything new - former professional athletes running for office. But the massive opposition is the new thing. I've never seen a more hilarious way to oppose a politician. Check out this video on Youtube to see one of the pseudo ads the campaign has made. You know, maybe I'm just a little tired here but haven't we seen ads not too different from this in the past from sleezy policitians most notably republicans this time around? Claiming someone shouldn't be elected by negative coincidences? It's not that outlandish. Nevertheless this shows how far some people are willing to go to show their depreciation of someone. Washington really doesn't want Shuler pretty much anywhere near the district. Not unlike most of the republicans. We'll see come next Wednesday.

Niggaspace.com - Yup. That's not a typo. Anyone who knows me knows I mean no disrespect by actually spelling the infamous N-word but seriously, who doesn't know what I'm typing when I use the asterisk? Anyway, some guy named Tyrone started this website and over 1,500 people have already signed up. The idea isn't a bad one necessarily but its controversial name is what's getting people talking. I like it. Tyrone explains the difference between the suffix of "a" versus "er" and I completely agree. Now, being a cracker myself I suppose it sounds strange for me to talk about both versions of the word like black people would even give a rat's ass about my opinion but nevertheless it's there. I empathize with discussion and the reasoning Tyrone gives. It makes sense looking at it from his perspective. Tyrone's idea that this site will "bring together" black people is a pretty respectable task. It's just kind of funny that he decided to choose niggaspace.com as his website name. The man's got some balls. I respect balls.

Overrated

Neuticles - Bob Barker may be retiring from The Price Is Right but his crusade against dogs and cats' balls will never die. Your pet wants his balls. You want your pet to have his balls. But you understand what Bob was saying so you give 'em the ol' chop chop. Now neuticles are available. You know what those are? They're fake plastic testicles to replace your pet''s cajones. Really? First you de-ball your pet and then you rip away (pun intended) his dignity by inserting fake balls in satchel. C'mon now, that's just cruel.

Stingrays - What the hell is going on?! We've got two stingray attacks in the last two months. First the crocodile hunter and now a random 81-year-old. This second attack was even stranger than the first. The stingray took it upon itself to flop itself onto the man's boat and thusly stabbed the elderly man in the chest. The only reason the old man didn't die is because the foot-long barb in his chest stayed put. Steve Irwin yanked his out...and he's the animal expert. Maybe he should be on the list here. Nah, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Why stingrays? Huh, why? You were once docil creatures of the sea. Now you're godless killing machines. Damn you stingrays! Damn you! Will the carnage ever cease!?

Deep Fried Coke - I really shouldn't have to say anything here. It is what it is. Does America need to be any fatter? The creators of this dish didn't think we had enough cholesterol problems or diabetes? What is wrong with this country? We go out of our way to create new ways to kill ourselves. I love the retort supporters of this food will give though. "It's our right as Americans to eat whatever we want" and "If we don't do what we want including clogging our arteries with crap like this, the terrorists win." It's people that come up with these retarded ideas that vote for jackasses in congress. And you wonder why I disagree with the fact that we all have an equal vote. Ridiculous.

Asurion Insurance - If you didn't know, this is the company that insures your cell phone if you've chosen to insure it. It's used by almost all mobile phone service companies including mine (I use Verizon). Check out this link and read their fine print. So it basically boils down to if you damage or lose your phone via military, biological, or nuclear attack it's your problem. Not only that, but if the government is toppled and the usurpers somehow damage your phone in the process, you are liable. What #%$#@&%!?!?!?! "Well Mr. Johnson, you were very brave to go into those towers. You saved dozens, hell, hundreds of lives. You're a real American Hero. We hope you recover quickly from your injuries. Oh by the way, once you get back on your feet you'll have to pay in full for a new cell phone. Yours was crushed beyond repair and your insurance didn't cover terrorist attacks by al Qaeda." Yea, exactly.

2006-10-26T00:09:00.000-07:00

The United States of America is fan-f**king-tastic. Ok, maybe not that great but surely the idea that America represents and the attitude it instills in one is fan-f**king-tastic. Don't believe me? Listen to this story about one young boy who had the courage, strength, and determination to get what he wanted no matter the obstacles in his way. This little boy is three-year-old Robert Moore from Antigo, Wisconsin.

You might be asking yourself, "Wait a minute Jason, since when did you give a rat's ass about little kids...from Wisconsin for that matter?" Always, my child, always. Sometimes adults insult the people they adore. Seriously. It stems from the same logic as "I hit her because I love her", "no means yes", and "you must believe the Bible is literal."

And even though I poke fun at people from bumblef**k, America sometimes and the innocent ignorance of children (they're so adorable!), there are plenty of examples to prove that there are, contrary to popular belief, midwesterners that aren't ignorant, incompetent boobs or that all children aren't annoying. It's true. I wouldn't lie to you.

Now back to the point. This young boy proved to me why America truly is great. They say children are innocent and unaware of the complexities and stressful burdens of our world today
and that may be true. But don't tell a little kid he's not stressed and burdened with a complex situation when he gets his most desired prize stuck in a toy vending machine at the mall.

Young Robert was with his three siblings and grandmother shopping when he saw it. A plush toy in one of those claw vending machines. The prize? You guessed it: a stuffed Sponge Bob Squarepants. Grandmother, being a grandmother, gave Robert a dollar for the machine. He tried to get the toy but lost it. He was sure he could get it. Grandmother said she'd give him another dollar to try again but when she turned around from rummaging through her purse she didn't see her grandson next to the machine. No, young Robert took matters into his own hands. He somehow cat-into-a-fish-bowl'ed himself through the little opening where only bigger kid's (and my) arms get stuck and managed to crawl into the machine among all the prizes.

Robert's grandmother was horrified and contacted the security who for some reason didn't have a key to open the machine. The fire department was called and after shimmying open the framework just enough, handed three-year-old Robert a screwdriver to unscrew the final screws holding the machine together. How F'ing unbelievable is that? A three-year-old saw what he wanted, missed it on the first try, and didn't think twice about climbing up inside the machine to get his toy. Robert you are a hero. Brilliant, creative, daring, agile.

Robert's story isn't just a story. It's a symbol. A symbol for all Americans and anyone else aspiring to achieve what they dream of. I suppose for Mexicans it would be to be Americans...go figure. Never let anything stop you. A nine by nine inch hole and Plexiglas didn't stop Robert. He wasn't going to let his grandmother spend another dollar in the hopes that hey might get his coveted Sponge Bob. Oh no, he kicked ass and took names. No one was stopping him. Well...except the fire department, mall security, and apparently his grandmother. Robert didn't leave with the Sponge Bob. He didn't leave with anything. His valiant effort and I-won't-be-denied attitude got him his Sponge Bob. A daring and miraculous effort was, in the end, not rewarded.

You know what I say? Robert, someday you'll get your Sponge Bob. It may not be an actual Sponge Bob plush but you'll get what you're after. Karma, my good friend, karma. You may not realize it now but one day you'll get something you really, really want but cannot attain and then bam! There it is. Because you fought for it; you earned it. And that my friends is what you all need to do. Take a lesson from young Robert here. He wanted that Sponge Bob and damnit, he should be watching his dog dryhump it right now. Instead he has to let his dog dryhump his leg. That's no way to live. Follow Robert's example and don't let anything get in your way. Now cue "You're the Best Around" and a still frame of young Robert jumping up in the air with his fist raised on the beach during a sunset. America, f**k yea.

(Pacific) Rim Jobs

2006-10-19T22:00:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite lines in any Simpsons episode is when Homer hires the mob to help Marge sell pretzels and in retaliation Marge's former investment buddies (Mrs. Krabapple, Agnes Skinner, Mrs. Lovejoy, and Mrs. Van Houton ie. Milhouse's mom) hire the Japanese mob to fight them. And once they meet on the Simpsons' front lawn and start to fight Marge leads Homer inside. But there is one member of the Japanese mob that is just standing there to which Homer moans, "Aw, but the little guy hasn't done anything yet...and you know it's gonna be cool!" After a few minutes of talking about how they're glad to have solved their personal differences and are back to being all lovey-dovey, "the little guy" crashes through the kitchen window, gets up, brushes broken glass off of himself, puts his hands together, bows and says, "fo-giv-uh-nuss pweazuh."

Kills me every time. I'll tell yea why. Not only does it play so well off of what Homer was moaning about but it's also a fabulous display of mockery of the Asian-American accent. And by mockery I mean flattery by imitation (which is the best form of flattery) that also happens to be hilarious because it doubles as mockery. Still with me?

It's this kind poking of fun at the Japanese's expense that tickles my funny bone. But using stereotypical Asian-American accents is not the only way to poke the fun. Because really, were you expecting anything less than multiple ways to make fun of someone from me? If yes, then you're either a newbie or an idiot. If you're the latter then you'll probably end up on the Over/Under.

No, this other way of poking the fun (I think I just coined that) is by visiting this lovely website: www.engrish.com. If you've never been there before it is simply this: poorly translated anything from Japanese to English. That's it. Street signs, menus, children's toys, clothing, labels, etc. Anything that gets translated to English. Thing point of this site though is that all the translations are completely absurd. They make no logical or grammatical sense in English. And when I say translations, I don't mean there's a sign in Japanese and the guy running the site made a caption translating it. No, the sign will have the Japanese and under it is the English for everyone to see.

I actually spent a little over an hour perusing the site the other night severely cutting into my gym time. I meant to hit the weights at nine and didn't end up going until 10. The following are some of my favorites that kept me from sculpting the guns.

Yummy Candy

Someone ask for a colonoscopy?

I'm worried about the bun...

Walter's a strange guy

Sony loves terror

That's just a quick sampling of what was keeping me from doing a few sets of Iriqoui Twists. I just don't understand how these stores/restaurants/companies couldn't hire a proper English translator to accurately translate their slogans. I mean, I've taken four and a half years of Spanish classes and lived in Miami and Los Angeles for a combined (nearly) five years and I'd still screw up proper translations of random Spanish slogans and titles. And the Japanese are way smarter than me so one would think they'd know when they've been beaten, swallow their pride, and hire an American that knows Japanese fluently to accurately translate these signs and labels. There was probably a World War II joke in there somewhere but really, haven't I insulted them enough in this piece?

Just for the record, I love sushi and I drive an Nissan Altima and one of my friends (who's also my neighbor) is half Japanese. So yea. That oughta tip the scales back toward me some, eh?

2006-10-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, who here hates Comcast? Probably a lot of you are raising your hands. If you've never seen this video, take a look. We all kosher now? (I love Youtube.) Now I'm sure that video only enhances your feelings about Comcast. If you've had Adelphia then you know this just as well since Comcast owned it...well, right before Comcast itself got bought out by Time Warner. I haven't had to deal with Time Warner yet save for upgrading to the HD package so besides that five minute call I can't really tell you how the new customer service team is different if at all.

Why do I mention this? Well, I feel it's only American of me to let you in on a little secret. Maybe it's not a secret to some but to many others, for whatever reason, this may be a breath of fresh air. I've found a way you can pay as little as 60% of your current bill. It's really quite simple.

Threaten them.

Yup, threaten Comcast. Mmmmaybe I should specify. I know you'd like to threaten asphyxiation by way of your member into their gullet but that might not be legal. What I mean by "threaten" is to simply say this, "I would like to cancel my service because I cannot afford to pay it anymore."

Boom. Done.

My roommate and I decided this had to be done. I mean, our faberge egg dependency won't pay for itself. Don't tell anyone I told you that. I may have to kill you. But anyway, I told Brody he had to call up Comcast and let them know we weren't going to get taken by the short 'n curlies anymore. Brody called up and told the bastards we were going to switch to DirecTV because we couldn't afford the service anymore. We are getting regular cable plus HBO and Showtime plus the HD package plus broadband internet. This comes to about $130 a month. That's outrageous. The customer service rep asked Brody to hold on for a second while he "tried to see what he could do." About five minutes later he came back and said that after taxes he could bring our bill down to...get this...$87 and change effective immediately.

We should just saved over $50 a month because Brody threatened to end our service. Comcast is so scared of customers switching to dish networks that they will automatically lower your bill from the arbitrarily high cost to nearly half! I haven't been this thrilled since I was 10 and figured out what a 69 really was well after the fact that I had accused a girl of doing it religiously. Oh to be 10 again. That poor, poor girl. Maybe I should write her a note.

So stick it to the man. They overcharge everyone with their premier packages and what not and all we're left to do is say, "There are no other cable providers and I don't want to go to dish so I guess I'm screwed." Nope, not anymore, Jack. (Please insert whatever your actual name is there.) Call up Comcast and threaten to cancel your service and they'll "see what they can do." If they don't offer to charge you substantially less, tell them they're full of shit and that CPunch will come to their offices and defecate all over their keyboards (I hear they don't like that). If enough of you do this they'll finally learn not to sodomize us with "installation fees." We'll install our boot up their ass and take back our hard earned cash. Power to the people. See Ma, I can use my powers for good.

2006-10-01T21:17:00.000-07:00

Underrated

Bagged Spinach - You might be saying to yourself, "what, how is this a good thing?" And I'll tell you (otherwise this part of the column would be done). The outbreak of e-coli from this bagged spinach is a good thing because we in this country were taking the until recent suppression of e-coli for granted. Sure, you might say that we had just been very good about keeping it out of the hands of our population and thusly keeping them safer, but I choose to think that you can only truly become immune to something and therefore eradicate it when you've overexposed yourself to it and therefore allow your body to ignore it. It's the Princess Bride effect. Wesley made himself immune to Iocaine powder by slowly ingesting it over time building up an immunity to it. That's the way to go. This bagged spinach fiasco was just nature reminding us that if we can't look to fictional movie characters to teach us how to live healthy lives then who can we look to?

New Orleans Saints fans - Not to get all sweet on you but you gotta hand it to the New Orleans Saints fans for stepping up this year. This people have nothing and somehow the Saints managed to sell out the entire season via season ticket holders. People who may not even have clothes or a house are ponying up to see the city's professional football team. And the Saints are responding. They're 3-1 after a barely losing at Carolina on Sunday. The team formerly known as the 'Aints are playing well and it's not a fluke. Kudos to the people of the crescent city for stepping up for your team when your own federal government wouldn't step up for you when Katrina hit last year.

Nip/Tuck - One of the craziest shows on television. I'm glued to my tv every Tuesday from 10 to 11pm. Deformed babies creating rifts between Dr. McNamara and his wife. Their son checking out scientology because of (my favorite) Kimber and it seems they might have an affair developing in the process. Christian is getting lunchtime lipo and banging the boss's wife. And just last week the lesbian anesthesiologist got picked up by a 10 and got drugged and had her kidney harvested! Basically if you're not watching this show you're a box. What else are you watching, Grey's Anatomy (I'm aware it's on Thursday, just making a point)? Please, all these docu-dramas about crime scenes and hospitals and court rooms are just stupid and cookie cutter like the massive influx of sitcoms in the mid-90's that tried to copy the success of Seinfeld and Frasier. Nip/Tuck is original and actually compelling and exciting compared to CSI/Law & Order/Cold Case/ER/Grey's Anatomy/Boston Legal and every other boring drama that shouldn't be allowed to be on television. Oh, and ladies, there's a great chance to see man-ass almost every single week. You've gotta like that.

Overrated

Scissor Sisters - Who are these clowns? For some reason Comedy Central played a commercial for their new album about a half dozen times during the Daily Show/Colbert Report hour last week. The first time I saw it I thought it was some sort of Best of the 70's crapfest cd infomercial then realized it was a new music group. I had heard of the group before but never heard their music. Now I miss the days I hadn't. This is just awful. Disco sucked in the 70's so why do you think it'd be good now? Will anyone buy this album? Probably the same weirdos that got the Fallout Boy and Panic! At the Disco albums. Yea, talk to me in a year when neither group is around. How are crappy groups like the Sisters allowed to grace the airwaves? Who says, "Ya know what, this sound is outdated and the trend didn't work when the style was first made popular anyway. But there's a pretty looking girl and they all dress like 13th century Brits so it has to sell!" Idiots.

Larry Coker - Green Day was right when they sang "nice guys finish last." The Miami Hurricanes are 2-2 after barely beating Houston Saturday 14-13. You're saying to yourself, "Houston has a college?" Exactly. The Cougars came very close to beating a Hurricanes team that lost four of its last six games including a 40-3 drubbing in the Peach Bowl last year to LSU, opening day at the Orange Bowl to Florida State, and the debacle in Louisville to the Cardinals. Coach, I like you as a person, but you're a bad coach. The Canes are a top echelon team and you're bringing them down because it seems you have no idea what you're doing. There is so much talent on that team (as always) but none of these young kids have any clue what to do because you haven't the foggiest idea of how to properly teach them. Sorry Larry but it's time to go. I can't wait til the end of the season - I've had enough. The students, alumni and fans deserve better.

Fox News - Bill O'Reilly gets in a fight on the Late Show (go Dave!), Bill Clinton rips Chris Wallace a new one, and now the channel is trying to say that Clinton "went crazy" for no reason. Who really watches this news channel? Seriously. The only way Fox News could be any more biased is if they made their logo a giant elephant. But wait, that would just physically admit that they're radically biased to the right as opposed to acting biased under a "fair and balanced" veil. Yea I know, I love sarcasm. It's so obvious how ridiculous Fox News is that really the only credible voice the Democratic party has left, Bill Clinton, has to call the channel out on a national tv interview. Bill Clinton the voice of credibility?? And he did a good job of ripping you apart? Wow, Fox, wow. I've never really been a Willy fan but his post-office attitude and commitments to getting this country back on track (ie. Katrina relief effort and Global Initiative) are more than commendable. Fox News has done nothing to help this country move in the right direction and does stupid things like imply their own opinions in their segment titles like "Is George Bush the greatest president ever?" and "Are we making too much of these torture camps?" Basically they take their view on a topic and add a question mark at the end. Now it's a question, not their opinion. Add a question mark and everything's ok. I've got your next topic titlebar Fox, "Is Fox News a detriment to our society and only degrades our already low global reputation?" That's not my opinion; I'm just asking. Douchebags.

2006-09-19T23:48:00.000-07:00

It's one thing for Debra Lafave to play cutesy with a 14 year-old boy. And by cutesy I, of course, mean letting his pubescent body slam her into a microfiche machine until they've matriculated inside one another or until the librarian tells them to "hush" - whichever comes first. It's another to use an X-rated font in a spelling packet for elementary school students for your own sick twisted game of Hide The Little Metal Thing That Holds The Chalk So You Don't Get Chalkdust On Your Hands.

Apparently teachers in a Monroe, NY elementary school did this. A spelling packet with the naughty font was given to parents. (Guys, you probably didn't want to give the parents your Pamphlet of Trickery if you really wanted to hump those kids. Food for thought.) It was then determined that male and female stick figures positioned in provocative poses were used to shape the letters in the alphabet.

I've got to tip my hat to these teachers. They were really went the extra mile. I'm giving them a gold star for the day because that is an impressively creative way to dupe students into giving you oral sex in exchange for an "O". (Remember, most elementary schools give out O's, S's, and U's for Outstanding, Satisfactory, and Unsatisfactory instead of A-F.) Kudos for coming up with such a brilliant plan for your designs of statutory rape. However, I must look down in scorn at you for being so careless as to let the parents of your would-be victims, I mean lovers, see your ingenious plan.

For shame Pine Tree Elementary teacher. Even though the reports say you designed these packets with an X-rated font unintentionally, I choose to believe you're more sick and sinister than that. Don't hang your head in shame for being sick and sinister. Hang it because you didn't admit the truth of being sick and sinister. If we can't be honest in our lives then what can we be? Just admit to coming up with a brilliant plan to fornicate young pupils with the aid of a yardstick and a protractor and we'll forget you idiotically let the parents see the fulcrum of your plan.

Just be ready to be arrested. With honesty comes consequences. And yours will be in the form of a 6'5" 280 pound man named Leslie. Tough break, kiddo.

2006-09-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

Most people in this world will do almost anything to get what they want...within reason of course. We will exhaust all efforts to attain what we aspire to have or be. Some aspirations are big and some are little but determined people usually get what they want. If this sounds like it has negative overtones to it it's because so many times the people that want something really bad often yearn for something in the "wrong" or "illegal" end of the spectrum. It's a shame that striving for something you want has to have a negative tinge to it. There are plenty of examples to the contrary like Tonya Harding, the Northern Colorado backup punter, or Hitler. Wait...no, those were supporting arguments. I really shouldn't have left early the first day of Social Logic class.

No, there are plenty of examples of people wanting things badly enough that they do whatever it takes to succeed and do so legally for positive gain. Take Barry Bonds for instance. Shit. Um, George W. Bush's entire administration? No. Oh, I know; Enron executives. Ok, well I'm sure there's actual positive stories out there about people doing everything they can to achieve their goals. Hell, millions of Mexicans win half the battle every year.

Despite me not being able to think of any positive examples, I do have to write about something. So why not another negative example? But one that's slightly funnier. It's ok if you laugh at this; you won't go to hell. You have my word. I've already talked to God and he realizes you're just appeasing me.

Remember when you played T-ball? Pretty much everyone played T-ball when they were young. It's what introduces you to sports. T-ball and beginners soccer seem to be the two main sports that get kids into athletics. Everyone plays them...even the very fat and/or mentally challenged. Segue to this story...

29 year-old T-ball coach, Mark R. Downs Jr., was convicted last week of what most people would call an "act of retardation." Well, they would if the crime he committed didn't involve a retard. Pardon me, mentally challenged young boy. Damn PC police will getcha every time.

Downs offered one of his players (remember, these kids are like seven) $25 to bean one of his teammates who just happened to be autistic. I guess Downs really, really wanted to win. Lord knows the autistic kid is gonna strike out every time. That's just an automatic out and you're not making the T-ball championship playing with that handicap (pun intended). Hell, autistic kids can barely walk and talk let alone play sports (just ask former Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly) so it was a miracle, and probably a dream, for this kid to be playing T-ball.

The bribed player thusly pegged the autistic boy in the groin and then whipped a 4-seam fastball right into the boy's ear. (Don't laugh, that's not the funny part...you dick.)

Downs was convicted of asking his player to injure the autistic boy but was not convicted of the more serious crimes of criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault and reckless endangerment.

After the autistic boy's father testified Downs admitted to the deed after the game, Downs called the autistic boy's father a liar to which the father retorted, "No, you're a liar!" It's good to see we can all be mature about this.

Downs could face up to five years in prison for indirect assault but will probably end up getting a year of probation since he has no criminal record.

So what's the moral of this story? I'm not really sure. I thought it'd be funny to tell a story about a T-ball coach being so ridiculously stupid, immature, negligent, and downright despicable that he'd bribe a seven year-old to bean an autistic teammate with a baseball. It's not like the kid was even on the other team. He was on the same team! If you're going to cheat to win you might as well take out the opposing team's best player. And I wonder what made Mr. Downs think of the number $25? He could have easily offered the kid five dollars. Kids that young don't understand the value of money. Five bucks is a big deal to them. Not only is Downs an awful human being, he's also tragically bad at money management. Know your market, Downs. Gawd!

2006-09-10T22:48:00.000-07:00

Five years ago today America felt the wrath of terror. It was, and still isn't, a laughing matter (I'm not counting Bush incompetence jokes...that's far too broad a subject). As we find ways to remember the fallen we must also find ways to stare fear in the face overcome it. What's my favorite way of doing that? By laughing at the idiocy of others, of course!

Now the world may not be that much safer today than it was five years ago (contrary to what the the executive branch may want you to think) but not all safety threats revolve around tampered water or airline hijackings. Sometimes the threats are disguised within the pleasures of sexual encounters...or as I like to call them "los tiempos muy muy felices."

Here's some safety breaches I've uncovered that should help keep everyone worldwide on their toes when they're primed to get horizontal...unless you're in the shower in which case you'd have to have a very large shower to lie down. I'm just saying.

Greenpeace, best known as the organization of professional hippies, called on the European Union to ban certain chemicals used in adult sex toys. Apparently these "phthalates" soften the plastic (Where's the "hard" joke, huh? Bah) despite possibly "disrupting the human hormonal system, diminishes fertility and adversely affects the kidneys and liver."

Listen, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure you need your kidneys and liver. I hear both are very valuable when consuming alcohol and I just can't see myself living in a world without booze. I mean, isn't that how most of these sexual encounters are happening the first place? It's a vicious cycle and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and let Europe degrade the wellbeing of humanity because they can't use safer non-toxic alternatives to soften (snicker) the plastic in their dildos.

But not only is Europe making sex dangerous but now when look for professional sexual assistance you can no longer look to Craigslist. Craigslist is a godsend; it really is. You can buy and sell pretty much anything on there...including ass. Well, clever whores found ways to sell their services on Craigslist. Apparently 12 in Pennsylvania weren't clever enough though as they were arrested via sting operations. Craigslist insists they do everything they can to prohibit inappropriate and illegal solicitations on their site but my gut tells me they're in on the whole thing.

This Craig character and his list are the biggest pimp of them all and I'm sure they get a cut every time some flusie with no self esteem and student loans waxes nostalgic on some stranger's johnson. You might think I look down upon that. I do not. You know why? Because if Craig goes down then where am I supposed to find a barely used futon for $50 and Dodgers tickets, third row mezzanine for $30 all on the same site?! If you have a better suggestion I'd like to hear it. Whore on Craigslist, you have my full support.

Finally, we've all either engaged in, dreamt of, or watched a friend on a dare make whoopy while in a moving vehicle. I mean, come on. Who here hasn't seen The Chase? You're telling me fleeing the country in a red BMW 3 series with Kristy Swanson perched on your lap blinding you from everything on the road at 90mph doesn't arouse you? Liars. The man kidnapped her with a Butterfingers for crying out loud and then convinced her to hop on pop!

The point is, road humpage is grand idea. Unless you live in Slovakia, apparently. A man failed to observe a "give way" sign and crashed his car into a bus last week. That's not the funny part, you sicko. When rescuers came they found the man half naked with a vacuum pump on his penis. "It's very likely he had auto-sex while driving," the police said. Really? Come up with that all by yourself, officer?

People, if you're going to engage in "auto-sex" then you may want to make sure you don't crash into anything. Then you get made fun of by some jackoff in Los Angeles with a keyboard. Very unfortunate. "Auto-sex" is a very exhilarating experience, or so Charlie Sheen made it out to be, but please - be safe about it.

The thing that puzzles me the most though is what did he use to power the vacuum? Did he go to the Slovakian equivalent of Radio Shack and get one of those AC/DC adapters and lug his Hoover into the passenger seat or did he use one of those dustbusters with some sort of hose attachment. Because, let's be serious here, dustbusters don't have a lot of suction to them so I hardly see how he could have possibly pleasured himself.

I've overthought this haven't I?

2006-09-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

I know I promised this article last Friday but I ended up getting slammed with other business and then the long weekend happened so here we are. Now, let's see if I can remember anything that happened in August. Also, don't expect any "let's throw another Steve Irwin on the (sting ray) barb(ie)" jokes. Although, that was a good one. I'm not a monster.

Underrated

Snakes On A Plane - If you haven't read this yet then seriously, get a clue. The movie has only made $31.6 million, which I guess is a failure. But that's misleading considering so many reviews of it are positive. Take, for example, the compiled reviews on rottentomatoes.com. The movie is given a 69% freshness rating (based on a collection of many film critics' reviews) which is a very good percentage. Fact of the matter is, well...just read the link above.

Foo Fighters - I took in a show on the last day of the month at the historical Pantages Theater here in LA and found myself thoroughly entertained. Now this show was an acoustic show so going in I figured I'd be treated to the four band members playing some of their softer songs and that would be that. Basically, I didn't have my hopes up to high that this would be an experience worthy of a hardon. I was in fact, wrong...as hard as that may seem. The Foos brought along four other musicians including famed friend of Dave Grohl's (since the Nirvana days), Pat Smear. Not only was the show two and a half hours long but the band rocked out as hard as if it was a regular rock show. They brought everything and opened up new angles to interpret some of their old songs you wouldn't normally think would sound good acoustically. Thanks in part to the keyboardist/accordion player, violinist/mandolin player, and my new buddy Drew Hester who played percussion including but not limited to castanets, bongos, xylophone, triangle, and of course, the cowbell. Yea, there was a triangle solo. Yes, there was a cowbell solo. This show was the third of three shows at the Pantages, all of which were being filmed for a dvd which will be out by Christmas according to Taylor Hawkins the drummer. (If you're wondering how I talked to these two guys, Drew and Taylor, it's because they were on the Tonight Show the next day. Lucky me.)

Carrot Top - He really just makes everyone else look better. And honestly, that's just a great quality. He's a super nice guy (same reasons I know this as Drew and Taylor) but well...put it this way, he's the main attraction at the Luxor in Las Vegas. The Luxor, ladies and gentlemen. I could take a crap on stage and throw it into a fan blowing directly in front of me and be the main attraction at the Luxor. Sorry Scott Thompson, but you're better off taking some more 'roids and railing your too-hot-for-you girlfriend whom I may or may not be pleasuring myself to....right....now.

Overrated

Health Insurance/Doctors - So I had strep throat last month for about a week. I didn't get a chance to go to a doctor for four days so I just sort of sucked down some Airborne and NyQuil and hoped it'd go away. This was futile and my throat only got worse. This isn't problem. People get sick all the time. My beef is that when I finally go to the doctor they say my insurance has a $250 deductible that I haven't met yet so the usual $10 copay is not applicable. But the regular $150 charge is! At this point after four days, I knew I had strep. I knew I needed Z-pak zithromax as I've taken it before for bronchitis and other illnesses. However, the only way to get that prescription is to see the doctor. So after literally 30 seconds of looking at me the doctor wrote and Rx for me for Z-pak. The Z-pak cost me $10. So a prescription that is so cheap because it's so common (which probably should be an OTC by now) costs me $150 and a 30 second visit to the doctor? What a crock. Screw you doctors and screw you Anthem Blue Cross.

Fruits & Vegetables - Health experts apparently don't know dick when it comes to anything. You've got what I just wrote about and you've got this. My neighbor Jessica had a kidney stone at the very beginning of the month. It was hell from what she told me and believe you me, her describing the agony was enough for me. I feel like I've had it myself. Point is, when she finally passed the stone and the doctors went over her status after the fact, they told her she probably got the stone because she was consuming too many antioxidants - too many fruits and vegetables. Too many!? You can have too many fruits and vegetables? Now I'm glad the only fruits I've had in the past month are Jolly Ranchers and Cherry Garcia ice cream. So if you're drinking that pomegranate crap, watch out. You're gonna be howling from the porcelain pretty soon.

WebMD - You know what, let's just make it a hat trick, shall we? I think I added this to the Overrated column in like February or March when I thought I had an ulcer. But I'm just gonna go ahead and add it again. When I had this episode with strep I went to WebMD (begrudgingly) to make sure I had it before I went to the doctor. Sure enough WebMD was correct. However, it said that if left untreated and you had other sinus problems (which I do) then you could potentially get rheumatic fever which severely affects your joints similar to arthritis and could develop a heart disease. Well, that's just f**kin' great! Once again WebMD scares the piss out of me. On top of that, when I went back to the WebMD page just now to make sure I spelled "rheumatic" right (because you gotta keep the facts straight) I noticed I had skipped a sentence in the previous paragraph which read, "Strep throat usually goes away in 3 to 7 days with or without antibiotic treatment." Great, so basically I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. I may not have had to go to the doctor at all and just been able to ride it out. Thanks a lot, WebMD. Another middle finger salute to the Fox News of medical websites.

2006-08-27T20:03:00.000-07:00

There are many turning points in the history of pop culture but sometimes one just sticks out like a sore thumb. Sometimes for good reason and sometimes not so. Last Tuesday, an album was released by Paris Hilton. Yes, a music album. Anyone with half a brain cell knew what to expect - terrifically terrible music overproduced in an attempt to shove the Hilton heiress further down our gullets...for really no discernible reason. Any fan of Paris, and there are plenty, was sure to pick up the album, if for no other reason than to masturbate to the pictures in the CD jacket and/or the sound of her digitally auto-tuned voice.

Now I'm not really a Paris hater nor am I a fan. I'm really indifferent to the girl. I've personally seen her out in Los Angeles and thought nothing of it (while a certain friend probably filled his pants). I do, however, know how ridiculously shallow and transparent her entire being is regardless of whether she realizes it or not. The odds of her attempts at music and film to be an elaborate (ok, maybe not elaborate) plan to exploit her own realized skill at nothing but looking good and being dumb are fairly decent. It's hard to tell if she's truly trying to be a film and music star or if she actually realizes her "dumb, hot, spoiled rich girl" persona is enough to sell a box of razorblades to a hemophiliac. Nobody can be too sure. Either way the album is selling.

The strangest thing to me, though, is that many music sites including the (usually) highly regarded allmusic.com are giving her album high marks. Like, really high marks. We're talking 4.5 out of 5 stars marks. That puts it on par with most records from the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Madonna, Elton John, etc. Um, exsqueeze me? Baking powder?

I, disregarding all rational thought and doctors' advice, have decided to force myself to listen to this album in full. I cannot believe that respected music pundits around the country are actually praising a musical project helmed by Paris Hilton. I will now furrow my brow, put on my headphones and dig into what may be the death of me. I have already placed an order for hearing aids as I'm sure my hearing will surely fail me after injecting my eardrums with such musical feces.

The following is a song by song review of Paris Hilton's album Paris. It is based off the very first (and probably last) listen to see if these critics are right and I'm just a prejudging asshole...or the only sane person with a musical ear. God save me.

Turn It Up - Repetitive, monotonous, annoying. Those three words come to mind after listening to this song. Starting off the record breath-speaking "that's hot" is always classy as well as clever lyrics like "turn it up, turn it up, turn it up, turn it up yea". The only redeeming quality is that Scott Storch produced it (whom she namedrops all over the song) so the beat is pretty cool for a club song. The problem is it doesn't go anywhere. Even Justin Timberlake's "Sexyback" is more ambitious and arranged than this...and that's saying something. 2.5/5

Fighting Over Me - Storch returns (he does half the album) with a weak beat for him. He's better than this. It sounds like a Jay-Z reject from 1995. Paris repeats the same four lines (presumably the chorus) for the entire song which includes turning the word "fight" into a two syllable word - "fi-ight". Jadakiss breaks up the repetition by dropping a couple verses on us but unfortunately he makes no sense and seems to deviate from the whole theme of the song, that being that boys fight over Paris constantly. 0/5

Stars Are Blind - It's scary to think this is far and away the best song of the album so far. The first single with the obscenely unoriginal (unoriginal but smart marketing wise) video acts like a real song compared to the first two tracks. There are actually some decent lyrics in this song despite the fact Paris probably had little to do with them. "Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride / But when I walk their talk is suicide." Those aren't that bad especially compared to the other rubbish on the disc. The faux reggae beat is catchy but very unwieldy, but it's at least a welcome break from the lame club beats preceding it. 3.5/5

I Want You - A straight forward club beat with a fake siren in the background. Dear...god. The vocal melody in the verse is terrible and predictable. The chorus vocal melody is half decent but that damn siren just won't leave me alone. The interlude is the best part of the song as far as the groove and non-doucheyness goes. But then bam, the damn siren comes back and so does the ridiculously cliched chorus lyrics, "I want you / and I think you should know / I want you / and I wont let you go." "Stars Are Blind" sounds really good right about now. 1/5

Jealousy - Oh dear god there are violins with phasers in the intro of this song! And then we rip into the "Nicole Richie is a jealous bitch" tirade but playing it off like she really does care (and feel sorry) about Nicole. The chorus is the crap on the cutting room floor of an Avril Lavigne session. Love those lyrics, "Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy / Is such an evil thing / To watch someone have / Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy / Nobody wins when your full of envy." I didn't make those up. On top of that gouda, cheddar, brie, and any other kind of cheese you can name, Paris has a spoken word interlude where she wishes they could become friends again someday. Man, girls are conniving, shady bitches. 1.5/5

Heartbeat - Well, this is easily the most boring song on the album. This song, I think, is about having sex or cuddling or both. It's a nice attempt at being poetic but it still comes out cheesy. Not as cheesy as the lame 1980's ripoff of a beat/melody. Someone tell Pretty In Pink their soundtrack was stolen. When Paris comes back with yet another spoken word interlude with, "My heart beats like a drum / when I hear you come" she nearly brings down the house on the unintentional comedy scale. That hilarity is the only redeeming factor of an otherwise terrible song. 2/5

Nothing In This World - Avril Lavigne plus Gwen Stefani equals this song as illustrated by the constant "da da da" lyric. I guarantee you this is the new theme song for Laguna Beach Season 3 within weeks. Remember when Mandy Moore was 15 churning out bubblegum pop? Yea, this is what she left off that album. This song probably has the best vocal melody lines on the album, however, so kudos to Paris for that much. Well, I suppose she should thank Ashlee Simpson since it's a direct theft. 2.5/5

Screwed - Ok, this is the same exact beat as "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson with nearly the same vocal melody. Since she's turned "Since U Been Gone" into a club song, the song actually keeps up good energy. Another decent vocal melody, maybe my favorite on the album, however the lyrics are still trite and immature. Admitting "you're screwed" over and over doesn't help your cause either. This song had potential to be an interesting fun tune but winds up being yanked back down thanks to stupid lyrics about a girl not getting a guy because he's into another girl (who's apparently from hell, according to Paris). I'm sure Paris has that problem all the time so you can see how true to form these lyrics are. 2.5/5

Not Leaving Without You - Gwen Stefani is probably rolling over in her grave. Wait, she's not dead? Ok, well this is complete ripoff of "What You Waiting For" with the lyrical pattern of Madonna. But you know what? This song is actually fun and has enough originality in it to make it the least annoying song on the album. And even though the chorus lyrics, "We can dance / we can dance / we can dance / we can dance tonight" are retarded, they actually seem to work. I could actually see myself dancing to this song in a club. Not surprisingly, Paris's voice works best on this song as well. She really channels Madonna on this tune and it's probably the best thing she could have done. The theme of the song is actually something that Paris evokes as well, seeing a guy and going for him and not taking "no" for an answer. This is probably the most honest song, lyrically, on the album and it's one that will probably bring out the inner sex-hound in the average girl on the dance floor - always a plus. 4/5

Turn You On - The most vain song on this album with another slow, groovy dance beat. The entire song is Paris admitting that anything she does in a club will turn on every guy in the room and not one of them is going to hook up with her (advising them to "take a cold shower when you get home"). Well, I disagree. I think half the guys in the club are turned on by the fact that they have a chance to dance with her and the other half are "so over her", as the kids say, and laugh at the guys that are drooling over her. I can't see this song being very dancable either. More crappy lyrics but this time she's really full of herself. Not interesting, Paris. 1.5/5

Do You Think I'm Sexy - Ok, Rod Stewart must be rolling over in his grave. Wait, he's not dead yet either? Jesus. This is the worst remake of a Rod Stewart song ever. To be fair, I've never heard another remake of a Rod Stewart song but this hurts my ears. Even the original is creepy coming from Rod but at least he could excuse himself with the androgynousness of the 70's and the fact that it's the original. But this, wow. You don't need to listen to any other cover of a Stewart song ever to know this is painful. Her voice just doesn't fit this 70's disco flavor although she sounds strangely like Rod in the first part of the chorus lines. This is just creepy and shouldn't be listened to by anyone...ever. 1/5

So there you go. As you can see, it's utter crap - 22 of 55 total points for a score of 40%. There's one and a half listenable songs. Now that's saying something because I had heard the single "Stars Are Blind" before and thought that song was awful. And now that I've listened to the whole album that song feels like the second strongest on the disc. Wow. Really puts the rest of the album in perspective. Most of the reviews that say this album is light and fun pop are giving it way too much credit. Yea, it's light. But that doesn't make it fun. If I can't stomach the lame beat or cheesy lyrics, how am I going to have any fun? 90% of this album should be torched and never listened to again or we should blast it from the armored vehicles in Iraq looking to flush out insurgents. Screw death metal, this stuff will melt your face off. She should just release "Not Leaving Without You" and call it a day. Go back to making sex tapes and getting reamed by pretty-boy Eurotrash. Mama always said "do what you do best". So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go rub one out to the topless Tara Reid scene in Bodyshots. Cheers!

Final Album score: 2/5

Snakes On a Motherf**kin' Plane!

2006-08-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

Today is National Snakes On a Plane Day. It's as simple as: "go see the movie, motherf**ker!"

I had a chance to see the highly anticipated B-movie last night and I've gotta say, I haven't been that entertained in the movie theater in a long time. Maybe since Harold and Kumar. The movie exceeded every expectation I had for it...and I had some lofty expectations.

Let's see what we have here. A bunch of poisonous snakes...on a plane...triggered by pheromone soaked leis...to go apeshit at 35,000 ft...and only Samuel L. Jackson can save them? Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok, stop. If you've read that sentence and still aren't dying to see this movie then I ought to punch you in the jugular right now. Seriously.

Yea, this is a movie review column and I just reviewed the whole movie. That one sentence was it. Sure, I could go into details about how the Asian villain was hilariously bad at acting and had some of the best one-liners in the movie not to mention a hilarious obligatory (and unneccesary) martial arts scene or how a viper latches onto a girl's nipple as she's trying to join the mile high club in the bathroom within 10 minutes of being on the plane. But why? I can't spoil everything! Oh, and how about the co-pilot that ends up being the only pilot after 15 minutes of flying? You might recognize him. He dishes out some great one-liners on par with his trademark, "whammy!"

My roommate and cousin agreed this movie was made even better by the fact that the packed house theater was really into it. Everyone was screaming, yelling, laughing hysterically and overall making the movie almost interactive. Normally I can't stand it when people start hootin' and hollerin' in movies. I'm trying to listen to the dialogue, Ebert. But this movie is a different breed. Everyone knew what to expect and everyone's expectations were met and then some.

To be fair, I have two minor complaints. One is that the super hot flight attendant that digs on the FBI witness (hence why Sam Jackson's on the plane...and thusly the snakes) doesn't ever get naked. You totally think she would in this kind of movie. Doesn't happen. We get a nice chestal shot of a buxom babe in the mile high scene before she's pumped full of venom. But I really would have liked one more pair of yumyums for my $8.50 (yea, I bought a senior citizen ticket).

My second minor complaint would have to be that there was no megastar cameo. You'd think with a no-name cast supporting Jackson that they'd throw in someone really famous like James Woods or Tim Robbins to be a cop or a snake farmer or something. That would have made the movie complete for me.

Now I know a lot of people that just don't see the genius in this flick. Well, I'm gonna lay it out there for you and try to make you understand why so many people were foaming at the mouth for this. Samuel L. Jackson is always good. That's number one. But the idea of snakes infiltrating a plane and wreaking havoc seems super unrealistic to most people. Yea, well that's the idea. The buzz around this movie was that it was going to be a campy, so-good-it's-bad movie. And to an extent it was. But it wasn't so bad that it was really, truly bad. There was some bad acting, of course, and the plot was pretty predictable and simple. The genius of the movie was making it just so, that it would be suspenseful and intentionally unintentionally funny at the same time. This is also why Jackson is the coolest actor in Hollywood. He signed onto the movie after only hearing the title.

By the way, that whole "snakes on a plane is so unrealistic" thing? Yea, maybe not so much. I was watching CNBC today and saw one of their anchors interviewing an animal smuggler expert (they have those!?) on how legitimate it would be for terrorists to smuggle snakes or other dangerous animals onto a plane as a terrorist attack. She was serious. Apparently illegal animal smuggling into the United States is a $10 billion a year industry. Who'da thunk it? I'll leave you with the last thing the CNBC anchor said before they went to commercial break. This simultaneously confirms how stupid our news media is and how awesomely hilarious this movie is.

"Snakes on a Plane isn't just a movie anymore...it's reality!"

I think she forgot the "motherf**kin'!"